Stephanie Simons - Alls Fair in Love and Wardrobe: A Fashion Editors Rules on Shopping for Love

Copyright 2014 by Stephanie Simons

Illustration copyright 2014 by Malia Carter

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

Cover illustration by: Malia Carter

ISBN: 978-1-62914-296-8

EISBN: 978-1-62914-322-4

Printed in China

To all the girls whove ever wanted
to shop, dress, eat, party, travel,
and Instagram like a fashion editor.
Now you can date like one.

*Fashion editors have the best dating stories. The late nights. The champagne hangovers. The bold-faced names. If only the accessories closet at Vogue could talk...

How to date like a fashion editrix, a crash course

Kiss on the chic

At the end of the night, when your date goes in for an unwanted lip lock, call him dahling , turn a glowing cheek, and air kiss with the elegance and minty fresh breath of Grace Coddington canoodling with the boys of Proenza Schouler backstage at a show. Mwah! Mwah! Thank you for a lovely time! Crisis averted.

Become an acronympho

Acronyms like OTK (over-the-knee) and VPL (visible panty line) are linguistic Morse code used by fashion editors in order to purposely confuse the rest of the world. Speaking like this in real life with your single girlfriends will allow you to talk about a leering creeper right in front of him, without him even realizing it. OMG! PSM! WSG! ( Oh my gah! Please save me! Weird staring guy! )

Have a long lead time

Thursday is the new Wednesday when it comes to securing plans. If hes totally interested in you, expect him to stake his claim on your Saturday night by Thursday evening. If hes texting you an invitation to tag along at the last minute, without allowing enough time to shave your legs or change your outfit, its probably because someone else canceled on him.

Channel a front-row state of mind

Being in loves front row means securing prime seating alongside his best friends and eventually earning a backstage pass to hang with his family. Dont settle for being the back-row babe whos constantly shuffled around and buried out of sight under the proverbial exit sign.

Worship at the altar of The Comma Sutra

You can tell a lot about a man by his punctuation and prose via email and text. Regarding vocabulary, size matters. Also pay close attention to his response time ( two seconds versus two days ), word choice ( you versus ya ), and berserk use of emoticons.

Dont rush to meet deadlines

Slow and steady wins the race when it comes to making romantic decisions involving the rest of your life, but there may come a time when you reach a certain age and everyone starts getting married and having kids like its going out of style. If friends and family try to pressure you, tell them recent advances in anti-cellulite jeans and tush-toning sneakers promise to extend your prime while you take your sweet time.

Move on with style

A fashion editor doesnt cling to the memory of her former boyfriend jeans when theyre kaput. Instead, she swiftly moves on to the next big thing, which shes already had her eye on for the last couple of seasons. Let this forward-thinking mantra guide you after a break-up and above all, remember: When God closes a door, he opens a Neiman Marcus.

Know what makes a great cover story

And by great cover story, we mean brilliant exit strategy. The cell phone is a cruel little invention thats made it virtually impossible to give an overly amorous aggressor faux digits. Thats because once you give it to him, hes likely to dial you up as he stands next to you (this is his way of programming his number into your phone, and making sure it actually rings). The phantom boyfriend excuse still works in a pinch, but since it could backfire in the presence of other attractive men, we suggest slipping unwanted suitors your new email address EditrixMinx@gmail.com. Well have our unpaid interns take care of his correspondence the same way they take care of our endless PR spam.

Rule 1

When in doubt, date like an editrix.

Its all about mastering the art of the edit. Buy less, choose well. Date less, choose well. Being more selective about the men you spend time with will inevitably save you a lot of grief in the long run. Alas, without the worst date ever horror stories in your back pocket youll have to find another way to be the highlight of every cocktail party. (May we suggest a crystal-beaded sheath?)

Rule 2

Men ask for numbers theyll never call, like women buy clothes theyll never wear.

Dont take it personally. If anyone knows how it feels to be smitten by an irresistible sequin mini in the moment but never drum up the courage to take it out on the town, its you. Why men say what they dont mean (especially when they dont have to) is one of lifes greatest mind-bogglers, right up there with mullet skirts and jeggings. It is what it is, and it happens to everyone. Never let it bring you down, gorgeous.

The 7 phases of waiting for him to call

Phase 1 (day 1)

I just met the greatest guy ever! I cant wait to go out with him!

Phase 2 (day 2)

Oh, hi Mom. No, I thought you were someone else calling. Can you stop doing that for the next 4872 hours, please?

Phase 3 (day 3)

Are you kidding me? Guys still play by the three day rule?

Phase 4 (day 4)

What if my business card got washed to shreds in his pants pocket? Should I just go for it and call him?

Phase 5 (day 5)

Hello, Verizon Wireless? Can you confirm my phone is fully functioning?

Phase 6 (day 6)

Well, even if he does call, Im not picking up.

Phase 7 (day 7)

Oh well, he wasnt my type anyway. Next!

Rule 3