Carol Botwin - The Love Crisis: Hit-and-Run Lovers, Jugglers, Sexual Stingies, Unreliables, Kinkies, & Other Typical Men Today

All rights reserved, including without limitation the right to reproduce this ebook or any portion thereof in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of the publisher.

Copyright 1979 by Carol Botwin and Jerome Fine

ISBN 978-1-4532-6790-5

This edition published in 2014 by Open Road Integrated Media, Inc.

345 Hudson Street

New York, NY 10014

www.openroadmedia.com

To Alexandra and William

... and to all the men who have contributed to this book in one way or another:

H.B., J.M., H.P., M.A., S.C., E.G., R.L., V.L., P.T., S.W., G.P., E.R., S.L., W.R., L.G., C.L., P.L., F.J., D.D., M.K., N.P., R.S.D., H.G., L.P., O.R.L., D.W., B.C., T.W., E.M., M.L., F.G., T.D.O., S.N., D.A., E.L., N.C.P., J.N., W.L., I.C., L.M., L.K., F.J., J.A., C.L., R.T., A.N., F.G., M.E., L.I., O.Z., T.S., P.O., E.F., D.L.C., H.R., F.D., P.R., V.G., V.P., D.L., E.F., J.G., S.A., Q.R., M.N., S.T., W.N., C.A., B.L., C.P., N.A., A.F., G.J., S.R., M.C., R.L., T.Y., D.L., B.A., M.M., O.E., D.L., P.O., S.N., N.F., S.T., D.E., B.D., V.S., N.M., J.N., B.W., G.O., D.G., M.B., G.O., S.V., L.M., E.W., M.D., R.B., J.L., H.J., R.P., D.T., B.A., H.C., G.L., C.S., S.B., P.R., P.S., D.W., G.P., P.N., A.V., A.S., L.B., B.G., E.B., F.H., C.L., W.R., T.U., F.P., A.T., B.F., R.deB., N.A., L.P., H.O., H.G., L.S., F.K., B.L., C.P., M.W., E.W., J.P., Y.L., J.W., D.M., B.G., G.V., M.H., A.J., I.G., D.S., E.B., J.G., J.B., D.C., R.T., D.O., S.C., K.S., J.O., J.B., F.H., R.P., A.C., J.C., C.H., D.I., T.P., D.G., P.C., M.A., CM., B.W., D.L., E.F., J.G., C.P., A.S., J.N., H.M., C.C., H.K., J.E., S.K., A.H., B.R., L.I., L.A., J.C., M.P., D.C., J.U., K.O., M.P., T.O., R.W., C.McK., J.S., M.W., S.S., C.G., R.G., S.P., G.G., M.N., C.O., D.R., J.B., S.S., V.A., A.B., P.D., M.W., S.B., C.D., W.P., M.T., M.M., N.P., M.D., E.D., N.G., S.K., M.N., L.S., S.Y., T.T., V.N., S.B., H.O'N., P.K., S.T., B.D., G.M., P.D., E.H., P.C., R.B., P.H., W.Z., I.P., P.G., E.B., T.Q., P.L., P.McG., H.D., R.G., H.G., A.K., J.S., A.H., A.T., R.L., D.S., P.F., R.A., W.B., A.T., R.W., R.R., R.B., S.R., J.S., J.C, E.B., M.J., E.F., T.A., P.B., V.B., M.W., A.H., G.N., J.Q., W.K., P.L., A.R., K.B., P.B., M.B., W.G., D.S., J.M., S.S., N.A., W.T., M.C., J.K., H.H., J.J., K.P., D.R., E.W., T.K., I.B., B.M., C.M., M.K., S.B., K.M., E.L., F.N., N.O., D.F., M.F., T.P., K.D., A.L., T.P., T.R., O.R., L.W., P.W., P.B., R.V., M.B., L.W., L.J., E.B., T.W., J.K., J.G., K.B., A.K., R.B., X.P., N.R., S.G., D.H., J.S., D.D., R.E., R.L., T.H., J.N., E.S., E.M., M.K., L.R., M.C., J.D., P.P., B.P., S.F., K.G., K.J., S.F., P.B., H.G., J.S., D.V., L.B., C.C., C.S., L.D., B.A., N.H., G.W., R.S., M.H., K.F., R.S., P.P., A.G., M.R., E.C., K.F., F.S., D.M., S.D., L.D., L.C, B.H., E.M., C.S., A.B., W.R., C.C., W.C., E.F., O.T., J.P., L.W., T.A., J.R., H.K., W.H., R.R., G.W., C.D., O.T., S.B., A.C., T.A., E.L., A.J., K.A., K.H., P.M., T.C., W.J., T.R., T.S., D.Y., N.L., H.W., C.W., G.R., G.A., J.G., R.H., W.K., G.S., D.J., F.C., H.G., M.N., E.M., S.B., J.C, O.G., G.G., W.H., J.T., H.M., A.P., P.O., W.H., R.G., F.Y., P.S., H.E., I.P., D.B., L.S., R.N., E.N., J.K., T.P., L.S., M.N., T.R., T.P., M.J., H.S., L.B., A.L., T.G., O.P., S.W., F.H., P.Y., M.P., H.L., J.P., G.M., W.W., E.S., B.W., M.B., M.W., K.H., T.W., H.H., J.L., S.C., J.W., J.B., G.G., M.H., R.S., C.M., W.I., W.Y., P.D., R.W., A.D., C.B., J.L., T.P., S.M., T.A., L.R., H.L., S.S., M.L., D.C., K.G., C.K., A.D., B.S., D.L., F.A., S.A., B.S., S.H., V.S., N.G., B.D., A.L., R.N., D.M., G.F., A.H., G.F., P.N., E.W., B.G., E.J., D.E., B.R., R.M., A.L., J.K., F.R., F.P., L.W., E.W., E.B., B.P., C.G., J.P., J.A., J.J., O.W., R.C, G.W., R.W., M.K., F.C., N.K., I.C., A.W., G.W., G.G., M.F., W.T., Y.R., M.B., P.W., C.R., T.L., J.B., E.R., G.Y., J.M., M.K., T.M., P.W., C.T., M.F., F.P., I.L., J.B., M.T., S.G., F.D., R.H., J.O., W.K., P.V., O.X., N.Z., G.C, H.L., C.C., H.D., T.O., S.G., R.E., T.R., T.L., P.F., A.B., E.L., A.N., A.M., S.I., T.A., J.W., P.R., T.N., S.D., E.D., B.D., S.P., C.T., D.N., W.O., E.P., R.S., T.M., T.P., D.E., S.W., C.W., F.T., B.Y., A.M., A.W., P.T., R.T., D.M., B.A.

CONTENTS

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I am grateful to Dr. Jerome L. Fine, who supplied me with the technical psychological information I needed to write about the inner lives of men. He was always wise, generous, and good-humored.

I want to give very special thanks also to Dr. Berta An-agnoste, who kept me going with her encouragement and added her wisdom to sections of this book. Jeannette Hopkins helped me immeasurably with her suggestions about the manuscript. In addition, my gratitude goes to the following, for their insights, in interviews, when I first thought of writing a book about men's love lives six years ago: Dr. Otto Ehrenberg, Dr. John O'Connor, Dr. Maj-Britt Rosenbaum, Dr. Bennett Rosner, Dr. Clifford Sager. Edward Botwin did me many favors as I was finishing the book, adding to his consistent kindness over the years.

Michael Waful also did me favors that helped the book progress. Henriette Gray lived through the final days of typing the manuscript with fortitude and patience.

PREFACE

When Carol Botwin first talked to me three years ago about The Love Crisis, it was a happy meeting of minds. She, as a journalist and a woman, had been observing discernible patterns in men's interactions with women, and wanted to write a book about them. I, as a clinical psychologist, psychoanalyst, and a man, had been aware of these same patterns and had been thinking about the state of men in our culture, in general.

Preliminary discussions between us quickly established the fact that we shared many attitudes and had, independently, come to many similar conclusions about American men. Although Carol Botwin had already done considerable research on the subject by the time we met, she felt that The Love Crisis would benefit from a consultant in the field of psychology. I agreed to share my knowledge, opinions, and experiences with her.

The male patterns described in this book are accurate renderings of behavior I have observed over the past nineteen years while treating patients in over 35,000 hours of clinical practice as a psychotherapist, and as a supervisor [in the Department of Psychiatry at the Mt. Sinai School of Medicine and the William Alanson White Psychoanalytic Institute in New York City.] The underlying theories that form the basis for much of the material in The Love Crisis are

based on the psychoanalytic doctrines of Sigmund Freud as well as some of the more contemporary formulations of interpersonal, developmental, and ego psychologies and from various theories of family therapy. In addition, the book incorporates anecdotes, observations, and quotations derived from more than one hundred interviews with men and women conducted by Carol Botwin over the past few years, as well as recent thinking in the fields of sociology and social psychology.

Although the tone of The Love Crisis is sometimes light, the psychological insights in it are meant to help you develop a process of thinking and understanding about behavior that goes beyond surface appearances. Hopefully, these insights will take some of the mystery out of male behavior for women, and shed some light on their own behavior for men.