Nancy Tuckerman - The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette: 50th Anniversay Edition

PUBLISHED BY DOUBLEDAY
a division of Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing Group, Inc.
1540 Broadway, New York, New York 10036

D OUBLEDAY and the portrayal of an anchor with a dolphin are trademarks of Doubleday, a division of Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing Group, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Tuckerman, Nancy, 1928
The Amy Vanderbilt complete book of etiquette / entirely rewritten and updated by Nancy Tuckerman and Nancy Dunnan. 1st ed.
p. cm.
1. EtiquetteUnited States. I. Dunnan, Nancy.
II. Vanderbilt, Amy, Etiquette. III. Title.
BJ1853.T83 1995 93-44452

395dc20

eISBN: 978-0-307-81450-0

Copyright 1978, 1995 by Curtis B. Kellar and Lincoln G. Clark, Trustees U/A dated March 10, 1980, and Doubleday, a division of Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing Group, Inc.

Copyright 1952, 1954, 1955, 1956, 1958, 1963, 1967, 1972 by Curtis B. Kellar and Lincoln G. Clark, Trustees U/A dated March 10, 1980.

All Rights Reserved

v3.1

Once again this book is dedicated

to the memory of

the late Amy Vanderbilt,

whose taste and style

are reflected in this revised edition.

In great part, the scope and authoritativeness of the book can be attributed to the efforts of many professionals, colleagues, and friends, who willingly commented and gave advice on innumerable issues, all of which have added to the authenticity of the many topics covered. While space prevents listing all those who gave generously of their time and knowledge, we would like to express appreciation to Ann Patron, Smythson of Bond Street; Steven L. Feinberg, Crane & Co., Inc.; John Loring, Tiffany & Company; Matthew Flood, Dempsey & Carroll Company; Rex Scouten, The White House; Anne Liu, The Social List of Washington, D.C.; Barbara D. Tober, BRIDES; Andrea Feld, BRIDES; Vera Wang, Vera Wang Bridal House; Sean Driscoll, Glorious Food, Inc.; Jay Jolly, Glorious Food, Inc.; Gary Boyd Roberts, New England Historic Genealogical Society; Roberta Maneker, Christies; Jeanne Trudeau, Trudeau Photography Studio; Jeff Moravec, Hazelden; Ellen Archer, Ann Arensberg, Amy Baron, Lazinka Benton, Winifred Brown, Alan Campbell, Charlotte Cohen, Joseph F. Dash, Paul Gunther, Theresa Kidd, Christine A. Kinser, Mary Kirby, Sherri Steinfeld Maxman, Scott Moyers, Lee Nasso, Jay J. Pack, Leigh Palmer, Phoebe Phillips, Frances Stave, Herbert Teison, Bruce Tracy, Pauline K. Webel, Judith Weinstein. And a very special word of thanks to Hope A. Whipple for her significant role in the preparation of the entertaining and wedding chapters.

Furthermore, we are thankful to many members of the clergy whose judicious counseling helped with the religious aspects of the book: weddings, funerals, other religious observances, and forms of address for the clergy. They are Reverend Michael Crimmins, St. Malachys Church, New York City; Rabbi Irwin H. Fishbein, Rabbinic Center for Research and Counseling, Westfield, New Jersey; Nancy Hadley-Jaffe, New York Quarterly Meeting of the Religious Society of Friends, New York City; His Grace Bishop Isaiah, Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of North and South America, New York City; Rabbi David C. Kogen, Jewish Theological Seminary, New York City; Father Robert Larkin, Archdiocese of New York, New York City; Reverend Peter Larom, Grace Church, White Plains, New York; Maura Magennis, St. James Church, New York City; Reverend Dr. Aaron Manderbach, retired, Salisbury, Connecticut; Reverend Mitzi Noble, Trinity Episcopal Church, Lime Rock, Connecticut; David M. Robertson, Christian Science Committee on Publication for New York, New York City; Rabbi Robert Rubin, Temple Mekor Chayim, Linden, New Jersey; F. Michael Watson, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Salt Lake City, Utah. Also, thanks to the Most Reverend Agostino Cacciavillan of the Apostolic Nunciature, Washington, D.C., for his counseling on An Audience With the Pope and our gratitude to Ruth Rosenberg for her discerning comments and advice on Jewish religious customs and practices.

Our deepest thanks to Nancy Nicholas, Amy Vanderbilt editor, whose far-reaching knowledge in an astonishing variety of subjects, as well as her imagination and attention to detail, proved invaluable in the writing of the book. We are also grateful to John Duff, the initial editor, who laid the groundwork for the revision, and to Kitty Benedict for the editorial and authorial expertise she brought to the project. Equal appreciation to Lesley Logan and Lesley Seymour for their contribution to the chapter on family life and to Rob Robertson and Rene Zuckerbrot for their editorial assistance. In addition, we are grateful to Doubledays copy chief, Harold Grabau; to Kathryn Tebbel for the fine job she did copy editing the manuscript and to Estelle Laurence for reading the proofs; and to Marcy Ross, researcher; Jackie Aher, illustrator; Marysarah Quinn, art director; Beverley Gallegos, book designer; Julie Duquet, jacket designer. Not least, thanks to Stephen Rubin, President and Publisher of Doubleday, who saw the need for this updated and expanded edition.

To many people, the word etiquette implies white gloves, finger bowls, children curtsying, and other genteel manners that once were the hallmark of proper behavior. But few people know the actual etymology of this rather daunting word that describes a system of conventional rules that regulate social behavior. The word literally means a ticket or card, and refers to the ancient custom of a monarch setting forth ceremonial rules and regulations to be observed by members of his court. As far back as Anglo-Saxon times, consideration for others, as well as observance of a monarchs rules, was a part of etiquette, as demonstrated in the epic poem Beowulf, written around A.D. 700, when Queen Wealtheow, mindful of etiquette, offered the goblet first to the king, then to the courtiers, and finally to herself. And through the centuries the observance of such consideration has remained unquestioned.

While elaborate court rituals have gone the way of other archaic customs, mindful etiquette remains constant. Conversely, the world around us never remains constant. Since 1978, when the last edition of this book was published, we have seen new technologies surface that call for modifications in our social customs. For instance, technology has given us the fax machine, voice mail, and cellular phones. Women now play a more prominent role in our work force; thermography frequently replaces engraving; and smoking is not allowed in most public places. Even the basic structure of our family life is very different. Divorce is no longer the exception; the single parent is not unusual; the unmarried couple living together is commonplace; Ms. is a title firmly rooted in our language; and more women than ever are keeping their surnames after marriage.

As would be expected, the more conventional aspects of etiquette that are so much a part of our daily lifebeing considerate of others, teaching children table manners, letter writing, gift giving, being a guest at a wedding, getting along with coworkersare covered with equal importance, as are occasions that center around formal dinner parties and dances, anniversaries, bar mitzvahs, and other time-honored rituals. On these more formal occasions when we want to put our best foot forward, an understanding of traditional etiquette is practical as well as reassuring. Theres a certain satisfaction that comes with putting our best foot forward. Just as we admire the lawyer who knows how to win a case, the speaker who knows how to hold the audiences attention, the corporate president who knows how to chair a meeting, so too are we admired when we make our guests feel at ease, plan the perfect wedding, or give a loving eulogy.