Sue Bishop - Develop Your Assertiveness

This ebook published in 2013 by

Kogan Page Limited

120 Pentonville Road

London N1 9JN

UK

www.koganpage.com

Sue Bishop, 1996, 2000, 2006, 2010, 2013

E-ISBN 978 0 7494 6699 2

CONTENTS

So just what is assertiveness? What does being assertive entail? Its about being able to express yourself with confidence without having to resort to passive, aggressive or manipulative behaviour. It involves greater self-awareness; getting to know, like and be in charge of the real you. It requires listening and responding to the needs of others without neglecting your own interests or compromising your principles. It is about improving your interpersonal skills; more effective communication; controlling stress through a better handling of problem people and situations. It is about choice being able to express your needs, opinions or feelings, confident that you will not be dominated, exploited or coerced against your wishes.

Assertiveness is about effective communication and this does not just mean choosing the right words to say in a given situation. Tone of voice, intonation, volume, facial expression, gesture and body language all play a part in the message you are sending to the other person, and unless all parts of the equation match, you will be sending a garbled message.

Generally, if you are putting yourself or the other person down in some way, your communication style is not assertive. Although there will be times when you choose to be passive, or use more aggressive muscle, an assertive response is invariably the preferable one, and leads to winwin situations where both parties feel good about themselves. Assertive skills can be learnt, and later chapters explore the various approaches and techniques that can be applied.

When you first entered this world, and until you were about six months old, you knew and demonstrated two forms of behaviour: passive, dependent behaviour and aggressive, demanding behaviour. As you grew older, one of the first words you will have learnt and uttered is No. This is a way of saying, I can now begin to rationalize, to make my own decisions. It is a way of beginning to establish independence as a unique individual.

For toddlers, being passive sometimes, aggressive at others, freely expressing feelings, and saying No without guilt or malice, is spontaneous and natural. Were you reprimanded for saying No as a small child? Were you told it was not polite might hurt others feelings make you unpopular? Might this have a bearing on why you might find it difficult to utter the No word today?

In our early development we were conditioned by people and events, and soon adapted to please parents or other adults responsible for our social training. We were told what was good and what was bad; what to do and what not to do. It is often in a childs best interests to please or submit good behaviour is rewarded with smiles and favours. Sometimes bad behaviour gets its rewards as well thinks If I cant get her attention any other way, Ill scream, yell and throw things; any attention even a telling off is better than being ignored. You can see how the passive/aggressive pattern builds and how as adults we slide into adapted behaviour to achieve our own ends, to keep the peace or to meet the needs of others often to the detriment of our own well-being.

Passive and aggressive behaviours come naturally to us and often seem the easy (though seldom the most effective) option, whereas assertive behaviour requires a cognitive process rather than a gut reaction. It is learnt we were not born assertive. Depending on our own mood, the situation, the people involved and so on, we frequently respond somewhere along the spectrum of passive-through-aggressive without considering the assertive option which recognizes the needs, feelings and opinions of both you and the other person.

Conditioning plays a large part in the way you act and react as an adult. Role expectations come into this too. We may have mentally ingested that it is unladylike to express anger, or that it is a sign of weakness to cry in public, or that men should be aggressively ambitious, enjoy physical contact sports and so on. Subtle conditioning has coloured the way we see ourselves and others, but the good news is that conditioning has not fixed your personality for ever. You are constantly developing and chang ing. Things learnt can be unlearnt, alternative behaviours can be rehearsed and practised until they become second nature.

Before moving on to look at various aspects of assertiveness training, it should be stressed that passive and aggressive behaviours are not necessarily bad. They can both be appropriate at times righteous indignation at social injustices, for example. The assertive option might not always be the best behaviour choice. To test how effective your present behaviour is, try the following.

EXERCISE

Tick the response which best represents how you would react to each situation, not what you consider to be the correct response; then check with the comments below.

1 You work for an organization which has a strong equal opportunities policy. One of your staff has already been warned about racist remarks. You overhear him telling a racist joke to a colleague.

a Ive explained why jokes such as these are offensive. Its also company policy not to use sexist or racist language in the workplace. Do you have a problem with this which you would like to discuss?

b I know you think that racist jokes are just a bit of fun. If it were down to me but its the rules you know, and if the boss heard, it would be my neck on the line.

c Youve been told about expressing racist views before. This is your final warning. Disobey company rules again and youre looking at dismissal.

2 You have had complaints about the offhand manner of one of your staff. You call her into your office to talk about the problem. Before you can open the discussion, tearfully she says, I know what this is about, and yes, I have been short-tempered even rude to some customers recently, but I am so worried about my husband; hes having tests for a blood disorder.

a Thats all very well, but our business is suffering because of your attitude. Youll have to learn to leave your problems at home and give 100 per cent to the company while youre here.

b Im so sorry; Id no idea he was ill. Is there any way we can help you would a chat with the welfare section help ?

c I thought there must be some explanation. Im sorry that you have problems at home. However, we expect a certain standard from our staff, and complaints have been made which must be followed up.

3 One of your staff has made a minor error, unnoticed by you, but picked up by your boss who storms into the office and says to you, These are the wrong widgets. Youre so careless call yourself a supervisor?

a Youre right. Im really sorry I should have checked. It wont happen again. Ill get it sorted out right away.

b Who got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning then? Ill ignore your remarks youre obviously not yourself today!

c Im sorry that we made a mistake with this order. However, youre wrong to say that I am careless, and I resent your remarks about my supervisory skills. My standards and those of my team are high. Mistakes sometimes happen.