Natalie Reilly - What Your Mother Shouldve Told You and Nobody Else Will

What your
mother
shouldve
told you

What your
mother
shouldve
told you

and nobody else will

natalie reilly

First published in 2012

Copyright Natalie Reilly 2012

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. The Australian Copyright Act 1968 (the Act) allows a maximum of one chapter or 10 per cent of this book, whichever is the greater, to be photocopied by any educational institution for its educational purposes provided that the educational institution (or body that administers it) has given a remuneration notice to Copyright Agency Limited (CAL) under the Act.

Fairfax Books, an imprint of
Allen & Unwin
Sydney, Melbourne, Auckland, London

83 Alexander Street
Crows Nest NSW 2065
Australia

Cataloguing-in-Publication details are available
from the National Library of Australia
www.trove.nla.gov.au

ISBN 978 1 74237 942 5

Printed in Australia by McPhersons Printing Group

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Contents

A movie critic once wrote the reason he chose his occupation was not because he was an expert on movies but because he had a passion for them not shared by many other people.

Its the same for me with giving advice. It may not always have been solicited, but my passion for giving it has never waned. I consider it a Reilly family gift handed down from generation to generation.

My grandfather once approached a successful AFL player to tell him he would be better off playing Rugby League. My father, too, was famous for doling out the occasional hard truth for which his justification was always, If I dont tell you, nobody else will.

But if that was Dads motto, my mums was: Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes. And luckily some of Mums compassion moderated the more, some might say, tough love tendencies of my compulsive advising.

By my 20s, I found myself the Agony Aunt not just for my friends, but for my sisters friends, and their friends - and so on. My boss called me Miss Manners with only a hint of irony. And for that, I sent her a thank you note.

I knew things had reached a whole new level when a person Id just met asked for career advice. Well, Sally I began. Its Sophie, she said, but go on.

And so, when the opportunity arose to write a book about all the things people should know these days, I jumped at it. My aim is to give you up-to-date information on everything from modern manners to lessons on life.

These opinions are not off the top of my head, but have been painstakingly researched, for which Id like to thank Google and the myriad lessons in my own life, which Ive had to learn the hard way.

Throughout this book you may notice a few recurring themes, like the fact that when people behave badly, its usually because theyre scared; and that being the bigger bloke is often its own reward. These are guidelines I try to live by (albeit imperfectly), and you should find theyll see you through almost every situation.

Other than that, my advice is to cherry-pick what works for you. Some of what I have to say might be a little hard to swallow, but advice without truth is merely trite. And while truthful advice runs the riskof offending, its a risk, dear reader, Im willing totake. Because, as my father said, if I dont tell you ...

Were always encouraged to do what makes us happy, but the catch is that what we think will make us happy and what actually makes us happy are often wildly contradictory. Besides which, a little bit of pessimism is actually good for you its unrealistic to expect to be happy all the time.

If youve been down in the dumps for months now, or youve lost a loved one or your job, or youve broken up with someone, then Im happy to admit that these meagre 400-or-so words are not about to turn you around youve been through the ringer so be kind to yourself and dont hesitate to see a professional.

But, if your moods generally err on the side of blue its time to buck up! Because you can change if you want to.

Rule number one: you may feel like isolating but its not the answer. You can enjoy socialising, just pick people you can be your curmudgeonly self around. The more you talk through whats bothering you, the quicker youll recover. As Elton sang, thats what friends are for.

Speaking of: listen to music. And while youre listening to it, walk. You dont have to download Walking on Sunshine but you dont have to indulge in Leonard Cohen either. Pick a few songs that are uplifting and walk it out. Research shows that exercise lifts your mood. And listening to music you love does too, so imagine what combining them will do for you!

Marty Seligman, the godfather of positive psychology, recommends this and so do I: a grateful journal. At the moment, youre probably thinking What do I have to be grateful for? Well, this is about realigning your brain to focus on the positive. Once you get used to recording five good things that happened to you at the end of every day (no matter how small), your brain will slowly gravitate towards the positive rather than the negative.

Finally, get your mind off yourself. This is not just tough love; research proves this is the key to happiness. Go be of service to friends and family. If you dont have either, then help an old person cross the road. Stand up for someone on the bus. Give change to the Salvation Army. Smile.

The pleasant by-product of this method is a rise in self-esteem. And once you start to feel like youre worth something youll find happiness because its in you, I promise, and its busting to come out.

Making friends as a grown-up can be challenging especially if youre a little on the introverted side. But its not impossible.

I know social-networking sites are the scourge of existence for some, but they also happen to be the easiest way to set up a friendship without appearing as if you, you know, desire a romantic interlude.

So, if youre out and youre introduced to someone you want to be friends with, hop on Facebook or Twitter. And do it straight away the games that apply in romance do not work in friendship, where the majority of people are already a little on the shy side.

If you dont get out much, Facebook is still a useful tool. If you like what someone has said on your friends wall, there is no reason why you cant cross-pollinate. There are also hundreds of home-made blogs literally begging to be commented on. And its surprisingly easy to develop a friendship from one kind remark.

Of course, you can join clubs, groups and sports teams and initiate the after-work drinks with potential office buddies.

But with any of these methods, its hard to make friends if you dont first have your attitude aligned to friend-making. Look, I know how that sounds, so lets just say that the advice your mother gave you still stands: smile, ask questions, dont fold your arms.