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Angelo Pezzote - Straight Acting: Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love

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Book:
Straight Acting: Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love
Author:
Angelo Pezzote
Publisher:
Kensington
Genre:
Books / Romance novel
Year:
2008
Rating:
4 / 5
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Fed up with the fact that men have a shorter shelf life than sushi?

Finding, let alone building, a strong relationship can still be challenging for gay men. The reason? Masculinity. All men, gay or straight, have been socialized to believe that to be overtly gay is unmanly and shameful. To compensate, many gay men adopt a macho, straight acting pose that blocks them from being their full selves, expressing their true feelings and forging real, lasting connections.

In Straight Acting, Angelo Pezzote (AskAngelo.com) encourages readers to go beyond limiting ideas of how real men should behave, and leave behind out-dated ways of being that create stumbling blocks to deeper intimacy. Drawing on his years of experience as a gay psychotherapist and advice columnist, he offers practical and thoughtful relationship strategies, with tips on subjects that include coming out, dating, how to avoid falling for a player, how to maintain a sizzling, satisfying sex life, navigating open relationships, and much more. Most of all, he delivers crucial insights on the importance of ditching the macho act and learning to be true to yourself. Whether youre single and sick of it, wanting to move closer to your partner, or wondering how to meet someone for the very first time, let Angelo show you how to get real and get him. Put yourself out there to getand keepthe love you want.

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Table of Contents

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I thank the following people, in alphabetical order, whose works have in part inspired this work: Dr. Alfred Adler, Dr. Sigmund Freud, Dr. Carl Jung, Jackson Katz and Jeremy Earp, Mike Lew, Dr. James ONeil, Dr. Joseph Pleck, Dr. William Pollack and Dr. Ronald Levant, Dr. Terrence Real, Gabriel Rotello, MichelAngelo Signorile. Special thanks to inspirational teachers, mentors, colleagues, and friends, Dr. Michael Bernard Beckwith, Marie Keller, Dr. Leah Matson, and Dr. Arlen Ring. Ive been influenced by their thoughts. This book in part contains some of their teachings, which I have adapted for gay men. Other acknowledgments are listed in the book where appropriate. A heartfelt thanks to all those who taught and believed in me: the formal teachers Ive had in my life, clinical supervisors, colleagues, those who got Ask Angelo off the ground, my family, loved ones, and friends, and most of all, the people whom Ive had the privilege to assist. Im grateful to John Scognamiglio at Kensington Publishing for accepting my pitch, my editor, Justin Hocking, for acquiring my work and pushing me beyond where I thought I could go. He challenged me to chisel a statue (a book) out of a slab of marble (the words).

The Inspiration
My True Hollywood Story

The journey home is never too long.

A.R. Rahman and Don Black

O ur journey begins in West Hollywood, California. Why there? West Hollywood is gay ground zero. The US Census last reported that California, followed by New York, has the highest proportion of same-sex couples in the states plus the District of Columbia. And West Hollywood upstaged San Francisco as the queen city, having the highest ratio of same-sex couples in the United States. A third of West Hollywoods residents are gay. There are over thirty gay bars in the city, which is just 1.9 square miles. It has one of the densest US populations, which can triple on weekends, and swell up to half a million for major events like Halloween Carnival and the Gay Pride Parade. The city is known as a front-runner in social justice legislation and as one of the gayest places in the country. In fact, its Gay Mecca.

It was my life dream to move to West Hollywood (WeHo)the shining city of Oz! It was going to be wonderfula great, gay city! I had already traveled much of the globe, but I chose to live in West Hollywood. I was sure to make many gay friends and build a fulfilling life with my partner. Happiness awaited me. After all, if I couldnt find it in West Hollywood as a gay man, then where on earth was left?

After ten years of California dreaming, I finally moved to the Emerald City from Boston, MA. After three and a half years together, my partner and love of my life unexpectedly told me he wasnt in love with me anymore. He walked out six months after arriving in West Hollywood and never looked back. He quickly joined the hot WeHo scene. When I bumped into him several months later, he was a stranger wearing another mans ring. I was heartbroken and felt hopeless. I was without a support system, and a severe depression arose in me. It hit me with the full force of a devastating blow. I would never hurt myself, but it was a time I could hardly bear. I wanted to die every minute of every day for many months. No one was truly there for me in the promised land. It was a dark, cold, and barren time.

I quickly realized I was not in Kansas anymore. I was tormented by the Wicked Witch of the West. She was disconnection, isolation, and loneliness. The three years I lived there were the most painfully lonely in my life. So many gay men, and yet I was so alone, treated with such indifference. Nicholas Snow, creator of notesfromhollywood.com and friend, put it best. He told me that American materialism, the Hollywood emphasis on appearances, and the fit body image of the gay male gym culture, all collide in West Hollywood with an intensity unlike anywhere else.

It seemed like most of the gay men there had a perfect Adonis appearance adorned with a perfect attitude. It was as if they were beautiful carvings of cold stone. Gorgeous, youthful, impeccably dressed, meticulously manicured, incredibly fit, and masculine to boot. They were calculatingly posed with an expressionless, emotionally unavailable stare that looked right past you as if you werent there. They seemed to be sending out a strong contradictory messageIm here and Im fabulous, but dont you dare talk to me. I felt invisible. I may as well have been. It was nearly impossible to meet anybody. Unless alcohol or drugs were involved, the facades typically didnt come tumbling down on their own. It was an uninviting atmosphere, for the most part. While researching this subject, I interviewed many gay men with similar experiences. Interviewees named Johan and Doug shared their thoughts with me:

All kinds of people compliment me on my looks except other gay men. I feel a big difference when Im surrounded by just gay men. Theyre all so stuck-up and stuck on themselves. Everyones so guarded and it feels really unfriendly. I feel rejected by gay men rather than welcomed. I look around and feel worthlesslike Ill never be good enough. I dont experience these feelings of insecurity in other places. I think I have good self-esteem, but I feel like I want to slit my wrists when Im in a room full of gay guys. In fact, Id prefer a Starbucks to a gay coffee shop, a gym to a gay gym, and a bar to a gay bar any day.

Doug shared:

I went on one of those big gay cruises thinking I was going to meet 2, 000 great guys and I wanted to jump overboard after just a couple of days. It didnt feel welcoming at all.

Being lonely and being alone are not the same. Loneliness hurts, but being able to be comfortably alone with oneself is healthy. We create our own happiness from within. No one outside of us can truly make us happy, so its important to learn to be alone. But I also know that its a natural desire to share our lives with a partner and friends so were not lonely. Im not perfect, but with few notable exceptions, I could not meet friends, find dates, or hitch the future man of my dreams in West Hollywood. And I tried like hell.

I thank a power greater than myself for leading me to Dr. Michael Bernard Beckwiths Agape International Spiritual Center ( agape-live. com ) in Culver City. I have been very inspired by Dr. Beckwith, both personally and professionally, adapting his teaching about love and authenticity for both my life and work with gay men. Agape was a magically supportive place. As a stranger walking in the door, I felt warm and welcomed by members. Everyone was like Glinda, the Good Witch of the North. It would be great if gay bars were embracing like that. We could straggle in, having been ravaged by the hostile antigay war outside, welcomed by our brothers.

Now, Im sure West Hollywood can be a great place and that there are good people to be found there. But I was miserable in Gay Mecca. This deeply troubled me. I am a good person and a trained expert in building relationships. Yet I couldnt connect meaningfully with other gay souls in a preeminently gay city. Surely other gay men living there wanted deeper connection too. Something outside of me and them seemed to be getting in the way. I wondered what it was. I started to ponder this disconnect in our community. Didnt my experience in West Hollywood, the gayest of cities, reveal something about our sense of community as gay people in Anytown, USA?

I thought so. I started a gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender (GLBT) advice column, Ask Angelo, and Web site, askangelo.com , to address my concerns. Ask Angelo debuted at westhollywood.com , and soon after, I got invited for my first interview with notesfrom hollywood.com. Then Ask Angelo received its first online syndication at the gaywired.com network (now part of here! Interactive Media), and was printed in their international magazine Gay Monkey (now here! magazine ). Edgenewyork.com network soon followed.

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