Ian K. Smith - The Truth About Men: The Secret Side of the Opposite Sex

To Trist Without Limits Eternally

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I want to thank all of my female friends, who have been wonderful and generous in sharing the highs and lows and embarrassments of their relationships and trusting me enough to request my advice in these delicate matters. Thanks also to my guy friends, who have given me enough stories and opinions to not only laugh for the rest of my life, but to fill up an entire library of books.

CONTENTS

THE FIRST PRINCIPLE:

THE SECOND PRINCIPLE:

THE THIRD PRINCIPLE:

THE FOURTH PRINCIPLE:

THE FIFTH PRINCIPLE:

THE SIXTH PRINCIPLE:

THE SEVENTH PRINCIPLE:

THE EIGHTH PRINCIPLE:

THE NINTH PRINCIPLE:

THE TENTH PRINCIPLE:

INTRODUCTION

The final spark that got me to sit down and finally write this book happened one afternoon in the great city of New York. I was sitting in a room filled with more than three hundred women who were supposed to be attending a seminar on how they could get their health groove back. Having written several health books and sat on many health panels in the past, I was interested in hearing what the panelists were going to say to this group of well-educated, well-heeled women who enjoyed many advantages that others dontserious, accomplished women who were influential in their workplaces as well as in their homes and community organizations.

I sat thereone of only two men in the roomand listened. The topic of the seminar was important, as women are certainly the gatekeepers of the familys health, and the panelists started talking about the health struggles that women endure in this role. They spoke of the need to put their health first and not always worry about others, neglecting themselves. Then the topic of men came up and the tension in the room spiked dramatically. The lightning-rod issue of how to find the right man and keep him was now center stage, and it transformed these rather sedate and dignified women into an angry pack of firebrands. They reacted as if they were at a pep rally. I was happy to be sitting close to the exit, where I was largely ignored and could make a hasty escape if necessary.

What really got my attention, however, was the seemingly endless commentary from Panelist #1. While I was in a rather relaxed mood, all things considered, she really started to wear on my nerves. She was Ms. Know-It-All: Girlfriends, let me tell you what you need to do to get that man. Girlfriends, let me tell you about the power you have and dont even know. Girlfriends, men are completely afraid of commitment. On and on she went as if she were omniscient and everyone else in the room merely students in desperate need of her wisdom to save them from burning in relationship hell. What pissed me off the most was not the topic, not even the male-bashing that was going on, as some of it was well deserved. Over the years I had found myself many times counseling my own female friends about their men issues. No, what pissed me off was that this know-it-all didnt know very much at all. She sounded good, spoke well, and was quite attractive in her expensively tailored suit and Louboutin heels, but almost everything out of her mouth was utter nonsense.

I wanted to stand up and tell these women, who were so badly looking for answers, the real reasons a man wants a woman to pick up the restaurant tab every once in a while. I wanted to tell them the real reasons a man doesnt want them to have a key to his apartment, or why hes not so charged up to meet their family, even after a couple of months of dating. I had an electric urge to stand up right there in that sea of charged estrogen and give them the pure, unadulterated truth, the truth that I knew would be painful to some and considered disrespectful by others, but would be the truth nonetheless. At the very least it would be much more informative, accurate, and helpful than the ridiculous meanderings of Panelist #1.

But instead of standing up, I turned over the conference program I had found underneath my seat and started taking notes on the back. I wrote furiously over the next forty-five minutes, outlining some of the major misperceptions that were getting in the way of being able to understand men better. I captured the advice dispensed by the panelists and the questionsexcellent questions in factfrom the audience. I made up my mind right then and there that, even if my fellow XY compatriots might brand me a traitor, I was going to tell the honest and painful truth to women. I was going to pull back the curtains that hide a mans mind and bare the inner workings of how we think and why we think the way we do. Panelist #1 would be my writing muse, and the wonderful and intelligent women who sat and listened to her every word would now be my audience as I would let women know what men want them to know but wont tell them.

THE FIRST PRINCIPLE

THE SUBTLE ART OF HOOKING US

Theres a big misperception that men never want to be in committed relationships if we can help it, and that we prefer to have the freedom to date a harem of women. Not so. We want to be in a committed relationship, but it has to be with the right woman at the right time.

L ETS START WITH a simple truth. Men dont want to feel like theyre being hooked, especially in the beginning of a relationship. This has something to do with our innate desire for freedom and our need to feel like were in control. Not to say that were not open to the idea of settling down and being satisfied in a monogamous relationship with you, but the second we detect that these are your intentions, we either stop returning your phone calls or start figuring out ways to escape without hurting your feelings. Understanding the basics of how we think in this situation will go a long way toward producing the results that you desire. So dont judge what follows as being politically incorrect or rude. Be warned that this is not about whats right or wrong, respectful or disrespectful. This book is about one thingthe raw truth.

The Physical MattersPeriod

Forget all those relationship expert columns that tell you its most important to your man that he first see whats in your heart. Bullshit. Its most important to see whats inside your clothes. Now, before you scream, Piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig! listen carefully. Im not saying that we need to get into your pants right away in order to enjoy your company. But I am saying that men definitely need to know that you have the goods and that you take care of yourself. To put it bluntly, a guys first interest in a woman has nothing to do with the handbag shes carrying or that she graduated from an Ivy League school. What your (potential) man wants you to know but wont tell you is that his initial attraction is all about your appearance and physical being, which sends a flood of highly charged testosterone racing through his veins. Yes, the physical is first, and were not saying we wont eventually fall in love with your intelligence, kindness, and humor. These extremely important attributes are the ones that will ultimately be critical in helping you hook us. But in the beginning the number-one attribute is what you look like and how well you take care of yourself.

The glossy magazines that litter the newsstands do a real disservice to you all by defining beauty in such a narrow way. A quick flip through the pages and its boringly obvious that most of the models and celebrities featured in these magazines are really a variation on the same theme. The truth for us men, however, is that beauty is diverse and idiosyncratic. (Great news for you.) Some of us want the well-endowed woman, while others are repulsed by the surgically enhanced. Some of us want tall and slim, while others want short and curvaceous. Some of us want you to have some junk in the trunk, while others want it small and tight. There really is some truth to the saying, Theres a lid for every pot. The challenge for most women, however, is finding that fit.