Bonnie Kaye - Gay Husbands Say the Darndest Things

Introduction

In this country, there are over 4 million women who are or were married to gay men. Throughout the world, there are millions of more women in this situation especially in countries and cultures where homosexuality is discriminated against to the point of death. Even though the numbers are certainly high, each woman who travels this path feels extremely isolated as if she is the only one in this situation.

Why is this so isolating? Namely because no woman is celebrating the fact that the man she married for the rest of her life is out there pursuing other men. This is not a proud event where you send out announcements. It is one that is clothed in secrecy for fear of shame, blame, and accusations of stupidity. The stigma of gay may be changing in the world today, but the stigma of straight wife is way behind in acceptance and is not catching up at all.

When women come to me and tell me that they feel stupid for not knowing that the man they married is gay, I am the first to tell them that it is not a matter of stupid. Its a matter of uneducated. We grew up in a society that taught us that gay means same. It is defined in the dictionary as such. I remember learning as a teenager about homosexuals and how the male ones were attracted to men while the women only wanted other women to be with.

I grew up in the 1960s. In 1968 when I was in my late teens, I moved to California where I had the opportunity to meet numerous gay men who were out (for the most part) and content living a gay life. At the age of 18, I remember developing a giant crush on one, Glen, age 23. He was adorable, personable, and very flamboyant. He had a younger boyfriend, Larry, who was 19, and an older sugar daddy, Roger, who was 45. This was a world totally foreign to me.

When I met Glen, he was the first openly gay man I had ever encountered. I asked myself why would he want to be gay? He probably didnt have a mother who loved him enough, so this is his way of rebelling. Boy, was I stupid. I believed if Glen had a woman to love him, those thoughts for men would go away. I pursued him in hopes of fixing him.

Ironically, he really liked me as a close friend. We actually had unsuccessful sexual encounters on three different occasions. Look, it was the 1960s in California where sex was defined the generation. We became such good friends that Glen even asked me to go with him to Mexico to get married. We both considered it for about three hours, but then we decided not to do it, saving ourselves from getting a divorce. We both knew whatever wonderful feelings we had for each other as friends would quickly dissolve if we tried to play house together. It was a momentary fantasy. He wanted to have the straight dream of a wife and children for a short moment, and I wanted to get married and have someone to love for a lifetime.

I learned from that experience that a gay man and a straight woman could never be happily married. The difference was that Iknew he was a gay man because he was openly gay. There was no hiding; he proudly walked down the street arm in arm with his boyfriend Larry. In 1968 in Southern California, this was not such a unique sight. Even though his sugar daddy Roger was parading in the suit of a respectable straight bachelor accountant, when he was with Glen, it just seemed natural. I didnt have a hard time conceiving Roger was gay although he didnt have the stereotypical effeminate behaviors that Glen and Larry had. At least Roger never married.

It was quite different when I met my gay husband eight years later. There was nothing apparently gay about him; in fact, he was quite the opposite. He was a man of strength. He taught kung-fu, a very dangerous martial art. He had many women surrounding him vying for his attention. We had sex early in the relationship. He wasnt the best in bed, but I certainly had worse than him in the past. He claimed that he had numerous sexual experiences, and there was no reason for me to even slightly suspect that they were gay sexual experiences at that point. But even if I had found out that my ex-husband had gay sex in the past, I still would have married him. Why? Because back in the 1970s, we were still in the midst of a sexual revolution where many people tried everything. I would have thought that he tried it--and didnt like it--so hes straight.

Does that sound ridiculous? Well, its not. I went with a man prior to my gay husband where that was the case. Rick was a former high school sweetheart with whom I had an on-again, off-again relationship with over a span of eight years. In between, I married for the first time and lost touch. After the first marriage failed at the age of 25, I got in touch with him. By this time he was a doctor living in Massachusetts, and I was living in New York City. We decided to meet again and catch up on the past five years since our last time together.

During that evening, Rick told me about two relationships he had with men after college, followed by two relationships he had with women. He knew that he wasnt gay at that point, and his sexuality was heterosexual. Yep--the I tried it and didnt like it theory that rang through my head. We rekindled our relationship which went on for nearly seven months.