Lois P. Frankel - Nice Girls Just Dont Get It: 99 Ways to Win the Respect You Deserve, the Success Youve Earned, and the LifeYou Want

Nice Girls Dont Get the Corner Office
Nice Girls Dont Get Rich
See Jane Lead
Stop Sabotaging Your Career
Women, Anger, and Depression

Her Place at the Table (coauthored with
Deborah Kolb, PhD, and Judith Williams, PhD)

Copyright 2011 by Lois P. Frankel, PhD, and Carol M. Frohlinger, JD

This book is written for informational purposes only. It contains general information and, because everyones situation is unique, readers are encouraged to consult with appropriate professionals to obtain advice specific to them. Crown Publishers and the authors disclaim any responsibility for actions taken by readers as a result of the general information contained herein.

All rights reserved.

Published in the United States by Crown Publishers, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Frankel, Lois P., 1953
Nice girls just dont get it : 99 ways to win the respect you deserve, the success youve earned, and the life you want / Lois P. Frankel, Carol M. Frohlinger. 1st ed.
1. Assertiveness in women. 2. WomenPsychology. 3. Interpersonal relations. 4. Interpersonal communication. 5. Respect. 6. Success. I. Frohlinger, Carol, 1953 II. Title.

HQ1206.F682 2011
155.333dc22
2010050271

eISBN: 978-0-307-59048-0

Jacket design by Nupoor Gordon

v3.1

If you often feel invisible, taken advantage of, treated less than respectfully, or at a loss for how to get the things you most want in lifejoin the club. The nice girls club, that is. Nice girls are women who hold themselves back in life by conforming to the stereotypical behaviors theyve been socialized to believe are necessary for survival. These are women who unwittingly sabotage relationshipsin their romantic lives, with family members, at work, or with just about anyone elseand, as a result, fail to get the things they want most out of life. As women, were bombarded throughout our lives with messages that try to convince us that being nice is more important than getting the things we want. Even if no one has ever said this to you explicitly, were guessing youve most likely absorbed the message that putting your needs first will land you on the bitch list.

Heres an example of how messages from childhood can hurt you in the present. Cheryl is a manager in a large aerospace firm. Shes well respected at the office, but shes still treated like a child by her parents. As a single woman, at holiday get-togethers with family, shes expected to sit at the childrens table because there isnt enough room at the dining room table for all the adults. Needless to say, its something that bothers her greatly, but she doesnt know what to do about it. When she suggested that it was time for her to be seated at the adult table, she was told that she was being overly sensitive. So now she holds her tongue and goes along for the sake of getting along, not wanting to ruin family gatherings.

Reluctance to make waves has impacted her at work as well as at home. Shes known as an affable and easygoing woman, but is not considered high potential because she wont express opposing opinionseven ones that could help the company to grow. Being a nice girl has gotten her to where she isbut it wont get her to where she wants to go. The messages she received in childhood and now carries into the present are getting in the way of her ability to accomplish her adult goals.

Childhood behaviors, whether learned from implicit parental expectations or explicit demands, pervade every aspect of our experiences as women. From being unable to leave an abusive relationship, to being immobilized in a career, to being reluctant to question a physician about a prescribed course of treatment, nice girls are more concerned with how others may react, or what others may think of them, than they are with their own well-being.

Dont get us wrong. Being nice is important, but niceness alone will not get you what you want out of life. Being kind, considerate, and generous is an ingredient for success in every endeavor or interaction, but its simply not sufficient. We know, from years of personal and professional experience, that you can reach your personal and professional goals and do it nicely. Its not an either-or proposition.

Winning women are women who have learned how to win the respect they deserve, the success theyve earned, and the life they want without being labeled a bitch. By things we dont mean only tangibles such as a new home, a good deal on a car, or a better job. We mean creating situations where your voice is heard, your needs are met, and, regardless of the outcome, you feel good about how you handled yourself. Being a winning woman doesnt mean youll always get everything you want, but it does mean youll go after your goals in ways that are authentic, intentional, skillful, and mature. Consider these differences between nice girls and winning women:

In Nice Girls Dont Get the Corner Office and Her Place at the Table, we focused on how to overcome the nice girl behaviors that can prevent you from achieving your career goals. From what weve heard from many of you who read these books, acting on our advice made a difference! Some women wrote to tell us they got promotions they wanted, others got raises, and yet others had the courage to walk away from toxic or unhealthy employment situations. To you, we tip our hats. Now we want to provide a broader set of skills you can use with