Aziz Gazipura - Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself

Driven by Fear,
Not Virtue

Nice is good, right?

It means youre caring, you dont hurt people, and you do the right thing. You put others first, avoid saying critical or mean things, and try to make others feel happy. Of course, this is all good, right?

Well, maybe

After fourteen years of clinical experience, working with thousands of people from all different cultures, I began to question this assumption. In fact, I saw that clients who were trying the hardest to be nice people also felt the most anxious, guilty, and frustrated. They had difficulty standing up for themselves, felt obligated to please others, and worried about what people thought of them. They couldnt directly ask for what they wanted, freely say no when it was the right thing to do, or openly disagree with others opinions, even though they had strong, well-developed beliefs. In short, they were trapped in a cage of niceness that prevented them from being their real selves.

Thats when I started to realize that there was a problem with nice. That it was different than kindness, compassion, and love. It wasnt necessarily the same thing as being a good person. In fact, I started to question if being less nice actually allowed us to be more kind, generous, and loving people.

This idea was so opposed to what I grew up believing that, at first, I couldnt buy it. I thought it was important to put others first and prided myself on never showing that I was angry. I thought being considerate was a good thing, and the world didnt need more selfish people. But then I started to study nice, first in myself, and then in my clients, and I discovered something fascinating. Being nice does not come out of goodness or high morals. It comes out of a fear of displeasing others and receiving their disapproval. Its driven by fear, not virtue. In fact, I discovered that being nice can make us secretly less loving and more burnt out over time as we stray further and further from our authentic selves.

You may have noticed this pattern as well. In fact, if youre picking up a book called Not Nice, then you must recognize that there is some flaw in our cultural assumption that nice is good, and more nice is better. Perhaps inside you too are feeling stressed out, overwhelmed, anxious, irritated, or guilty much of the time. Maybe being nice is blocking you from standing up for yourself, being honest with others, creating deeper relationships, or boldly expressing yourself in the world.