Table of Contents
Acknowledgements
Sadly, I cant thank every single person who has helped shape this book to do that would take a lifetime of looking back on all the guys that I have dated, bad and good, and the wonderful friends that have been there for me in many years of dating joy and despair, as well as those who have helped with my research in a more practical sense.
So for those I have left out of this brief list, please forgive me; you are part of the bigger picture, I promise you. My heartfelt thanks and appreciation go particularly to the following extra special I-couldnt-live-without people while I have been writing this book: Sarah and Rachel, Kirsty, Sandra, Robert, Johnny B, Clare, Jos G and S-T, Monica, Jude, Carol, Tina, Muriel, Ali, Mecca, Nicola, Dr Lurve, Charlotte, Pat, Rosemary and Matt and Ollie. My thanks also go to Sally at Wileys for being so supportive and constructive in encouraging me to write the book.
My acknowledgements wouldnt be complete without thanking a very special DJ in my life. With unconditional support, kindness, respect and unfailing good humour, he showed me that breaking a few of my own rules wasnt the worst thing in the world, and that in spite of seemingly insurmountable obstacles sometimes even right person, wrong time is the way it has to be.
Introduction
Dating is easy, right? You meet someone, you swap numbers, you arrange to meet and you take it from there. So why do so many people find it so tough? Why does it seem harder than ever to meet a great partner and turn dating into a relationship?
Given that there are more ways than ever of meeting potential partners, it is ironic that it seems so difficult to do something as seemingly simple as meeting an attractive member of the opposite sex and going on a date or two. However, we live in a changing world of singles. No longer content to stay in our home town to date, court and marry a local boy or girl and settle down to have 2.4 children, we all have higher expectations than ever of a compatible partner. We want to date a number of people before we settle down. Some of us dont want to settle down at all, at least not in the conventional sense, and certainly not until weve lived life a little. Some of us want children others dont. Some of us have had children and are single again, and our dating agenda has changed. In a world where our hopes, wishes and demands are constantly changing, our lifestyles and financial independence no longer depend on a partner to support us or do household chores, and where most of us have a liberating and healthy attitude to sex before marriage, the dating rules of engagement have moved on.
It is difficult to know when a casual dating scenario is turning into a relationship. Just wanting or wanting to avoid commitment is not enough to recognize the stage when we are getting involved. Some of us believe that we are in a relationship after date one, for others it is after the first time that we make love and for others it is when we fall in love or even move in together.
Maybe you dont know what you want out of your dating life. Long-term commitment or a little short-term fun? Maybe you go from one relationship seamlessly into another without giving yourself breathing space in between. Or maybe you cant even remember when you last had a date. What really matters to you in a partner? Looks, build, shared sense of humour, generosity, success? And what do you have to offer any potential relationship? Are you aware of your strengths and weaknesses on that score? Do you learn from your previous relationships and move on when dating again? Or do you seem to make the same cock-ups time after time? Do you find yourself saying yes to almost anyone who asks you out, to spare his or her feelings of rejection? Or perhaps because you cant imagine finding anyone better? Or maybe you say no thanks out of shyness, lack of self-esteem or the fear of what the future holds?
My point in this book is to maximize your dating potential and not to fret too much about making a relationship. I believe in dating for datings sake. I also believe that the more people that you date, the better youll get at it and your experience, whether bad or good, will help you learn to recognize when a situation becomes special and you want to make a further commitment.
Dating should be about having fun and enjoying the moment not about pressure to see where a relationship is going. Most of us need to spend more time enjoying the present and less time worrying about the future. A relationship will evolve in time, for almost all of us, but there will be a lot of dating situations along the way that simply dont evolve into anything meaningful. Once you accept this fact, you can begin to indulge yourself in dating situations, which might not seem like an initial long-term promise. Dating is like shopping love it or hate it giving yourself time to shop around, comparing one product with another will ultimately get you a better deal in life than heading for the local shop and buying the first item that you see.
However, over the last few decades we have become a cash-rich, time-poor society. Our local communities are not as strong as they once were and we have been brought up in a self-help-driven society that tells us that we can and should get what we deserve. We know how to make choices for ourselves and we grow up earlier than ever before. This independence is a great asset, but it has given us a whole generation of singles and divorced people. What marks us out from previous generations is that we dont need a partner for financial or practical support, or because we fear being on the shelf, but because we want someone special for the emotional and sexual intimacy that only a close relationship can bring.
Dating is not an exact science. Meeting people is not a prescriptive business. But preparing yourself to date, and maximizing your opportunities by learning a little about improving your chances in the dating arena is something that you can learn. Being proactive but also being chilled is possibly the best way that I can summarize the way to go. Tough call? Read on, be entertained, and maybe even learn a little along the way. Whatever your age, your sex, or your dating or relationship history, you will hopefully find something in this book that will help you along your journey. There will be peaks and troughs, great dates and truly bad dates, times when you long to date but cant find the right person, or you find that seemingly special person but it is the wrong time or the wrong place. People who are fun but dont have the chemistry to drive you on. Dates that inspire you and dates that drive you to despair.
Dating aint easy and almost every one of us will have a rough ride from time to time. Truth is that most us will end up in a long-term relationship. It just may not happen when you want it to. As the old song says You cant hurry love. What you can do is improve your chances, cast your net more widely and enjoy the rollercoaster ride along the way. Good luck!
girls
CHAPTER 1
Dating Versus Relationships
Firstly, lets establish what we mean by the terms dating and relationships. When does a date become a relationship? On the third or fourth date? When youve slept together? When youve both agreed to move on to the next stage?
