Bonnie Kaye - ManReaders: a womans guide to dysfunctional men

Table of Contents

ManReaders

A Womans Guide

to Dysfunctional Men

by

Bonnie Kaye, M.Ed.

CCB Publishing

British Columbia, Canada

ManReaders: A Womans Guide to Dysfunctional Men

Copyright 2012 by Bonnie Kaye, M.Ed.

ISBN-13: 978-1-927360-71-2

Second Edition

Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

Kaye, Bonnie, 1951-

ManReaders [electronic resource] : a womans guide to dysfunctional men / by Bonnie Kaye. 2nd ed.

Electronic monograph in PDF format.

ISBN 978-1-927360-71-2

Also available in print format.

1. Mate selection.

2. Man-woman relationships. I. Title.

HQ801.K395 2012 646.7'7 C2012-904060-6

Cover artwork by: Robert Lesser

Extreme care has been taken to ensure that all information presented in this book is accurate and up to date at the time of publishing. Neither the author nor the publisher can be held responsible for any errors or omissions. Additionally, neither is any liability assumed for damages resulting from the use of the information contained herein.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without the express written permission of the publisher.

Publisher:

CCB Publishing

British Columbia, Canada

www.ccbpublishing.com

This book is dedicated to:

My Mother who inspired me to take chances and be my best,

My Soulmate who has taught me how to build my self-esteem to new heights,

And to the many millions of women throughout the world who suffer from Low Self-Esteem.

Other books by Bonnie Kaye

The Gay Husband Checklist for Women Who Wonder

Over the Cliff: Gay Husbands in Straight Marriages

Doomed Grooms: Gay Husbands of Straight Wives

Straight Wives: Shattered Lives (Volume 1)

Straight Wives: Shattered Lives (Volume 2)

Bonnie Kayes Straight Talk

How I Made My Husband Gay: Myths About Straight Wives

and

La Lista de Control para Esposos Gay Y Para Mujeres Que se Preguntan

Spanish edition of

The Gay Husband Checklist for Women Who Wonder

Introduction

I have been practicing relationship counseling since 1984. I have worked with more than 76,000 women who wasted too many of their best years on men who were unworthy of their love and affection. Sadly, this is not an isolated situation. In fact, it is more common to find unfulfilled relationships even in our society where women have choices to end them as opposed to cultures that do not allow a marriage to end.

When a woman finds herself in this dilemma, the most common question that people ask her is, Didnt you know what he was like before you were involved/living/married to him? I believe that in almost all cases, women did NOT know what was lurking inside of the hearts or heads of the men they trusted with their lives, happiness, and futures. This is because women, by nature, are far more trusting and believing than men. That is a fact.

Women who are giving, caring, and nurturing often end up with guys who are jerks. Unfortunately, this is human nature. These qualities attract men who are takers - in addition to men who are outright predators. Men like these drain every ounce of emotion out of you, leaving you susceptible to becoming a dishrag which I define as a woman who has lost her sense of self because her life revolves around taking care of the needs of her man. Whatever it takes to make her man happy, she does. And you know what? No matter how much she devotes her life to making her man happy, it just doesnt happen. He is always complaining, criticizing, and finding fault with her.

Most of the women that I have worked with live in a constant state of gray. There is always a dark cloud hovering over them. The sun isnt shining on any given day because there is constant sense of gloom overhead. And yet they stay in unfulfilling relationships where they "exist" instead of live.

I understand why women stay in debilitating or emotionally destructive relationships. Not only have I worked with thousands of them through the years but I also have lived through this experience during numerous points of my own life. However, it is not my intention to focus on the psychological aspects of why women find and stay in bad relationships. Rather, this is a book to help educate women on what could be contributing to their unhappiness in their marriages/relationships or what to look for before making the next mistake in a future one. It will also hopefully help you to build up the strength to walk away before being dragged down one more time. Although we all say, This will never happen again, it does - and sometimes over and over again - IF YOU ALLOW IT TO because you havent really learned from your past mistakes in order not to repeat them.

All relationships with a man have a major impact on a womans life. Once you are together, much of what happens in your future depends on how he treats you. In order to have the best chance at success in the future, you need to find a man who is emotionally, mentally, and sexually healthy. You also have to make sure that you both have common value systems when it comes to love, passion, intimacy, mutual respect, and sexual compatibility. If this sounds like a lot, well, it is. But its the least you need to make a relationship work in a happy and fulfilling way. Unhealthymen in any of these areas will never allow you to grow and thrive as a woman.

No relationship is perfect all of the time. There are always bumps along the road because that is human nature. But if you have the basic ingredients for a good relationship, those bumps will be nothing more than that - bumps - as opposed to quicksand or a mudslide where you are sucked in and destroyed.

Although this may seem like common sense, why do so many women still make poor choices when entering relationships? What are they missing when they are getting to know a man? What questions arent they asking up front, and what answers arent they listening to? Why do they ignore the red flags in the beginning only to be devastated down the road?

This book will give you the information for making better decisions for your future choices. I will focus on giving you the information that will show you when to STOP before you BEGIN to spiral downwards unable to catch yourself until you crash into a cement wall.

It is also my hope that if you are in an unrewarding relationship, you will find the courage, support, and help you need to gather the strength to leave it. Life is much too short to have to waste time being unhappy. Start by repeating my personal mantra daily:

Life was never meant to be this complicated. Period!

Chapter 1

Why Do Good Women Make Bad Choices?

I have spent my entire lifetime fighting the chronic disease of Low Self Esteem(LSE), a common disorder shared by many millions of women. Although I have spent years studying this topic, I still havent concluded how so many of us become part of this large majority. Is it nature or nurture? Is it inherent within, or do you develop it depending on your surroundings and circumstances? This subject fascinates me because there are so many variables and possibilities beside the obvious ones.

I have suffered with LSE since childhood. I cannot exactly pinpoint when it started. I had a mother who was extremely beautiful, but I resembled my fathers side of the family - the rounded, overweight side. My parents praised me and gave me lots of positive reinforcement when I was young, but that changed as I grew into the awkward adolescent period and became an overweight pre-teenager. I was not overly obese at ten years old, but I was overweight enough to have to shop in the chubby departments as they were called in the 1960s. I remember the frustration of trying on the pretty clothes only to find they were not my size or even close to fitting me.