Tom Sturges - Grow the Tree You Got: & 99 Other Ideas for Raising Amazing Adolescents and Teenagers

Table of Contents

Kris Jenner, television personality and businesswoman

Hugh Hefner, founder of Playboy magazine

Clive Davis, Chief Creative Officer, Sony Music Entertainment

Elaine Wynn, National Chairman, Communities in Schools

I remember the day it hit me that life with Thomas had changed forever. I woke up that morning to the sight of him walking around the house with a pimple on his cheek the size of an M&M. His room smelled slightly of Axe body spray, and every time I needed to talk to him he was behind a locked door. It seemed as if hed gone to bed a child the night before and woken up an adolescent. Where did all the time go? I asked myself, while making a mental note that my collection of semi-provocative magazines (mostly old Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues) was no longer in precise chronological order. It crossed my mind that these were minor details and probably nothing to worry about, but in reality they were the overture. The opera was coming next.

Within a few months, the nature and depth of our communication began to change, and the one-word sentence found a place in his repertoire of snappy answers. It was but a harbinger of many short sentences to come.

How was school today? I asked my seventh-grader.

Fine.

Did you talk to your teacher about that grade you got on your science paper?

Yes.

Anything more you want to tell me?

No.

Mommy says that you might want to go to the fair tomorrow... ?

Hmmmm... he said to me betwixt mumbling commands to a legion of friends also playing World of Warcraft on the Internet.

Has anyone spoken to all the other parents?

Yeah.

What will you do with yourselves all day... ?

Dunno.

Thats almost two words, isnt it?

Nope.

Okay, nice talking to you.

Okay.

Love you, son.

Mtoo...

A little while later it occurred to me that a lot of time had passed since Thomas had asked me to teach him how to ride a bike. This realization came just about the same time he started asking me to teach him how to drive a car. Dad, Im almost thirteen! he said, not realizing this was probably the last thing that would convince me.

My friends with daughters compared notes with me. Apparently things change just as quickly for girls. One day theyre reading Knitting Digest or Highlights, the next day its Vogue and Teen People, and it happens in the blink of a false eyelash. One dad I know sent Twiggy to summer camp, and guess who came back? Pamela Anderson. Where did my daughter go? he wondered as he noticed that the girl who looked vaguely like his child appeared to be wearing blush, eyeliner, and possibly some sparkly stuff on her neck and shoulders.

Adolescent and teenage years are an end and a beginning. They are the end of innocence and the beginning of knowing. The end of Why? and the beginning of Why not? The end of What if... ? and the beginning of What now? The end of What the heck? and the beginning of What the... ? Adolescence arrives and out the window go many of the established rituals between parents and their offspring. It is a whole new ball game, baby. All concerned must now contend with a newly minted preteenage smart aleck. He somehow knows everything about everything and never meets a question he cannot answer. As is customary with adolescents, he is often wrong, but always certain. This burgeoning false wisdom signals the dawn of a burning new age. Adolescents urgently need to know where all of the boundaries are, and they need to find out right away, just as soon as possible. Adolescence is all about the present. It is life in the moment. The last thing adolescents want to hear about is the future. Bor-ing. We the parents have no idea what the metamorphosis will bring to our childrens lives, our own lives, and, of course, the lives of our snoopy prying neighbors. All that we can do is prepare for everything and anything that might occur, and then hope that we have prepared enough. If your child is within shouting distance of eleven, its time to get started.

There are many wonderful books on parenting, of course, but none I read were exactly right. I wanted to provide my sons with something different. I wanted to raise them to be truthful and generous and wonderful people, but not change who they were meant to be, and not alter in any way their unique gifts, whatever those might turn out to be.

The first hurdle was time. How could I possibly find the time it takes to be a great dad while also earning a living, caring for an aging parent, trying to keep a marriage together, and finding a few minutes for myself every now and again? I realized early on that there is no such thing as quality time, there is only quantity time. So every extra moment, every free moment, every available moment went first to the boys, and once they were exhausted and the cup was full, I had a moment for me. With no time to spare, I also realized that I had to make the most of the time I had. That is how this book came to life. It is first and foremost my guide for me, my crib notes to keep me always on track to be the father I still dream I can be.

If an idea or technique worked well, I would write it down and try it again and again. If I stumbled across something another parent did that was particularly ingenious or exemplary, I kept notes so that I could try the same thing when I needed another option. Rule #5: Call Me, No Questions Asked builds an unshakable trust between parent and teenager and has proven to be perfect for me and Thomas. Mercifully, he needed it only twice. Rocks in the Roots is a strategy for getting through tough times with an adolescent. It has never failed me, either as a parent or as a mentor. The entirety of the section Big Dreams is about how dreams of an amazing future can be such a vitally important part of the arc of life for adolescents and teenagers.

As they grow, they change, and there are always new challenges. The one I faced that surprised me most was the realization that many of the connections between me and my boys could be easily disrupted or even broken down completely, by divorce, for instance. It was almost too late when I saw that there needed to be many more opportunities for us to be together, and I had thought I had plenty. The ideas that grew from trying to maintain those vital and beautiful connections became The Seven Bridges Rule and Someday May Already Be Here.