Kimberly Ventus-Darks - When You Have Outgrown Him: Whether to Stay or Go

When You Have Outgrown Him

Copyright 2010 by Dr. Kimberly Ventus-Darks

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form whatsoever, including electronic, mechanical or any information storage or retrieval system, except as may be expressly permitted in the 1976 Copyright Act or in writing from the publisher.

Requests for permission should be addressed to:

New Horizon Press

P.O. Box 669

Far Hills, NJ 07931

Dr. Kimberly Ventus-Darks

When You Have Outgrown Him: Whether to Stay or Go

Cover design: Robert Aulicino

Interior design: Susan S. Sanderson

Library of Congress Control Number: 2010925083

ISBN-13 (eBook): 978-0-88282-425-3

New Horizon Press

Manufactured in the U.S.A.

2014 2013 2012 2011 2010 / 5 4 3 2 1

To God, my Father,
my husband, Derrick, and son, Christian.
I love you all very much!

This book is based on the authors research, personal accounts and clients real life experiences. In order to protect privacy, names have been changed and identifying characteristics have been altered except for contributing experts. For purposes of simplifying usage, the pronouns his/her and s/he are sometimes used interchangeably. The information contained herein is not meant to be a substitute for professional evaluation and therapy with mental health professionals.

Our Time

This is a written rededication my husband gave to me after thirteen years of marriage, when I so deeply thought that I had outgrown him.

I remember the day I said I do

We were young, in love and full of romance

Our dreams of a life together had finally come true

We had our future ahead of us

It has been 13 years since we have exchanged vows

In that time many things have changed

I have watched you grow from a young woman

To a special woman

Beautiful, confident, accomplished, wise and spiritual

Are among the many qualities of your being

Weve witnessed the birth of our son Christian

Whom I contribute much of his upbringing and

Qualities, to your mothering, teaching and direction

Yes, Kimberly, my love, you are a wonderful mother

So much can be said for us as a couple

Weve been through happiness and sadness

Weve been friends and lovers

Weve lived in good times and bad times

Youve believed in me and I have believed in you

The time has come for me to renew my love for you

Never replacing our wedding vows, but adding to them

My words are from my heart:

From this day forward my promise to you is

Change from a good manto a better man

I do this by stating the following:

I promise

To take our love to a new level in romance and courtship

To explore new heights of my passion toward you

To make you feel more loved in a warmer way

I promise

To spiritually navigate our home with the eyes of an eagle

To be there for you when you feel weary

In need of my shoulder to lean on & my arms to hold you

Never to take for granted what we have in each other

I promise

To walk with you side by side, not from behind or too far ahead

To rediscover and embrace more of your unique, special character

To join you in growth and prosperity

Our time has come. From this day forward, we will live out our marriage in every way dreamed or imagined. And I begin this by writing these words and sayingI love you.

Derrick Darks

T he mission of When You Have Outgrown Him is to expose, acknowledge and then provide practical solutions for the hidden predicament of women outgrowing their mates. It will address growth issues as they pertain to financial, emotional, cultural and spiritual aspects. Well discuss what it means to outgrow your mate and how the idea of outgrowth is specific to each individual couple. Together well learn how you can analyze your relationships from a fair perspective. Men are not the enemies, but rather possible victims of mothers who raised their children under a very popular trap of loving their boys but teaching their girls. Boys who were loved instead of taught become men who are loved and unprepared, because they were never taught. I believe this is one of the major reasons behind why women tend to outgrow their mates. This is not a self-help book on ways to leave and end your relationship, but instead options will be provided on how to view your relationship from a clear and fair perspective, not guided by emotions and feelings but instead realism, fairness and sound judgment. When You Have Outgrown Him discusses issues the public is not comfortable exposing. You will learn the questions to consider when determining whether your relationship is as bad as it seemsif it is worth leaving your present mate for a partner who could possibly be worse than your current one. In most cases, you need a little of your mates laidback personality and he needs a little of your superwoman perspective. Research supports that when the two are mixed together, surprisingly it makes a great balance and therefore a very strong relationship.

W hat happens when a woman is forced to ask herself these profound questions: Why is my forty-two-year-old husband still watching cartoons? What does it mean when I am looking for a second job in the Sunday newspaper and my husband is in the family room playing video games? Regardless if it is due to the embarrassment of having to admit that you have possibly married a kid at heart or the need to hold on to a piece of a marriage that is falling apart, for many women it is a taboo to think that they may have actually fallen into this relationship dilemma where they have outgrown their mates. Media, talk shows and other popular venues discuss how women are stressed out and unappreciated and that the majority of household obligations and outside necessities have become their sole concern and responsibility. The deeper reason, I believe, behind what is really going on is that in too many relationships today women find that they have outgrown their mates. The media often portrays this dilemma in a comical fashion and does a good job of circling around the problem, without actually confronting it head-on. It is not uncommon to see a television commercial where the wife is cooking dinner, putting a load of clothes in the washing machine and tending to three screaming kids all at the same time. Meanwhile the husband successfully tunes out his family by lying on the couch, watching a football game on TV and yelling at the referee for calling a foul on his home team. As women we recognize in commercials like these analogies to our own lives. What was supposed to be joint responsibility with our mates is clearly unbalanced and dangerously one-sided. Most of us would admit that we can relate to the circumstances, but we have yet to label this problem as a possible stage of outgrowth. Until we recognize and confront the truth about this escalating relationship problem, it will continue to go on mislabeled and unresolved. The only hope we have to mend our stress-filled relationships is to unravel the truth behind why so many women outgrow their mates.