Gary Chapman - Love as a Way of Life: Seven Keys to Transforming Every Aspect of Your Life

Contents

CHAPTER TWO Kindness
Discovering the Joy of Helping Others

CHAPTER THREE Patience
Accepting the Imperfections of Others

CHAPTER FOUR Forgiveness
Finding Freedom from the Grip of Anger

CHAPTER FIVE Courtesy
Treating Others as Friends

CHAPTER SIX Humility
Stepping Down So Someone Else Can Step Up

CHAPTER SEVEN Generosity
Giving Yourself to Others

CHAPTER EIGHT Honesty
Revealing Who You Really Are

To Davy Grace and Elliott Isaac and the
children of their generation, with the prayer
that they may succeed in creating a world
in which love will be a way of life.

Acknowledgments

This book would not have been written without the scores of individuals who have modeled love for me as a way of life. My first taste of love came from my parents, Sam and Grace. While Dad is deceased, Im still trying to return to Mom some of the love that she gave to me. Karolyn, my wife for more than four decades, has been my most intimate source of love. She speaks my love languages and does so without prodding. My two grown children, Shelley and Derek, bring me great joy as I see their lifestyle of love. Nothing could be more satisfying to a parent.

I am indebted to Jim Bell, who not only shared the idea for this book but also persistently encouraged me at each turn of the road. Tricia Kube has been my administrative assistant for twenty-six years. She not only computerized the manuscript but, as always, handled office details so that I could give attention to writing. Kay Tatum was of immense help in technical support.

In the process of writing, Elisa Fryling Stanford shared her editorial and writing skills to bring cohesiveness to the manuscript. Trace Murphy and the editorial team at Doubleday did an exceptional job in molding the finished product.

I must also thank the scores of individuals who have shared their observations of love along the road of life. In my seminars and on the Internet, I have solicited stories from people who have caught others expressing love as a way of life. After all, it is real life examples that touch the heart and motivate us to aspire to love. Without their help, this book would have been lifeless. I hope that they will be rewarded when they see their stories encouraging others to pursue love as a way of life.

Introduction

My daughter, Shelley, and I boarded the plane in Phoenix feeling fortunate that we had been bumped to first class. I was assigned 4A, however, and she was seated in 7A, both window seats. All twenty-eight seats in first class were full, so we were hoping that someone would be willing to change seats so that we could be together for the four-hour flight.

Shelley said to the man seated in the aisle seat beside 7A, Would you be willing to change seats so that I can sit with my father?

Is it an aisle seat? the man asked.

No, its a window seat.

Cant do that, he said. Dont like crawling over people to get out.

I can understand that, Shelley responded as she took her seat.

A bit later the man who had been assigned the aisle seat beside me arrived. I said, Would you be interested in sitting in Seven A so that my daughter and I could sit together?

He glanced back at 7A and said, Id be happy to.

I really appreciate that, I said.

Not a problem, he replied with a smile as he picked up his paper and moved to 7A.

Later I reflected on that incident. What accounted for the two different responses? The men were about the same age; late fifties or early sixties was my guess. Both were dressed in business attire. Yet one held to his aisle seat with tenacity, while the other freely gave up the aisle to accommodate our desire.

Could it be that one man had a daughter and the other did not? Could it be that the man who freely gave up the aisle seat really preferred a window seat? Or was it just that they had gone to different kindergartens and had different mothers? Had one been taught to share and help people, while the other to look out for number one? Did one have a loving gene that the other did not get?

For decades I have observed similar events, both large and small, and have asked myself, What makes the difference between lovers and those people who seldom show an attitude of concern and care for others? What are the characteristics of loving people? How were these character traits developed?

In the past year, trying to answer these questions, I have traveled the country observing behavior, interviewing people, reading available research, and examining religious teachings and practices. I have also drawn upon my thirty-five years of experience as a marriage and family counselor.

In the course of this study of love, Ive named what I believe are the seven characteristics of a loving person:

Kindness

Patience

Forgiveness

Courtesy

Humility

Generosity

Honesty

These seven traits are not vague feelings or good intentions. They are habits we learn to practice when we decide to become authentically loving people. They are basic, practical traits that are doable in everyday life. Yet the result of making these traits a habit is remarkable: satisfaction in relationships.

Love is multifaceted. It is like a diamond with many surfaces yet one display of beauty. In a similar way, when put together, the seven key characteristics of love form a loving person. Each trait is critical. If you are missing one in your relationships, you are missing something significant.

I believe these traits are the keys not only to successful relationships but to success in all of life. Thats because the only way to find true satisfaction in life is to love others well.

How to Use This Book

In Love as a Way of Life you will find many stories from people across the country who have discovered, or are trying to discover, the joys of living out the seven traits of a loving person. You will also find practical ideas on how to develop these characteristics in your own life. Let me suggest that you not rush through the book but instead take the time to explore each facet of love in every type of relationship in your life. With that in mind, please note that each chapter in Part Two includes the following elements:

Questionnaire. This simple self-test will challenge you to think through how one of the seven loving traits is shown in your life. I encourage you to take this test before you read the chapter in order to alert your mind to your strengths and weaknesses in relationships as you read about the character trait.

A new definition. Early in each chapter I provide my definition of what a certain character trait looks like in the context of authentic love.

Habits to acquire. Because each of the seven traits of a loving person is a habit, acting them out in daily life is built on smaller habits. The boxes throughout a chapter give you ideas about how to make the concept of loving authentically a reality in your life.

Competitors. We wouldnt need any book on love if we didnt have emotions, personal weaknesses, and circumstances to overcome in our relationships. Each of the seven character traits has many competitors, or enemies, but usually one competitor stands out. In this section of each chapter, Ill briefly look at one thing that might be working against developing a particular character trait in daily life. When we are alert to the competitors to love, we are better able to overcome them.