Leslie Vernick - How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong

Advance Praise for
How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong

Leslie has hit the nail on the head. She masterfully weaves together Gods purpose for marriage and gently encourages us to become all God calls us to within the joys and hardships of that relationship. We applaud Leslies stand in a world of quick fixes and dissolving marriages. She reminds us that marriage isnt about finding the right person but becoming the right person.

F RED AND F LORENCE L ITTAUER ,
Christian Leaders, Authors & Speakers Services, Inc.

A fresh and practical approach to seemingly insurmountable problems! Leslie does not offer easy answers for couples in crisisshe offers Christ and assurance that, indeed, He is enough.

B ECKY F REEMAN , author of Chocolate Chili Pepper Love and Marriage 911

H OW TO A CT R IGHT W HEN Y OUR S POUSE A CTS W RONG
P UBLISHED BY W ATER B ROOK P RESS
2375 Telstar Drive, Suite 160
Colorado Springs, Colorado 80920
A division of Random House, Inc.

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version. NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked (MSG) are taken from The Message. Copyright by Eugene H. Peterson 1993, 1994, 1995. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. Any italics in Scripture quotes are the authors.

Some of the stories in this book are composites of several different situations; details and names have been changed to protect identities.

Copyright 2001 by Leslie Vernick

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

W ATER B ROOK and its deer design logo are registered trademarks of WaterBrook Press, a division of Random House, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Vernick, Leslie.
How to act right when your spouse acts wrong / Leslie Vernick. 1st ed.
p. cm.
eISBN: 978-0-307-56510-5
1. SpousesReligious life. 2. MarriageReligious aspectsChristianity. I. Title.

BV4596.M3 V47 2001
248.844dc21

2001026280

v3.1_r1

To Howard,
who acts right when I act wrongmost of the time

Nearly half of todays marriages will end in divorce. But that statistic doesnt do justice to the true number of couples suffering the heartbreak of love gone bad. For all the people in the throes of separation and divorce, there are millions more married individuals who are living in their own private worlds of pain. Their hearts cry out, All Ive ever wanted is for someone to love me.

Some of the most painful situations occur when one spouse desperately wants to fix what is broken, but the other is stuck in a pattern of destructive behavior and apparently has no intention of changing. This creates a painful dilemma for the spouse who wants to do the right thing and remain committed to God and his or her marriage vows.

The answers and guidance we give these individuals has often been woefully inadequate. Are the only alternatives to leave the marriage or to accept the situation and withdraw into painful isolation? No. In this book Leslie Vernick tackles this delicate and challenging dilemma with wisdom and compassion. She offers practical advice, profound truth, and hope-filled alternatives for those in seemingly hopeless situations. Change begins with us as we search our own hearts before God and seek to be defined by love.

This book will help restore a sense of power to those who feel powerless. Leslie helps us walk through life proactively, not reactively. We do have the power to make choices, the power to grow, to forgive, to love, and to do the right thingeven if our partner continues to do the wrong thing.

D R . T IM C LINTON
President, American Association of Christian Counselors

This book could not have been written without the many people who have allowed me to walk by their side during some of the most difficult times of their lives. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the privilege of being a part of your healing process. Whenever I used an example from my counseling practice, identifying information and details have been altered so that your confidentiality will be protected. In some cases I have blended various stories because they were so similar. I trust you will be encouraged that the pain youve experienced might be used in some way to help others.

If you are struggling because your spouse is acting wrong or not acting as youd like, my prayer is that by reading this book, you will begin to see that God is at work, even if your spouse doesnt change. There are great blessings for you and your children if you will learn what God is teaching you through these tough times. I have been witness again and again to the life-changing power of Gods Word to bring hope and healing, and my desire is that you, too, will find renewal and strength to stay the course of becoming more like Jesus.

Many thanks go out to my dear friends and colleagues who prayed, supported, and sharpened me while writing this book. To Georgia Shaffer, Glenna Dameron, John Bettler, and my pastor, Howard LawlerI appreciate the time you took to comb through the first draft of my manuscript and lend your valuable insights and comments. Theresa Cain, a kindred spirit and true friend, thank you for your love and your labor of prayer for the birthing of this book. Dave and Barb Schindler, thanks for generously providing the absolute best place to writeyour oceanfront beach house. Bless you.

Writing a book also takes its toll on the family. I am so grateful for my husband, Howard, and our children, Ryan and Amanda, who support and encourage the gifts God has given me and want me to use them to the fullest. Thank you for being sensitive and patient, willing to help fill in the gaps on the home front when necessary.

To WaterBrook Press and especially Erin Healy, my editor and friend, thanks for believing in this project and in my ability to bring it to pass. Without a doubt your encouragement and affirmation have enlarged me.

Last, but certainly not least, God, every day you amaze me. Thank you for the privilege of knowing and serving you.

This book is important for every married personor those who are about to be married. All of us at one time or another face the dilemma of choosing to act right when our spouse acts wrong.

Whenever our spouse disappoints us, fails us, hurts us, or just plain irritates us, whether in big ways or little ways, from our perspective he or she is wrong.

Sin is in all of us (Romans 3:23). Attitudes and behaviors that come out of a self-centered, selfish, prideful, deceived, and/or rebellious heart often express themselves in big, bad ways such as infidelity, lying, addictions, or abuse. The same sinful heart can also produce more benign but chronically irritating behaviors such as nagging and criticism, forgetting important occasions, failing to put dirty laundry in the hamper, not listening well, or staying glued to the television when our spouse is attempting to have a conversation with us. It can be just as difficult and discouraging to believe God and live by faith with a spouse who sins in subtle, less blatant ways as it can when a spouse commits the more grievous wrongs.