Rita Roberts - Parents with Price Tags: Heal Yourself of Family Dysfunction and Love Your Children Unconditionally

Copyright 2014 Rita Roberts

All rights reserved under the International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review.

ISBN 978-0-9936786-0-8 (print)

ISBN 978-0-9936786-1-5 (e-pub)

Published by Divine Creations Press

Design and layout by Kim Monteforte, WeMakeBooks.ca
Cover design by Kim Monteforte, WeMakeBooks.ca
Edited by Andrea Lemieux

This publication contains the opinions and ideas of its author. It is intended to provide helpful and informative material on the subjects addressed in the publication. It is sold with the understanding that the author is not engaged in rendering medical, health, or any other kind of personal professional services in the book. The reader should consult his or her medical, health, or other competent professional before adopting any of the suggestions in the book or drawing inferences from it.

The author and publisher specifically disclaim all responsibility for any liability, loss, or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use or application of any of the contents of this book.

Author's note: The names of the people and places in this book have been changed in order to preserve their privacy.

Printed and bound in Canada

Dedication

This book is dedicated to my beautiful children, my loving and supportive partner, and my loyal friends, whose unwavering love and support enabled me to persevere through difficult times and find the courage to share my story.

I would also like to dedicate this book to my clients and all those who seek healing and emotional support due to the needless suffering caused by their families' beliefs, culture, and religious expectations.

Finally, I thank God for bestowing the gift of healing and compassion unto me and the grace to recognize the miracles in my life. God bless.

Preface

I wrote this book primarily to heal myself and others of painful childhood experiences related to unresolved negative emotional conditioning, such as the pronouncement that children should be seen and not heard. When I was a child, individualism and childrens emotional needs were often not high on a parents list of priorities. Parents were taught by their own parents that a good parent focused on their childrens survival needs, which meant putting food on the table and shoes on their feet and keeping a roof over their heads. This is not a bad thing; however, it is only one facet of a childs overall well-being. Many parents failed to understand that neglecting their childrens emotional needs could potentially lead to their being despondent as adults; although the parents' lack of knowledge could be attributed, in part, to the suppressed emotions, controlled behavior, and governed expectations of their own generation.

A popular saying states that you can choose your friends but not your family. This book defies that statement and encourages you to factor in the option to choose your family if you wish. My intention is to bring healing to families in crisis and offer an alternative to those of you who live in families where other members refuse to heal. This alternative is to create a spiritual family, in which you have the opportunity to find mutual unconditional love and respect. The concept of embracing a new spiritual family takes precedence over societys traditional conditioning that encourages us to stay connected to our families of origin, no matter what the situation, and even though it often violates an individuals right to free will.

I had to confront my fear of writing this book and potentially upsetting many family members by exposing them through my personal experiences. This fear delayed my writing until I realized that I had an obligation to my self-healing and to others who are also suffering because of their families. I feel that by helping people to become aware of and understand what unconditional family love is, I can offer them the opportunity to heal.

I hope that by sharing my personal experiences, I can help you to recognize and embrace a healthier and more realistic understanding of what defines family. I hope you realize that no one has the right to violate your freedom to make your own choices and decisions and have your own opinions. I hope you learn to love yourself enough to stop making excuses for who you truly are and refuse to neglect your own happiness for the sake of your family or those who cannot love you unconditionally. I hope you find the courage to live an authentic life that will lead you to the happiness you truly deserve.

Acknowledgments

I would like to express a heartfelt thank you to two members of my spiritual family, William Riley and Betty Costa, for stepping into my life and the lives of my children to play the role of parent and grandparent when my biological parents did not. William and Betty loved me and my children unconditionally through the good and the challenging times. When I needed the support of a loving family, they were there always without a hidden agenda or expectations. These two amazing people were the catalysts that inspired me to write this book.

I would also like to send my gratitude to my biological family. I realize now that everything that was instilled in me as a child was done for my reason. Without their influence, I would not be the person, parent, or healer I am today.

Introduction

Many people have no idea what encompasses a genuine healthy family. Many of todays families are held together by fear and control rather than unconditional love and mutual respect. However, if you were to ask people if they authentically love and respect each and every member of their families, their answer would be yes. In fact, they would probably have a look of confusion on their faces, wondering why in the world anyone would ask them such a ridiculous question, when the obvious answer is supposed to be of course I do! There are those who are fortunate to be blessed with a healthy family environment, but what happens to those of us who are not quite so lucky? These individuals have to choose either to remain silent or to expose their families. Unfortunately, both these choices have their consequences.

No matter what our family situations arefair or unfair, healthy or dysfunctional, happy or sad, loving or neglectfulwe learn not to disclose our family secrets or to offer any negative opinions or feedback that might be used against us or any of our family members. We seem to have adopted a natural reaction to want to protect ourselves and our families. This is because of an unspoken law that is subconsciously passed down through the generations to each and every one of us from the time of our birth that dictates that we are to remain discreet regarding our families, proud of them, and loyal and forever dedicated to themno matter what the price. The day of our birth marks the date of this unwritten contract that seals our fates for the rest of our lives. Unfortunately, this loyalty does not come without a huge price tag. The price many people pay for denying themselves of the truth about their unhealthy family situations could ultimately cost them their health, peace of mind, and personal happiness.

We need to know when to stay and when to go. As hard as it might be to do, sometimes we need to disconnect from our families to get and stay healthy. Even though this option doesnt seem to have earned public approval, it saved my life. Understandably, many people are often afraid that if they were to admit to themselves, or to anyone else, that their family lives leave them feeling emotionally unfulfilled or extremely unhappy, they could potentially suffer irrevocable consequences at the hands of their families. To protect themselves, they choose to accept the most common behavior in todays society with respect to dealing with family issues, and that is to suppress their true feelings and present the illusion of being happy instead.