Michael Bennett Md - F*ck Love: One Shrink’s Sensible Advice for Finding a Lasting Relationship

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Dedications

Both Bennetts: To Mona, wife and mother, co-creator of the truth behind this book and anchor of our lives for over forty years/-ever.

MB: To Peter Bleiberg, my brother-in-law and better-than-brother.

SB: To the man who wrote more wise words about loveromantic, brotherly, spiritual, and every kind of love in betweenthan almost anyone else in history. Prince, this book is dedicated 2 U.

Much print has been dedicated to the subject of romantic relationshipswhy theyre so hard to find, so difficult to maintain, so easily analogized to planets and petsbut the major source of trouble isnt that complicated. Too many people choose their partners based on excitement, lust, attraction, neediness... on feelings . Not surprisingly, as the authors of the book F*ck Feelings , we see that as a major problem.

While weve previously covered all manner of relationships, from voluntary (friendships, romantic partnerships) to involuntary (coworkers, neighbors, family, family, a thousand times family), this book is about searching for, maintaining, and surviving lasting romantic relationships.

Despite the (catchy, profane) title, F*ck Love isnt a manifesto that praises arranged marriages and claims that, due to her romcom filmography, Nancy Meyers is the Great Satan; its a practical guide to finding someone whom you wont feel crazy about just until the honeymoon is over, in a partnership you can feel good about for life. This book teaches you how to do a pragmatic assessment of what youre intoor really what you needso you dont obsess over whether hes into you and waste time on guys or gals who are easily described by airport bestsellers.

We dont tell you to reject love entirely, but to combine it with good management and a businesslike methodology. Put them together and youve got a fighting chance of either finding a good partner or at least not fucking up your life. This book might not help you find the person of your dreams, but it will provide you with the road map to avoiding the kind of nightmare relationships that probably caused you to buy books like this in the first place.

Before we can Sherpa you on your journey to the summit of Mt. Monogamy, however, lets break down exactly what we mean by a management/business approach, whom its designed to guide, how its best used, and, if used correctly, the kind of relationship you can expect to find at the end.

Our term of choice for significant otherwhether were referring to a boyfriend, husband, old lady in a common-law relationshipis partner, not just because its a good catchall, but because we believe that strong partnership is at the core of any solid relationship. Our hearts, pop songs, and Oprahs may tell us that relationships exist to end loneliness or find eternal love, but our minds, bank accounts, and books were reading at this second know that the real point of finding a mate is to have a good partner with whom you can build a good life.

Thats why we encourage you to stop seeing your search as the quest for a soul mate or for marital contentment and start looking at yourself as a corporate headhunter out to find someone with whom you can run the business of life better than you can do it on your own.

That doesnt mean we think you should wind up with a partner you can work with but dont really like, or that love doesnt figure anywhere into the equation, and that discussions about who will take out the garbage will require you to write four TPS reports. Love and trust are important, but love doesnt last if your partner cant be relied on to do his portion of the work, make smart decisions, or keep promises, and if he doesnt share your long-term goals, whether they be having kids or training show ferrets.

The stakes for keeping a marriage and business afloat are both sky-high; if you cant work with your partner to survive financial problems, stagnancy, and the sometimes-crippling annoyance caused by the other guys weaknesses and obnoxious habits, you risk the pain of bankruptcy, divorce, or personal ruin.

Thats why investing in a long-term partnership/relationship is about the most dangerous thing you will ever do in your lifebase jumping and relying on Bostons MBTA during a snowy winter includedand the business recruitment approach is the best way to screen out and avoid people who are bound to damage your life and break your heart, regardless of how desirable and exciting they seem in the short term.

So, you can love someone deeply, but if you can also work well together with that someone as a partner, youre much more apt to like each other after ten or twenty years. Which means, as hard as it may be for our romantically skewed minds to believe at first, the wish list of the human heart and of your average Head of Human Resources are remarkably similar.

This book isnt aimed just at people looking for a relationship, a.k.a. embarking on a hiring, but also at those who are having issues in relationships and marriages. Our approach works for anyonemarried or single, gay or straight, dating around or considering settling downwhos looking for help finding, keeping, or improving a stable relationship.

Even if youre unsure about ever wanting a marriage or a lasting commitment, this book is still useful; good relationships are good relationships, whether theyre romantic, close friendships, office based, or sex-centric temporary couplings. Knowing how to find good relationships in general and avoid the many, many ones that arent is a skill you need to learn and practice all your life. Becoming relationship savvy isnt just necessary in order to find a relationship that lastsespecially since marriage isnt the right goal for everyone (see p. xxi)but so you can protect yourself from unnecessary pain, complications, and legal action.

The most important thing you have to do in finding a good relationship is to screen out the bad ones that youre drawn to, so if you learn quickly from early heartbreaks and are naturally drawn to solid people, you dont need this book. If, however, like so many people, you find yourself drawn repeatedly into the same bad relationships, then our approach will help you figure out what you want that you just cant and shouldnt have and get more rational and methodical about screening.

No matter who you are or what kind of relationship youre in or seeking, success depends on your ability to recognize good character strengths when you see them, realize how vital they are to the long-term success of any relationship, and recruit them into your life.

Since youre going to be looking at your search or relationship through a business lens, begin by thinking seriously about your priorities and needs and, after considering what you can reasonably expect from a partner or prospect, put together a job description for your co-CEO of Marriage Inc. First, figure out the requirements of the job itself, from how much time you require (how many hours per week shell have to put in), to what duties shell be required to perform (from sharing in the pet-walking and dish-doing), to what special skills shell need to possess (from spider-killing to baby-having).