Michael Bennett MD - F*ck Feelings: One Shrinks Practical Advice for Managing All Lifes Impossible Problems

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Copyright 2015 by FXCK FEELINGS LLC

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Simon & Schuster Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.

First Simon & Schuster hardcover edition September 2015

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Interior design by Ruth Lee-Mui

Cover design by Jason Heuer

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Bennett, Michael, 1945

F*ck feelings : one shrinks practical advice for managing all lifes impossible problems / Michael Bennett, MD, Sarah Bennett.

pages cm

In the title, the [u] is represented by an asterisk.

Summary: The only self-help book youll ever need, from a psychiatrist who will help you put aside your unrealistic wishes, stop trying to change things you cant change, and do the best with what you can controlthe first steps to solving all of lifes impossible problemsProvided by publisher.

ISBN 978-1-4767-8999-6 (hardback)ISBN 978-1-4767-9000-8 (paperback)ISBN 978-1-4767-9001-5 (ebook) 1. Problem solving. 2. Problem solving therapy. 3. Self-actualization (Psychology) 4. Interpersonal relations. 5. Self-help techniques. I. Bennett, Sarah. II. Title. III. Title: Fuck feelings.

BF449.B46 2015

158dc23

2014048966

ISBN 978-1-4767-8999-6

ISBN 978-1-4767-9001-5 (ebook)

For the previous generation, Claire and Dr. Jacob Bleiberg, and Beatrice and Jacob Bennett. Tough lives couldnt stop them from sticking to their values and working hard so that our lives could be so much easier.

And for friend, mentor, and legendary mensch Dr. Ted Nadelson, who taught us that the best way to help people accept whats tough about life is to make them laugh.

Theres no should or should not when it comes to having feelings. Theyre part of who we are and their origins are beyond our control. When we can believe that, we may find it easier to make constructive choices about what to do with those feelings.

Fred Rogers , The World According to Mister Rogers: Important Things to Remember

Most people read self-help books, or come to see shrinks, because they cant solve their problems after trying very, very hard to do it themselves. This is true whether they feel depressed, anxious, ill-treated, burdened with self-destructive behaviors, hurt by an unhappy relationship, too fat, too thin; you name it. They come expecting advice or treatment that will reduce symptoms, ease painful feelings, strengthen self-control, or mend broken relationships. Basically, they want a cure. These expectations are stoked by the public faces of therapy, particularly those telegenic, first-name-basis self-help gurus like Drs. Phil, Drew, Laura, Nick, etc.

F*ck Feelings offers a more realistic approach from a medically trained, practicing psychiatrist who, over a forty-year clinical career, has treated hundreds of patients with intractable mental illness, bad habits, and troubled relationshipsDr. Lastname. That was the alias used by your authorsDr. Michael Bennett, the aforementioned Harvard-educated psychiatrist, and his daughter Sarah Bennett, a writer who spent years writing sketch comedy at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New Yorkas we developed our collaborative technique at our website, fxckfeelings.com.

Observing the difference between what people expect from therapy and what they are actually likely to achieve, I, Dr. Bennett, came to believe that people use the very act of coming for helpand their overbelief in a cure for their problemsto deny the fact that there is much about life, others, and their own personalities that is beyond anyones power to change. They would rather see themselves as failures or as partially developed seekers who cannot properly begin their lives until they have found an answer that has so far eluded them. Clinging to the belief that they can be cured, they want to know what they or any prior therapists did to block them from achieving their treatment goals. Unfortunately, many therapists, eager to help patients realize these wishes, support their false hopes. I am not one of them.

F*ck Feelings explains that, in most cases, you have not failed and do not need to try harder or wait longer for improvement to begin; instead, you need to accept that life is hard and your frustrated efforts are a valuable guide to identifying what you cant change. After urging you to accept whatever it is you cant changeabout your personality, behavior, spouse, kid, feelings, boss, country, pet, etc.the F*ck Feelings approach shows you how to become much more effective at managing lifes impossible problems, instead of vainly and persistently trying to change them. If youre willing to accept what you cant change, we have many positive suggestions for improving the way you manage the shit on your platebeginning with not wasting time repeating what hasnt been working.

Your issue may be the love or hate you wish you could stop, the urge to drink or drug that you wish would go away, the blues you wish you could cure, or the spouse, kid, or parent you wish you could change. By the time you seek help, however, its usually obvious that something about your wish isnt feasible, but that hasnt stopped you from confusing that wish with a permanent, dedicated, high-priority goal. You cant go forward, or be helped by treatment, until you accept its impossibility, suck it up, and turn your bullshit wish into a goal that can actually be achieved.

Accept whatever is obviously impossible about your goals. Accept that depression is often chronic and incurable, so you can stop blaming yourself for not controlling it. Stop treatments that dont seem to be helping. Embrace whatever positive steps help you to live with and manage your illness or issue. Accept that there are some losses that never stop hurting, so you can stop delving into them, get used to living with a heavy heart, and try to build a better life. Accept that you have some urges for stimulating but unhealthy substances, sex partners, or self-expression that no amount of self-understanding will change. Stop asking why youve got weaknesses and start preventing them from turning you into a jerk.

After challenging advice seekers, patients, and our readers to accept what you cant change, we show how youre much less responsible for your misery than you thought. We teach good, often well-established methods for making the best of thingsmethods that you werent using because you were too busy with wishful thinking instead of problem solving.