Sparks - A Good Ending

A Compassionate Guide to Funerals, Pastoral Care, and Life Celebrations

David Sparks

A Good Ending

A Compassionate Guide to Funerals, Pastoral Care, and Life Celebrations

David Sparks

Copyright 2014 The United Church of Canada, Lglise Unie du Canada

Worship material, meditations, and checklists in this book that are not copyrighted by another source may be copied for use at funerals, memorials, and celebrations of life. Material copyrighted to another source may be read, but not copied (with exceptions as indicated). Apart from these elements, all rights reserved, and no part of this book may be photocopied, reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, or otherwise, without the written permission of The United Church of Canada.

All biblical quotations, unless otherwise noted, are from the New Revised Standard Version Bible, copyright 1989 National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Care has been taken to trace ownership of copyright material contained in this text. The publisher will gratefully accept any information that will enable it to rectify any reference or credit in subsequent printings.

Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

Sparks, David, 1938-, author

A good ending : a compassionate guide to funerals, pastoral care, and life celebrations / David Sparks.

Issued in print and electronic formats.

ISBN 978-1-55134-216-0 (pbk.).--ISBN 978-1-55134-217-7 (pdf)

1. Church work with the bereaved. 2. Church work with the terminally ill. 3. Bereavement--Religious aspects. 4. Death--Religious aspects. 5. Funeral service. 6. Memorial service. I. Title.

BV4330.S58 2014 259'.6 C2014-901630-1

C2014-901631-X

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Dedication

This book is dedicated to Patricia Gilmore who gave me the idea and who, over several years, reminded me of the need.

The purpose of human life is to serve, and to show compassion and the will to help others.

Albert Schweitzer ( 18751965)

Contents

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FOREWORD

Good Advice

A great piece of advice can be like a great book, growing in value and importance the more you use it. I received lots of wonderful advice (and books) during seminary that unfortunately stayed packed in boxes and shelves; I did not realize how valuable they were until I needed them. One such piece of advice was Be careful, dont drop the baby (during baptisms). I shelved this gem for years between absurd and redundant, until along came a nine-month-old baby in a satin christening outfit! Another gem that I mistakenly filed, this time between obvious and duh, was Whatever you do, do not mess up a funeral!

As worship leaders we all know the importance of ritual. And as pastoral care providers we know the emotional significance of a well-crafted funeral or celebration of life service. We know that leading a memorial service is a privileged, sacred trust that is never to be taken lightly. Obviously, no one would purposely mess up a funeral. I think what the person was really trying to say was Be your best always, but do your best to be your best at a funeral.

During a funeral or celebration of life service, we worship leaders have the potential to be of either great help or great harm to the people who are saying their goodbyes. We are at our best during funerals, and we do our best (using all of our skills and training) to create spaces where good endings are possible. However, every so often we need a little help to do our best, because funerals are hard work.

Funerals are hard work because for many of us, the congregation does not change (much) between funerals, making it increasingly difficult to find fitting words to honour the deceased that have not been used before. It is hard work because often we are grieving with the people whom we are attempting to comfort. It is hard work because sometimes between council meetings, pastoral visits, weddings, and sermon preparation, there is simply no time. And sometimes we are thrown into situations (suicides, murders, tragic accidents) that are hard to imagine and seemingly impossible to prepare for. At all such times, pull out this book! David can help you work toward a very good ending.

A Good Ending is filled with useful advice from a variety of different people, sound instruction, and powerful liturgies that walk the worship leader through everything needed for them to do their best at a funeral or celebration of life service (from caring for the dying and meeting with the family before the death through to follow-up after the service). When you do not know where to start, but want to do your best, this book will help you get there.

I wish I had had this book on my desk 10 years ago. Davids pastoral skill is evident in his writing and liturgy; reading this book feels like consulting with a trusted friend or mentor. For people starting out in worship leadership, A Good Ending will help to alleviate any anxieties they might have about leading a service. For seasoned worship leaders, this book will act like a refresher course, offering new ideas, new perspectives, and new liturgies.

Dearest worship leaders, pull out your tabs and sticky notes, and trust me, do not file this book away! You will want it close by for quick reference. This book, like good advice, is an invaluable gift. Thank you, David.

Alydia Smith

Program Coordinator, Worship, Music, and Spirituality

The United Church of Canada

PREFACE

This Is Not about What You Must Do

In this book I deliberately paint a broad canvas. The areas covered range from a theological basis of bereavement through a consideration of secular celebrations, to pastoral care and onward through services and their component parts, to meditations. I make no claims of covering the whole territory. If you want a complete treatise on pastoral care for before and after bereavement, there are books that cover this aspect. If you want to find out in detail about childhood grief, there are books and articles out there. If you want to obtain a comprehensive set of liturgies for funerals and celebrations of life, you can do it. And if you want to specialize in secular celebrations, there are excellent handbooks for this area alone.