Susan Pease Gadoua - Stronger Day by Day: Reflections for Healing and Rebuilding After Divorce

Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW, is founder and executive director of the Transition Institute of Marin in the greater San Francisco Bay Area, an agency that provides coaching, therapy, and workshops to people who are at some stage of marital dissolution. She also works with couples and adolescents. Gadouas first book, Contemplating Divorce, appeared on the San Francisco Chronicle bestseller list.

Without intending to, I read Stronger Day by Day in one sitting. Turning the pages, I felt that a warm and wise mentor was gently and skillfully shining a light through what often is a dark and troubling time. I recommend this book.

Frederic Luskin, Ph.D., director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project and author of Forgive for Good

Unquestionably, divorce is an emotional journey. Stronger Day by Day is an insightful book that gives comfort and help to those going through the process. It not only normalizes the emotions that often accompany the divorce experience, it provides meaningful positive affirmations. Perhaps most importantly, it includes helpful exercises that empower the reader. I will share this book with my clients, who will find it invaluable. I will also share it with colleagues to reinforce why we continue to work to ensure the availability of divorces that take into account the emotional and financial needs of families.

Sherri Goren Slovin, JD, president of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals.

Susan Pease Gadoua is brilliant! Every now and then I come across a practitioner who really knows her stufffirst, because she has the credentials, but more importantly, because shes been there, done that! I highly recommend Stronger Day by Day to anyone trying to pick up the pieces after divorce. This book does an excellent job of normalizing the vast array of emotions that one feels during divorce, and the author writes in a way that lets you know she truly understands. It also calls on the reader to act esteemably, whereby everyone benefits.

Francine D. Ward, speaker and author of Esteemable Acts

Publishers Note

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

Copyright 2010 by Susan Pease Gadoua

New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

5674 Shattuck Avenue

Oakland, CA 94609

www.newharbinger.com

Cover design by Amy Shoup; Text design by Amy Shoup and Michele Waters-Kermes; Acquired by Melissa Kirk; Edited by Kayla Sussell

All Rights Reserved.

Epub ISBN: 9781608820962

The Library of Congress has Cataloged the Print Edition as:

Gadoua, Susan Pease.

Stronger day by day : reflections for healing and rebuilding after divorce / Susan Pease Gadoua.

p. cm.

1. Divorce. 2. Divorce--Psychological aspects. I. Title.

HQ814.G333 2010

155.93--dc22

2010011985

I want to acknowledge all those who have had the courage to get through the divorce process while also maintaining a sense of maturity and integrity. Divorce truly is one of the most challenging and far-reaching transitions anyone will have to make. This book is dedicated to you.

Acknowledgments

My greatest thanks go to my husband, Michael, for his love and support during the writing of this book and always.

Id like to thank my friend and editor, Leslie Keenan, for once again being there in every way I needed her to be.

Thanks to Melissa Kirk and all the people at New Harbinger who entrusted me to write another divorce-related book. And to Kayla Sussell for her valuable feedback and edits.

Introduction

The first few years during and after any major loss are typically when the deepest grieving occurs. Divorce, perhaps the greatest loss a person will ever experience besides the death of a loved one, has its own unique set of grief triggers. This is primarily due to the fact that the person from whom you are parting does not go away completely.

In many cases, you will still interact with your spouse in significant ways, such as coparenting, dealing with extended family and house and home issues, and dealing with financial ties you may maintain. Moreover, as if that isnt enough, you may also have to deal with the painful feelings that arise when one of you finds a new partner.

This book is designed to provide you with frequent thoughts of hope, strength, and inspiration to move through the grieving process better, faster, and stronger than you might without this support.

It is written for the person who wants to get through the divorce process with integrity and self-esteem. Divorce does not have to tear people to shreds or wreak emotional havoc. Divorce with dignity is available to anyone willing to do the hard work needed to act from a higher, more mature place (which is within everyone) rather than from a lower, less mature place (also within everyone). To do this, you will need the skillsfound in this bookthat will help to normalize the process emotionally and mentally and create calm.

This book is a series of reflections. Each short chapter begins with a quote. Then follows the reflection itselfan elaboration or explanation of the quote intended to make it easier for you to apply the words to your own life. And, at the end of each section, there is an affirmation, written in the first person, to reinforce positive and empowering thoughts and beliefs. There is also an exercisefor example, a journaling exercise, a meditation, or both.

These exercises are designed to be completed following the reading, but you can omit them if you choose to, or you can skip the reading and just do the exercise or meditation.

The focus of each reading is purposely on you and you alone and doesnt address the needs of those around you. Some of the sections may apply to other people in your life, but it is important in your divorce recovery process to keep the focus of this major life transition on yourself.

This book is written for divorcing people at any stage of the process. It is for that reason that I purposely use the word spouse. In places, I tried using ex-spouse or soon-to-be-ex-spouse but, along with being cumbersome, these usages assumed the reader to be further on than I thought appropriate. Feel free to substitute your spouses name or whatever other word works for you. I chose to keep it simple.

You may want to read this book in the order it was written, flip through the pages randomly and land on any page, or consult the table of contents to look up a particular topic.

If there is a topic that has a specific meaning for you, I encourage you to repeat the affirmation throughout the day, meditate on it, and perhaps do some journal writing on it. There are places throughout the book that ask you to do some further reflection, but you can do this at any point, on any topic, anytime youd like. If you have a therapist or you attend a divorce support group, you may even want to bring the topic up for further discussion with that person.

No matter where you are in your marital dissolution processat the very beginning or three years postdivorceI promise you, you will get through it; your divorce will become a distant memory and you will go on with the next chapter of your life. This book will help you get there.