Michele Weiner Davis - The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When Hes Lost Desire

This book got caught in the birth canal. As John Lennon once said, Life is what happens when youre busy making plans. In the time I was supposed to be writing, I made a geographical move across the country, both of my children left home, there were family illnesses, my daughter got married, I set up a new business in a new town, and I established myself in a new community with new friendsno small tasks, indeed. Suffice it to say, this book is long overdue. There is no question about who takes top billing on my list of people to appreciate: Sydny Miner, my editor, and her colleagues at Simon & Schuster for patience that has gone far above and beyond the call of duty. Their continued belief in me and support of my work through the past few years has been incredibly touching. In a big bureaucracy like S&S with its many high-maintenance authors, I could have expected to be treated like a number. And thats precisely what happened: I was treated like #1. Thank you for your patience.

As always, my family and friends sustain me in life. My loving and devoted husband, Jimyouve been a constant cheerleader; our two amazing and loving children, Danielle and Zachary; my mother, Elizabeth Weiner; my father, Harry Weiner; plus the newest member of our family, RyanI thank you all so much for your love and support. I also want to thank my brothers, Ken and Chuck, and their families for love and caring. My appreciation and love for my mother-and father-in-law, Leah and Bill, has continued throughout the years.

To Virginia Peeples, my dear friend, who is much, much more than my assistant at the Divorce Busting Center: thank you for devoting yourself to making my professional and personal life the best that it can be. My gratitude for your hard work, talent, and dedication is endless.

To Joe Peeples, thank you from the bottom of my heart for so generously sharing your wife and making the Divorce Busting mission possible.

There are other colleagues at my center who enrich my professional life and enable me to be proud of the work were doing. They include Karen Richards, who has truly become an integral part of our divorcebusting missionI cant imagine what wed do without her. Thats also true for Joann Sallmann, Vernetta Mickey, Laurie Chaplin, Chuck Fallon, Dotty Decker, Jody Stratford, Susie Ryder, Jerry Schreur, Claudia Murphy, and Mark McGunnigle. Thanks for being such an incredible team and for the work you do to help couples restore their love.

I have also relied on other colleagues for support, insight, or assistance with the manuscript, and they have given of their time generously: Michael Yapko, my friend and wise adviser; Tina Pittman, friend and research brainstormer, Barry McCarthy the academic voice of reason; and Diane Sollee, my fan and cheerleader. Other colleagues on my thank-you list are Pat Love, Stephen Stosny, Bill OHanlon, Jeff Zeig, and Rich Simon. Special thanks to Jeannie Kim for her help with the Redbook Sex Survey. Special thanks too to Mary Kelly-Williams for her enormous help with the resources chapter.

My appreciation goes to Suzanne Gluck, my long-time agent, for her continued belief in my writing.

And then there are my friends, both old and new, who deeply enrich my life: Noble Golden, Sharon Chewning, Therese Quoss, Arnold Woodruff, Diane Israel, Mary Kelly-Williams, Anita Koury, Claudia Murphy, Susie Ryder, and Susan Mann.

Last, but certainly not least, are the many women who were brave enough to share their lives and stories with me and to entrust me to help them create more love, lust, and laughter in their lives. Thank you for teaching me so much about this very important topic: the sex-starved wife.

A re you a sex-starved wife? A woman who deeply desires more satisfying sex with your husband? Would you settle for just more sex? Or to put it more accurately, would some sex do? If so, I am not surprised that the title of this book piqued your interest. You are craving a loving, passionate, juicy, sexual relationship with your man. And you deserve it! The good news is that youve come to the right place. Although weve never met, I know what youve been going through and how the difference in your and your husbands sex drives has taken a toll on you. I also know that until now, effective help for your problem has been in short supply. But thats all about to change. I am going to be your personal coach and help you become an expert on getting your love life back on track.

But first, I want you to read a few letters from women who have been struggling with a desire gap in their own marriages. Youre about to learn that you, my friend, are not alone:

Hi Michele,

My husband is just not interested in sex. He has no desire for me. Unless we go away and stay at a hotel or it is a special occasion, he will do anything to avoid the sex. When we do have sex, he wont touch certain parts of my body. He wont kiss. He wont say, I love you either. I feel worthless, ugly, undeserving. I am obsessed by the lack of sex in our relationship. When I bring it up, he gets angry and says that he should just leave, that all I want to do is create drama where there is none. Most days I just wish I could run away and not feel anymore. I am dying inside and dont know how much longer I can hang on.

Dear Michele,

My husbands libido has been at rock bottom for years. Always believing it would get better, Ive stuck it out. But now I feel I am losing the best years of my life, as well as my libido. Am I not allowed to feel feminine? We have sex three to four times a year; he orgasms upon penetration, leaving me wanting more than a cleanup job and a good, silent cry in the bathroom. He knows Im upset. He is laissez-faire about seeking help.

I am attractive. I am very lonely with my children grown. I desperately need to feel the arms of a loving man around me once again. My husbands attempts are robotic, in an effort to keep me from divorcing him. Where am I in his emotional absence? Where am I in his life? Id give my eyes and teeth for good sex once a year!