Bonnie Kaye - How I Made My Husband Gay: Myths about Straight Wives

How I Made My
Husband Gay

Myths About
Straight Wives

Bonnie Kaye, M.Ed.

How I Made My Husband Gay: Myths about straight wives

Copyright 2007 by Bonnie Kaye, M.Ed.
ISBN-13: 978-0-9784388-5-2
First Edition

Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication
Kaye, Bonnie, 1951
How I Made My Husband Gay [electronic resource]: Myths about straight wives / by Bonnie Kaye.
Also available in print format.
ISBN 978-0-9784388-5-2
1. Bisexuality in marriage. 2. Closeted gays--Family relationships.
3. Gay men--Family relationships. 4. Gay men--Relations with heterosexual women. 5. Marital conflict. 6. Self-help techniques. I. Title.

HQ1035.K39 2007a 306.872 C2007-906450-7

Extreme care has been taken to ensure that all information presented in this book is accurate and up to date at the time of publishing. Neither the author nor the publisher can be held responsible for any errors or omissions. Additionally, neither is any liability assumed for damages resulting from the use of the information contained herein.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without the express written permission of the publisher. Printed in the United States of America and the United Kingdom.

Publisher: CCB Publishing British
Columbia, Canada
www.ccbpublishing.com

This book is dedicated to the millions of women who have lived with the self-doubt while living with a gay husband.

It is also dedicated to:

My family members who give me unconditional support

My soul mate of 14 years who loves me just the way I am and inspires me to continue this mission to help others find our happiness

The generous women from my support network who were brave and caring enough to share these personal stories to help save others from unnecessary suffering

The extraordinary women who join me weekly in my support chat

And to the wonderful gay men in my support network, especially Dennis, Doug, Derrick, and Michael, who generously give their time to support this cause of honesty and sanity

Other books by Bonnie Kaye

Is He Straight: A Checklist for Women Who Wonder

Doomed Grooms: Gay Husbands of Straight Wives

Man Readers: A Womans Guide to Dysfunctional Men

Straight Wives: Shattered Lives

Contents

How I Made My Husband Gay:
The Stories of My Women

You may think the title of this book is shocking, but I wanted to make people think about the absurdity of the possibility. The sad part is that too many people still believe that this is true we, as straight wives, have some kind of magical power to turn our straight husbands into gay husbands. Even in this day and age, people still DONT GET IT. For the millions of women who marry gay men, it is quite confusing to understand how this happens how much more confusing is it for people who just hear about it?

In September of 2006, a dozen of my support group members were traveling from Philadelphia to New York to join with others during my annual New York get-together to launch our first collaborative book, Straight Wives: Shattered Lives. At the rest stop before the George Washington Bridge where we freshened up, a gentleman walked over to our group of chatty women sitting in a passenger van. He started talking to us in a friendly way, curious about how we all knew each other. He began guessing if we belonged to the same church, womens organization, or if we were friends traveling to see a Broadway show. We kept shaking our heads No after each question. He was truly puzzled. Finally, one woman replied, We all have gay husbands! The man started to chuckle. His next question was, Were they gay when you married them? He wasnt chuckling then. This was not a new or original question for any of us. Its a question that keeps women in the closet long after their husbands come out.

With all the knowledge and publicity on this topic, too many people believe that homosexuality is a conscientious choice that men make. And it is not unusual for people to look at us and wonder where we, their wives, failed in the marriage for our husbands to choose that road. For this reason, we decided on that day that the next collaborative book would be titled How I Made My Husband Gay. Of course, the subtitle is Myths About Straight Wives. Every woman reading this book hopefully knows that this is a MYTH. But if you still have any doubts or believe in some irrational way that you have anything to do with influencing your husbands homosexuality, hopefully these stories will put your mind to rest.

HOW I MADE MY HUSBAND GAY

This is my fourth book about Straight Wives and Gay Husbands. Is there anything left to say that hasnt been said already? First, in 2000, there was Is He Straight? A Checklist for Women Who Wonder. This book gave women who wondered about their husbands sexuality a checklist of what to look for if their husbands were gay. Three years later, I wrote Doomed Grooms: Gay Husbands of Straight Wives which was a follow up after you realized your husbands homosexuality to help women understand why this happens. In 2006, I published Straight Wives: Shattered Lives, a compilation of stories from 27 of my support group women from around the world who described the pain in their marriages to help other women in this situation make an emotional connection. This book was highly praised by everyone who read it. So many women who were struggling in their marriages recognized themselves in these stories.

So now what? Is there anything that hasnt been said in one form or another? Well, YES! The problem is that over 50% of gay husbands are still closeted in denial about their homosexuality. Therefore, there will always be more to be learned by their wives who live in the darkness of their lies in hopes that they can see the light and realize the truth.

As a counselor for over 30,000 women with gay husbands since 1984, no one has seen more wasted years of unhappiness and struggle in this field than me. The average length of marriage for the women I work with is 22 years. If that is the average, think of how many marriages are even longer. When I think of the pain, confusion, and suffering of so many women who blame themselves for the failure in their marriages which they have no clue about or control over, it makes me very sad. It also makes me very angry. It makes me angry because I believe that life is a gift. No man has the right to take away one moment of our lives from us; imagine taking 10, 20, 30, or 40 plus years away from caring, loving women.

I am the first to say that homosexuality is not an easy admission to make when you grow up in a society that is not accepting and unforgiving. I truly admire those gay people who toss their fate to the wind and dont care. They are open and honest, taking whatever consequences come their way. I even admire gay men who are not open about their homosexuality, but they can accept who they are and dont feel the need to escape from it by marrying a woman.

To go one step further, I am also understanding of those men who marry HOPING against hope that marriage will make them straight when they know they have attractions to men. Most gay men who get married love their wives to the best of their ability. They are not marrying them because they hate women or because they are trying to trick us. They are actually trying to trick themselves into thinking that we will be able to eliminate those feelings they so desperately dont want to feel.