Dr. Robin Stern - The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life

MORGAN ROAD BOOKS

Copyright 2007 by Robin Stern

All Rights Reserved

Published in the United States by Morgan Road Books, an imprint of The Doubleday Broadway Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
www.morganroadbooks.com

MORGAN ROAD BOOKS and the M colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.

The ideas and techniques in this book are not intended as a substitute for consultation or treatment with a qualified mental health professional. Neither the publisher nor the author takes any responsibility for any possible consequences from any treatment, action, or application of medicine, herb, or preparation to any person reading or following the information in this book. The names and identifying characteristics of the people in this book have been disguised to protect their identity.

Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file with the Library of Congress.

eISBN: 978-0-7679-2782-6

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I am deeply grateful to so many people from various times of my life whose teaching, friendship, support, and collaboration created the foundation for my work and who have continued to inspire me through the writing of this book.

I feel so blessed to have met Amy Hertz. From our first resonant conversation, I hoped that she would be my editor! Amys broad vision, love of stories, and attention to detail have made it possible to reach a wide audience. Her authenticity and striving for excellence pushed my thinking. Heartfelt thanks also to her assistant Julie Miesionczek.

I also am beyond grateful to have met my amazing agent, Richard Pine, who brilliantly thought of the title for the book. His wisdom and guidance, patience with many drafts, and belief in the important subject matter inspired me to craft the strongest proposal and best book possible. My heartfelt thanks to co-agent Janis Vallely for her enthusiasm from the beginning, and for her deep listening, sharing, insight, and input on both the proposal and manuscript of this book.

My greatest thanks go to Rachel Kranz, whose genius, work ethic, and originality are remarkable. I am grateful for the hours and hours of deep conversation, of pushing back and forth, and of synchronicity. Rachels incisive thinking, in addition to her gift as a writer, made this the best book it could be. And none of these people would have been in my life were it not for Mike Frankfurt. For some wonderful, reason, Mike, in his generosity and kindness, was the man behind the scenes in friendship, in support, from the beginning of this project.

Very special thanks to Les Lenoff, my friend and colleague, who has painstakingly reviewed and reviewed my manuscript and offered brilliant insight and guidance in translating very difficult psychological concepts for a wider audience. Deep gratitude to my dear friend Naomi Wolf, cofounder of the Woodhull Institute for Ethical Leadership, who was literally by my side when I realized, years ago, that I really needed to bring public attention to the huge problem of emotional abuse. Thank you so much for all of your support and your contributions to this book. I am so grateful to Wende Jager-Hyman, executive director of the Woodhull Institute, and hugs to Helen Churko and Susan Devenyi for meaningful conversations, reviewing chapters of this manuscript and giving me important feedback. I thank all the women and men of Woodhullboard members, fellows, faculty, guests, and friendsfor holding the vision of educating and empowering women to speak their truth; at Woodhull, young women are empowered, through skill-building and self-understanding, to make their dreams come true. Among my many extraordinary Woodhull colleagues, a special thank-you to Gina Amaro, Cheri Anisman, Marlene Arnold, Kenny Becker, Steve Becker, Tara Bracco, Melissa Bradley, Karla Jackson Brewer, Ken Burrows, Phyllis Chesler, Beth Fenton, Joan Finsilver, Jennifer Gandin, Beth Greenberg, Erica Jong, Jennifer Jones, Karen Kisslinger, Chris Le, Jan Leonard, Joanna Lipper, Margot Magowan, Nicola Miner, Gretchen Mullin, Monica Rosen, Rashmi Sharma, Rosa and Joey Shipley, Agapi Stassinopoulos, and Jacquette Timmons.

I am deeply grateful to my research assistant, Andrs Richner, whose research skills, intelligence, generosity, and heart-centered view of the world have been invaluable in this writing.

To my teachers and mentors: I have journeyed a long road to writing this book and learned so much from so many along the way. Thanks to Marty Livingston, Anne Brooks, the late Sig Bernd, and all of whom taught me so much about their relationships. Deep gratitude to my colleagues and mentors Manny Shapiro and Frank Lachmann. To my many other teachers at Postgraduate Center for Mental Health, especially Marvin Aronson, Alex Broden, Al Brok, Arthur Gray, Jeffrey Kleinberg, Jerry Leff, the late Michael Lindenman, and Bill Meadersthank you for the opportunity to learn from all of you. Thanks also to my academic mentor, the late Phillip Merrifield, as well as to Elazar Pedhazur and Teresa Jordan. Special thanks to Bernie Weitzman of the graduate faculty, New School for Social Research. Thanks to my colleagues and friends at Teachers CollegeShawna Bushell, Chuck Kinzer, Xiadong Lin, Susan Lowes, and Robbie McClintockand thanks for our wonderful conversations to Carole Saltz of TC Press, and to New York University Graduate School of Education. Special thanks to Andy Cohen for years of compassion and support for my family. Thanks to my colleagues from Educators for Social Responsibility.

I feel a profound sense of gratitude to Daniel Goleman, whose work in emotional intelligence, leadership, and social intelligence has helped to shape my professional interests for more than ten years. My gratitude for deep learning in this field of study also goes to my colleagues and mentors Richard Boyatzis, Cary Cherniss, and J. Theodore Repa. Special thanks to Ted and Betty Repa for important conversations and Maine hospitality.

I am also grateful for those special moments when important knowing emerged from informal, engaged conversations, so thanks to Kathy Anderson, Loryn Ashlee, Kimberlee Auerbach, Jonathan Baliet, Arlene Basset, Sheila Brown, Linda Bruene Butler, Joanne Cassullo, Rachel Chou, Gardner Dunnan, Diana Feldman, Paula Jaye, Amishi Jha, Susan Kahn, Caroline Keating, Theo Koffler, Lisa Lahey, Jere Martin, Max McKlintock, Florence Meyer, Margaret Miele, Deb Oneil, John Pellitteri, Judy Rabinor, Alice Ray, Rose Rodriguez, Charles Rosenberg, Stephen Rudin, Sharon Salzberg, Michele Savitz, Deborah Schoeberlein, Michelle Seligson, Claudia Shelton, Beryl Snyder, Francee Sugar, and Deborah and Leonard Wolf. Very special thanks to Helen Churko for many insightful present conversations. Thanks for those important times of talking and sharing to the moms of Trevor, including Debbie Ashe, Anna Condo, Joan Finkelstein, Lise Gollogly, Shelley Kaplan, Ona Lyndquist, Adrienne Packer, Elana Roberts, Cathy Steck, Traci Werbel, and Kate White. Thanks to friends from other places and from years ago: Claire and Larry Aidem, Sheila Katt Beck, Linda Berko, Denise Bleckner, Kate Cannon, Wendy Dubit, Sheila Erlich, Judi Fishman, the late Karen Harte, Joan Hoberman, John Hughes, Ruth and Alan Jacobs, Linda Jacobson, Pat Launer, Jacquie Norris, Suzanne Roff, Lynn Schachter, Susan Schachtman, Wendy Schuman, Mark Seides, Cathy Weitz, and Genie Wing.