Recorded Books Inc. - Safe people: how to find relationships that are good for you and avoid those that arent

SAFE
PEOPLE

Resources by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Books

Boundaries (and workbook)

Boundaries in Dating (and workbook)

Boundaries in Marriage (and workbook)

Boundaries with Kids (and workbook)

Boundaries with Teens (Townsend)

Changes That Heal (and workbook) (Cloud)

Hiding from Love (Townsend)

How People Grow (and workbook)

How to Have That Difficult Conversation Youve Been Avoiding

Making Small Groups Work

The Mom Factor (and workbook)

Raising Great Kids

Raising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of Preschoolers

Raising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of School-Age Children

Raising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of Teenagers

Safe People (and workbook)

12 Christian Beliefs That Can Drive You Crazy

Video Curriculum

Boundaries

Boundaries in Dating

Boundaries in Marriage

Boundaries with Kids

Raising Great Kids for Parents of Preschoolers

ReGroup (with Bill Donahue)

Audio

Boundaries

Boundaries in Dating

Boundaries in Marriage

Boundaries with Kids

Boundaries with Teens (Townsend)

Changes That Heal (Cloud)

How People Grow

How to Have That Difficult Conversation Youve Been Avoiding

Making Small Groups Work

The Mom Factor

Raising Great Kids

How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You

SAFE
PEOPLE

and Avoid Those That Arent

DR. HENRY CLOUD
DR. JOHN TOWNSEND

From Henry:
To Tori and my friends

From John:
To Barbi, my safest person

ZONDERVAN

Safe People

Copyright 1995 by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of Zondervan.

ePub Edition January 2009 ISBN: 978-0-310-29814-4

This title is also available as a Zondervan audio product.

Visit www.zondervan.com/audiopages for more information.

Requests for information should be addressed to:

Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Cloud, Henry

Safe people: how to find relationships that are good for you and avoid those that arent /

Henry Cloud and John Townsend

p. cm.

ISBN-13: 978-0-310-21084-9

1. Interpersonal relationsReligious aspectsChristianity 2. Christian Life I Townsend, John

Sims, 1952-. II. Title.

BV4597.52.C56 -1995
248.4dc 20

95-7658

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible: New InternationalVersion. NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any otherexcept for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.

Published in association with Yates & Yates, LLP, Attorneys and Counselors, Suite 1000, Literary Agent, Orange, CA.

CONTENTS

PART ONE
Unsafe People

PART TWO
Do I Attract Unsafe People?

PART THREE
Safe People

WE WOULD LIKE to thank the following people:

the attendees of Monday Night Solutions in Irvine, California, who reacted to the early stages of the material in this book;

our partner, Bob Whiton, for his integrity and diligence;
our friend, Steve Tucker, for his heart for Jesus;
our agent, Sealy Yates, for his direction and support;
our editor, Sandy Vander Zicht, for her perseverance in the writing process.

HAVE YOU EVER said any of the following things to yourself?

• How can I learn to pick better friends?
• Why do I choose people who let me down?
• How did I end up with this critical boss?
• How do I attract irresponsible people?
• Why did I invest money with that unscrupulous person?
• What is it about me that draws the wrong types to me?
• Why am I drawn to the wrong types?

If you have, then this book was written for you. It deals with the problem of character discernment, a skill that many of us lack. And yet the ability to determine good character in people is one of Gods most vital ingredients for our personal and spiritual growth.

What is character discernment? It is simply being able to tell the sheep from the goats in your life, evaluating who is good for you, and who isnt. And those who are good for us we call safe people, those individuals who truly make us better people by their presence in our lives.

Safe people are individuals who draw us closer to being the people God intended us to be. Though not perfect, they are good enough in their own character that the net effect of their presence in our lives is positive. They are accepting, honest, and present, and they help us bear good fruit in our lives.

As therapists, we have observed over the years one simple yet profound fact: We need each other. God designed us to be his hands and feet, to support, comfort, and encourage each other: For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them (Matt. 18:20).

Many people act on that need and reach out for relationship. They reach out when they are lonely or stressed out. They reach out when they want someone to share their joys and successes. They reach out when they need someone to understand their losses and problems. And they reach out when they need wisdom and guidance.

The problem is, we often pick the wrong people to trust. For many reasons, we will reach out to those who abandon, neglect, damage, or tear us down. Our blindness to who is good for us and who isnt can cause tragedies like depression, compulsive behaviors, marriage conflicts, and work problems. Sadly, your ability to pick out a good car may be better than your ability to pick good friendships.

But there is hope. We believe that the Bible contains the keys to understanding how to tell safe people from unsafe ones. It also teaches how to become safe people for others. In this age of broken relationships, these scriptural principles are both timeless and timely.

A Birds-Eye View

Here is an outline of what this book will teach you about safe people.

In Part 1, Unsafe People, youll learn who unsafe people are and the twenty identifying traits of unsafe people (chapters 14).

In Part 2, Do I Attract Unsafe People? youll get a picture of the origin of the problem: why you currently choose the wrong people, and how to repair this problem (chapters 58).

In Part 3, Safe People, you will learn more about what safe people are and why you need them. You will also receive practical help on successfully meeting and relating to safe people.