NBC Universal - How to Be More Shrek: An Ogres Guide to Life

Setting Boundaries

he first step toward living a truly enchanted life is claiming a space of your very own. It may be a swamp, but its your swamp. And no matter how much a smooth-talking new acquaintance *1 tempts you to be roomies with enticing promises of waffles in the morning, an inch can quickly become a mile if youre not careful. Dash expectations about catering to the whims of unexpected guests *2 as quickly as you can. Let those villagers know exactly where you stand by setting clear rules up front, lest you may be cursed with a good deal of awkwardness later.

*1 LOOKIN' AT YOU, DONKEY!

*2 THE WORD IS: TRESPASSERS

Its So Good to Be Home

Theres just me and my swamp.

A castle to call your own is the epitome of living on your own terms. Begin by making a selection that works for younot your friends and certainly not a gaggle of fairy-tale creatures. Before settling, define your must-haves and deal-breakers. Are you the outdoorsy type? A woodsy setting might be on your list. Not the neighborly kind? An off-the-grid domicile is worth considering. Whatever makes you feel at home. This is where you will rest your head each evening and where some of your fondest memories will be made. Make it uniquely yours with minimalist, rustic dcor or an airy, exterior lavatory * . Its all up to you!

* TRUST ME, YOU DON'T WANT WHAT HAPPENS THERE LINGERIN' INSIDE YER FORTRESS

Alone Doesnt Mean Lonely

Wishing to live on your own does not mean you are lonely. Quite the contrary, it means complete freedom to live by your rules! Imagine enjoying your favorite woodland delicacies always prepared just the way you like them; releasing exquisite, all-the-way-up-from-your-toes belches; and plunging for ear wax *1 without any guff or criticism. Maybe you like to unwind with an eyeball martini in the middle of the afternoon. There are myriad benefits to living on your own. The grandest may be that, alone in your abode, no one can hear you fart ... So, go ahead, let em rip *2 and savor those sweet moments of me time in your singular sanctuary while you can.

*1 MAKES A LOVELY CANDLE

*2 DON'T MIND IF I DO

Stay Far, Far Away

This is the part where you run away.

If maintaining privacy or personal space becomes an issue, you can take measures to rectify the situation. Surrounding your cottage with forested acreage works wonders if you can manage it. In the unlikely event that someone does stumble upon your hideaway, a posted sign can be helpful, especially one with easy-to-follow instructions, such as KEEP OUT! * Still, banished villagers and those who simply dont grasp this concept may not readily vacate the premises on their own. Such a circumstance may require that you make it your personal quest to confront the root cause of the issue.

* WHILE YER AT IT, STAY OUT!

Stand Up for Yourself

If your profoundly clear pronouncements and expectations are soaring over the heads of those you are attempting to communicate with, try introducing more expressive charms. You might endeavor to get kingdom dwellers undivided attention with a deep, fully exhaled roar. Wildly waving your arms while baring a toothy expression * can also help get your point across. Keep these in mind when, say, your best friend isnt hearing your repeated requests to hush up. Or that overbearing authority figure infringes on your territory. Or your spouse has turned a deaf ear to your routine frustrations. It may be time to stop telling and start showing that you mean businessand that you shall not cease until you are properly understood.

* QUITE EFFECTIVE WITH LEFTOVER SLUG BITS

Never Let Your Guard Down

Now that you have defined and have gone to great lengths to fortify your very own dream fortress, you may still find that, at times, the grass looks greener on the other side of the mud pit. Before you go wishing for something that seems shinier or appears more appealing, take stock of what truly matters to you, what youve built, and what you have to protect. For one day, a sharply dressed, cantankerous, power-hungry con artist may approach you, spinning a tapestry full of promises that may sound a bit too good to be true. Before you jump in, take a moment to weigh whats at stake. A minor inconvenience? Your sanctuary? Your life ?! Then ask yourself what you are willing to sacrifice in order to fulfill said wish. Do not succumb to fancy parlance or pushy pitches. Be ever watchful of snake-oil peddlers * . And never let someone bewitch you into signing anything unless youve read the teeniest, tiniest print. If the reward is not truly worthy of you (and the hard-earned resources youve exhausted to create your special citadel/stronghold), run, dont walk. For sometimes you dont get a do-over.

* AH, SOUNDS LIKE ANOTHER MINIATURE BEAST OF BURDEN I KNOW

Being Unabashedly Yourself

hroughout your life, you will encounter all kinds of folkstough cookies, wicked witches, cool cats, murderous usurperswho will all want to get in on your story. Then there are folks who couldnt care less about anyone elses business. And they dont care what anyone thinks * of themnot even a king or a queen. Its not rudein fact, some would say it is actually quite noble. For these grounded individuals are simply focused on being naturally and unapologetically themselves. So, the question you must now ask yourself is this: Which type of folk do you want to be?