Tye Farley - The Elements of D8ing: The Essential LGBTQ Guide to Meeting, Connecting, Dating, and Loving

Copyright 2016 by Tye Farley and Tosin Adesanya

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

Cover design by Philip Price at PPGFX

Print ISBN: 978-1-5107-1281-2

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-5107-1282-9

Printed in the United States of America

Contents

Chapter 2: Five-Date Rule

Chapter 3: 80/20

Chapter 5: Communication

Chapter 6: Common Interests

Chapter 8: Dating Apps, or the More Things Change

Chapter 11: Sex and Self

Chapter 12: Self and Independence

CHAPTER 1

THE SUPERFICIAL GAY: INTIMACY

SELF, APPRECIATION, COMMON INTERESTS, REASONABLE EXPECTATIONS

We are visual creatures. Theres no way around this fact. Without getting too deep into the biological jargon, the placement of our eyes is the result of thousands of years of evolution... And for what, exactly? They are the first judges of any given scenario. Sight is, more often than not, the first sense that wakes up your brain so you can recognize those potential life-changing moments. You know, those times when you may need to fight, those times when you need to run your ass off... and those promising times when you want to get some serious fucking done.

Yes, the so-called windows to our respective souls know what we want before the brain even realizes it. Lets set the scene. Youre in a dimly lit lounge. The thickness of the dark is penetrated only with the occasional jab of light from the fixtures above. Teasingly, the light washes across the face of a veritable specimen. They were visible only for a second, but that second was all your eyes needed to slap the pleasure center of your brain. Now, maybe youre naturally the outgoing type. Maybe its the orgy of beats and sound intertwined with the marriage of your eighteen-year-old whiskey, ice, and lime. Whatever your starting block, the endgame is the same. You want what you see and youre going to make that play to get what you want, because no hot and sweaty encounter has ever occurred without those eyes of yours okaying it first. Then everything else falls into place, right?

Right?

Who doesnt like running their fingers down a set of abs that would make Adonis want to renew his gym membership? Would you complain about big, defined arms that could otherwise manhandle a bench press if they werent currently pinning you against the wall, only to follow up by forcefully introducing you to that California King mattress? What about a set of lips that would make Angelinano, Marilyn Monroeone jealous girl? Lips that you know could suck the polish off a... But, ahem, lets not digress.

Because were initially visually stimulated, and because attraction, for the most part, starts with what we see, then its not hard to believe that a certain level of superficiality has to exist in order for attraction to be present. As a matter of fact, one could argue that without superficiality, preferences wouldnt exist. If we couldnt distinguish between who we thought was smoking hot and whom we considered to be fifteen seconds in the microwave, would there even be a desire to go after anyone?

Yes, we need to be superficial on some level.

But, as they say, too much of anything can be detrimental. Many times, we allow what someone looks like to govern the path we take with that person. If all youre into is meeting and bedding as many hot bodies as you can find, then by all means, let superficiality run your social life. There will be no need to dig deeper. There will be no reason to get to know someone on any plane other than the physical one. Why waste your time? Youre better off objectifying. Youre better off locking your emotions up tight. Youre better off dismissing the possibility of building the rock-solid bridge needed to create, grow, and sustain a healthy relationship because youre more interested in testing the durability of your bedsprings.

The absolute truth is, visual stimulation will get you only so far. Its just enough to set the beginning stages for the foundation of a potential relationship. Think of it as the gateway drug to more... if you want more.

For those who want more, read on.

Youve met this weekends Mona Lisa. For all intents and purposes, the object you have in front of you is the visage of beauty incarnate... for the weekend, or maybe even just tonight. But make no mistake, this person at this point is nothing more than an object. How could they be anything more? You just met them. Even if you exchange numbers and engage in the typical alcohol-induced verbiage, you havent even begun to scratch the tip of the tip of who they are. Hell, you probably havent even taken them to the bedroom for the horizontal salsa session.

Lets slow it down, take a step back. Youve reached the first of many crossroads that all potential relationships reach. Regardless of whether you met your potential love interest at Whole Foods, or a shadowy, rhythmic sweatbox, your brain immediately begins to decide exactly what part this character will play in your life story (even though we tend to erroneously assume that just because we met them shaking their ass, they cant be a viable candidate for the long term).

Categorization is the name of the game. We all do it. We immediately begin to assess exactly where someone will fit into our lives as soon as we meet them. The scenario in which weve met them, the clothes they weareven the way weve observed their interaction with others plays a part in determining exactly what role this person will play in our lives. Shell be a good friend. Hes fun to hang out and drink with. I dont like her; she talks too damned much. The same thing goes for potential intimate relationships.

We typically place folks in one of three interconnected categories, which are held together by transitional phases. Please see the uber-complex visual setup below that represents the progression/regression of intimate relationship development:

Imagine the white space just to the left of the figure as your starting point. This is the time right before you notice someone youre physically attracted to. The line where the white space meets the first rectangle shape represents the time period during which your superficial self takes over, followed immediately by the first rapport-building moment. This is promptly followed by the initial phase in the dating process, which is assessing if someone is worthy of being romped. The white spaces represent rapport-building opportunities for the different stages. The other two rectangles represent the respective ranges for friendship and dating. Finally, the double-sided arrow represents the possibility of a potential love interest moving between the three dating ranges, which is dependent upon your experience with that person.