Wright - 101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged

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Y EARS AGO THERE WAS A VERY POPULAR love song, Getting to Know You, Getting to Know All About You. Well, thats probably the best advice to follow if youre thinking of engagement.

This is not a book about marriage or how to prepare for getting married. Its more basic than that. Its designed to help you answer the question, Is this the one I want to even consider as a marriage partner? Is this the person I want to be engaged to as the next step to marrying them?

During my years of counseling, Ive heard so many people say, The person I married was not the same one I honeymooned with. Its as though they changed overnight. What happened?

The answer is simple. They married a stranger. There was either courtship deception, or navet or not enough questions were asked. Thus, many marriages falter. Thats why this book was writtento give you some of the questions you need answers to now, not later, in order to make a wise decision.

Lets assume you have sufficient money to purchase a new car. You go to the auto mall where there are 16 dealershipswith cars of all makes, models, colors, vintages, and prices. You pull into the lot, park, and stroll over to this great looking car. Its a previously owned model (which means used). Its been around the block a few times. But you really like the way it looks and smells, and its comfortable inside. There are a number of gadgets, including a GPS.

A salesperson comes up and asks if he can help you. You respond with, You sure can. I want to buy this car.

Great. What would you like to know about it?

Know? Whats there to know? I saw it. I like it. I want itlets draw up the paperwork.

Well, I can do that. Do you have any questions about its warranty, performance, estimated mileage, or the GPS? And since its a recent addition, we havent even put the price on it. Dont you want to know that?

Not really. All I know is I want it. And you dont even have to wrap it up for me!

Would you buy a car in this way? Its doubtful. Its almost ridiculous. If you did, youd be going into it blind. Noof course youd ask questions. Its too big of an investment, and you dont want to make a costly mistake.

However, many people who make the decision to become engaged do the very same thing. They dont ask enough questions. They like what they see and thats all that counts. After all, asking questions isnt very romanticand you may not like the answers.

The fact is, though, at some time you will discover the answers to your questions. Asking them before you say, I do, can help you make your decision, save you some unneeded heartache, or confirm the direction youre heading. The greater the amount of information you have, the better youll be able to make a good decision.

I want to help you avoid becoming engaged to a stranger. Yes, its painful to experience the end of a dating relationship. But, its even more painful to break off an engagement. Hopefully these questions will help you say, Yes, I really know this person and feel comfortable in moving ahead, or Im glad I asked these questions now so I dont pursue this. Its time to move on.

One of the principal questions Id like you to consider is, How is your acquaintanceship? Yes, acquaintanceship. Jeffrey Larson, in his excellent book Should We Stay Together? described it this way:

I define ones acquaintanceship as a combination of how well you know your partner (depth of knowledge) and how long youve known your partner (breadth of experiences) before marriage. The relationship between acquaintanceship and later marital satisfaction is simple: The longer and better you know someone before marriage, the greater the likelihood of marital satisfaction. This is because the longer you become acquainted with someone before marriageusuallythe better you know them, understand them, and understand your couple strengths and weaknesses.

Most of the following questions and thoughts, however, have come from those who discovered their answers after they were married. They were shocked, dismayed, and felt deceived. Many of the questions are direct and blunt. You may think, I couldnt ask that! You may be hesitant, but why? You may think youre going to offend your partner, or you may be thinking These seem so unromanticor you may not want to hear their answer (ignorance is not bliss)or you may be worrying, What if they ask me the same questions? Well, your partner should ask you the same questions.

You can ask them and discover the answers now, or not ask them and discover the answers later. Its your choice. Its better for you to be in charge of when you find out because, as I said earlier, you will.

In this introduction, you will find suggestions and guidelines from a number of people. As you read them, they may sound like warnings. They are. Theres no other way to say it. They are cautionary guidelines. Perhaps that sounds better. These resources are gathered from my many years of relationship counseling.

A friend of mine has a particularly powerful statement about his experience with dating. Ive shared it at many conferences, and people find it incredibly insightful. Ive asked him to share a few highlights. I believe the following can be very helpful to anyone dating.