McMillan - But he says he loves me: how to avoid being trapped in a manipulative relationship

Praise for But He Says He Loves Me:

With the consequences of relationship violence being so dramatic and the statistics alarmingly high, too often the cry goes out why didnt someone do something sooner?

Finally a book that tells it like it is; that peels back the veneer of romance, providing an essential, practical guide to understanding the development of unhealthy relationships.

Confronting, honest, accurately researched and presented in a powerful, easy to read format, author Dina McMillan teaches ways to participate in relationships with confidence, rose-coloured glasses put to one side, forearmed and forewarned.

The Hon. Robyn Parker MLC, Member of the Legislative Council NSW

This book illustrates some of the complex dynamics that exist in violent relationships. It is uniquely placed to assist women who are in abusive relationships or to identify a relationship that is potentially abusive.

The Hon. Tanya Plibersek MP, Federal Member for Sydney

B UT HE S AYS HE L OVES M E

First published by Allen and Unwin in 2007

Copyright Dina L. McMillan 2007

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. The Australian Copyright Act 1968 (the Act) allows a maximum of one chapter or 10 per cent of this book, whichever is the greater, to be photocopied by any educational institution for its educational purposes provided that the educational institution (or body that administers it) has given a remuneration notice to Copyright Agency Limited (CAL) under the Act.

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National Library of Australia

Cataloguing-in-Publication entry:

McMillan, Dina L., 1959- .

But he says he loves me : how to avoid being trapped

in a manipulative relationship.

ISBN 978 1 74175 196 3.

1. Psychologically abused women. 2. Psychological

abuse. 3. Man-woman relationships. 4. Self-help

techniques. I. Title.

362.837

Internal design by Kirby Stalgis
Set in Courier 11/16pt and Syndor ITC 10.5/16pt by Midland Typesetters
Printed in Australia by McPhersons Printing Group

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

How to avoid being trapped in a
manipulative relationship

Dina L. McMillan, Ph.D.

SMOOTH TALK

These women, you know

Theyll talk til theyre blue!

While desire is pulsing and rising in you,

So say whatever she wants you to

Cause a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do!

So, tell her anything.

Tell her youll stay for the rest of your life

And of course youre going to leave your wife,

As your hand slides gently between her thighs

Cause your needs are piercing, as sharp

as a knife!

So, tell her anything.

Say youll respect her when all this is done.

As you plunge deep inside her say,

You are the one!

Soon itll be over, and then you can run,

Cause to her this was love

To you this was fun!

So, tell her anything!

Broken Vessel

I watch you in secret from the side of my eye

For portents and signs

That my world will turn rightly or split full apart

On an axis of thought or simple turn of phrase

I started out whole, if not wholly complete

In wonderment and fear

You burst through with labels of saviour and keeper

With claims of paradise to be found in your arms

With boldness you focused and pinned me in place

I think I cant breathe

Your words froth through me like acid on stone

Eroding my knowing, my light and my self

I watch as my heart is smashed in your anger

Seared hard at your whim

Now my soul peeks through the poorly glued cracks

And glistens no more, not sacred or fine

This is not your normal self-help book. In fact, this book is probably different from anything you have ever read. That is not an egotistical claim by a self-important author. It is a statement to help you understand that these differences are intentional.

Most information designed to help women with bad relationships starts too late. Those books offer to help you after you realise your relationship is crap. By that stage you are already emotionally, practically and perhaps financially entangled with the man who is hurting you. Your self-esteem is low and you are already used to deferring to his authority. Getting out is difficult and may seem impossible.

You do not have to be in a relationship with a manipulator or an abuser to benefit from this information. In fact, familiarity with this information will keep you out of a relationship with an abuser, as long as you apply what you learn. I believe an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. I would rather women find out what the serious warning signs are before they sleep with him, move in with him, marry him or have children with him. And for those who have already done any of these things, knowing how he trapped you can increase your resolve to get out.

Unlike most books, this is written in two different voices. The right-hand, odd-numbered pages are written in the voice of the author, a social psychologist who specialises in relationships. The left-hand, even-numbered pages are written in the voice of a man who feels perfectly justified in manipulating his partner, and believes all men should do the same thing. It uses the perspectives, language and outlook that hundreds of self-confessed abusive men have revealed in counselling sessions in my office. It is not pretty or nice. It is, however, useful for women to hear.

Some people will object to this book and the information enclosed. Yet, those who work with abused women will probably recognise that this book is not revealing anything abusers do not already knowand use. This book is designed to help women by identifying the specific strategies abusers use at the beginning of the relationship to psychologically condition and trap their partners.

In order to facilitate the ultimate goal of this bookto empower womenI have separated the book into two sections. On the left-hand, even-numbered pages you will find how-to instructions for abusive males, written as though from a more seasoned abuser. I have attempted to tap into the genuine mind-set of abusive men, based on my years of experience working as a relationship counsellor and domestic violence specialist. The right-hand pages have corresponding information for women that will help point out the manipulative tactics and give women instructions for protecting themselves.

I would suggest you read the right-hand pagesthe pages for womenbefore attempting to go through the section for abusers. It can be very disturbing to realise how easily you can be sized up and manipulated by a determined predator. After you are armed with information that will help you understand how women are most vulnerable and information to help you protect yourself, then go back and look inside the abusers minds. It is a frightening place to be.