Jim Burns - Understanding Your Teen: Shaping Their Character, Facing Their Realities

I n many ways, you are holding my lifes work in your hands. I have written other books, but a book is like a child; you love all of them with each one being unique. This book is about my lifelong passion. Or at least it became my passion when I was sixteen years old. I was one of those kids who, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, always had the same answer. While some of my childhood friends wanted to be a firefighter one day and a doctor the next, I always had the same answer: I wanted to be a professional baseball player like my brother. It was my passion. Then a few months after my sixteenth birthday, I was hanging out at the beach with my friends. A complete stranger handed me a piece of paper with a photo of the ocean and a psalm written on it. For some reason, at that moment I moved from wanting to be a baseball player to wanting to spend my life helping teenagers.

Some people would say the little piece of paper was somehow a sign from God. Back then I wouldnt have said that. But I do think that my desire to help young people and their families was part of a calling on my life. I have never wanted to do anything else. Even when I speak at marriage conferences or write books for parents, my ultimate purpose is to help kids. We all know a secure marriage or a parenting plan will help kids in the long run.

I started working with teens right after that beach experience, and I never stopped. At the Burns family Christmas parties, my Dad would invite me to sit at the grown-up table and I would turn him down! I loved teenagers, so I would always sit with them.

Because I have spent my entire adult life working in the world of teenagers and their families, I thought this book would be easy to write. Was I ever wrong! I have rewritten entire chapters, changed topics, moved around paragraphs, and struggled with what to say. Parenting teens is not easy, and what kids are going through today is tougher than in previous generations. I dont want this message to be depressing. At the same time, I want to be a realist. Because life is complicated for teens and for their parents, I dont want to give easy, trite answers to complex issues, but at the same time I want to create a very hopeful book.

As I began this project, I started brainstorming catchy titles. This book could have been called I Hate You! Leave Me Alone! Whats for Dinner? or How to Land the Helicopter Without Crashing or Who Is This Stranger in the House? or a host of other corny titles. However, I settled on Understanding Your Teen, because I think it best describes the felt need of every parent with teens or preteens.

Its difficult to be a teenager today. Sure, the technological advances and opportunities are amazing, yet at the same time teens deal with pornography, terrorism, and so many experiences that were not around that day I felt called to work with teens. This is a unique generation: some are amazingly committed to making this world a better place and others are simply feeling lost and overwhelmed. It was interesting to hear the responses from adults when I told them I was writing a book on raising teenagers. I usually got a sigh, an eye-roll, and that far-off look that says, I need this book!

On a personal level, my wife, Cathy, and I thought that because of our background in youth ministry raising our own teens would be easy. It wasnt. We realized quickly that even though other kids might have thought we were cool, our own kids had other opinions! We are through the teen years and into emerging adulthood with our daughters now. I look back at their adolescence with both a fondness for the ride and the sobering knowledge that they could have made poor choices that would have lasted a lifetime.

So as you read this book, look for ways to incorporate some of the ideas into your parenting. Think of me as a friend who has already been through the teen years and is coming alongside you to help you navigate this season of life. The goal is to help you raise kids who love God and who will one day become responsible adults. Ive also included reflection questions at the end of each chapter. It may be best to write down your answers and thoughts or to discuss them with your spouse or with a trusted friend.

One other note: throughout the book I describe teens interchangeably as her/him, she/he, and so on. I am using these words as generic terms for teens of either gender.

One thing I know about parenting teens is that you will be a much more effective parent if you stay calm, develop and follow a plan, and get as emotionally healthy as you possibly can. If you like roller coaster rides, then get ready for the ride of your life.