Carol Botwin - Is There Sex After Marriage?: Professional Advice on How to Bring Desire Back and Make Sex Better

All rights reserved, including without limitation the right to reproduce this ebook or any portion thereof in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of the publisher.

The author is grateful for permission to reprint the following copyrighted material:

Letter from April 26, 1983, Ann Landers column, reprinted by permission of Ann Landers and News America Syndicate.

Excerpts from The New Sex Therapy, The Evaluation of Sexual Disorders, and Disorders of Sexual Desire, all by Dr. Helen Singer Kaplan, reprinted by permission of the publisher, Brunner/Mazel, Inc.

Excerpts from Relations, The New York Times, December 21, 1981. Copyright 1981 by The New York Times Company. Reprinted by permission.

Copyright 1985 by Carol Botwin

ISBN 978-1-4532-3159-3

This edition published in 2014 by Open Road Integrated Media, Inc.

345 Hudson Street

New York, NY 10014

www.openroadmedia.com

To my husband

CONTENTS

FOREWORD

I AM NOT ordinarily fond of superlatives, but in the case of this book, I must drop my usual reticence and state flatly that Carol Botwin has written the best book about sex and marriage that I have read. Ms. Botwins book is addressed to the general public with the hope that, through increased understanding of marital interactions, many marriages may be saved, many married people can have more fulfilling sexual lives, and many people contemplating marriage will have a clearer comprehension of what lies ahead. I believe she will succeed in influencing the lives of many.

We have had far too many sex manuals, too many how-to-do-it sex cookbooks, with the authors favorite recipes for getting with it, getting turned on, getting ones kicks, and, in the process, winning a gold medal in the sexual Olympics. This book is different. It deals with what professionals in the field call marital dynamics the nuances and subtleties of what takes place in the lives of people hoping to find greater satisfaction and fulfillment with another person in an intimate relationship. While the author makes the decrease in sexual desire a major theme of her book, the content actually is a discussion of the life cycle of marriage and the changes that take place in marital relationships as people marry, have children, pass through various crises or turning points, and manage the problems of parenting, the empty nest, menopause, and aging. The influence of these life-cycle events on sexual behavior and gratification is admirably explained and illustrated with case histories.

The authors other major concerns are how people achieve or fail to achieve intimacy (one of the best parts of the book deals with the defenses against intimacy and the reasons why so many people are afraid of it), and how struggles around power mess up sex so badly.

The content of Ms. Botwins book is anything but superficial. She is an excellent journalist (the reason I was happy to spend time talking to her), and she has taken the best ideas of many keen observers of the foibles of us humans and set them down in language that is so easy to understand that it is a joy to read. (How many people would be able to take the idea of projective identification and explain it in ordinary, nonjargonish language so that it is perfectly intelligible?)

The readability is enhanced by scores of case illustrations. At random, I selected twenty pages in the middle of the book and counted a dozen case histories. These are augmented by the cases supplied by her panel of experts and her thorough review of the subject matter. I hope this work finds a wide audience.

H AROLD I. L IEF , M.D.

Professor of Psychiatry

University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine

Specialist in Marital and Sex Therapy at the Pennsylvania Hospital

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

T HERE IS no adequate way to thank the experts I consulted who were so generous with their time. The knowledge they imparted to me during personal interviews made this book deeper and broader than it could have been otherwise. The wisdom of those who were quoted, as well as those who werent, but who contributed in significant ways to my overall understanding of sex in long-term relationships, is the cornerstone of this book. They are, in alphabetical order:

BERTA ANAGNOSTE, M.D. ; Clinical Assistant Professor of Psychiatry, New York University Medical Center; psychiatrist in private practice, New York City and Denville, New Jersey

ROMAN ANSHIN, M.D. ; Clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry, University of Southern California School of Medicine, Los Angeles; member, Board of Trustees, American Academy of Psychoanalysis

REBECCA BLACK, M.A. ; private practice of psychotherapy and sex therapy, San Francisco

ERNEST BRUNI, PH.D. ; private practice of psychotherapy, Los Angeles

HARVEY CAPLAN, M.D. ; private practice of psychotherapy and sex therapy, San Francisco

JOSHUA GOLDEN, M.D. ; Professor of Psychiatry and Director, Human Sexuality Program, UCLA Center for Health Sciences; private practice, Santa Monica, California

FRED GOTTLIEB, M.D. ; Associate Professor of Psychiatry, UCLA; Director, Family Therapy Institute of Southern California, Los Angeles

HELEN SINGER KAPLAN, M.D., PH.D. ; Director, Human Sexuality Program, New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Center, New York City; specialist in sexual disorders, New York City

OTTO KERNBERG, M.D.; Medical Director, New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Center, Westchester Division, White Plains, New York

HAROLD I. LIEF, M.D. ; Professor of Psychiatry, University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine; Specialist in Marital and Sex Therapy at the Pennsylvania Hospital; private practice, Philadelphia

JAY MANN, PH.D. ; Director, Family Program, Veterans Administration Medical Center, Palo Alto, California (It was with great sorrow that I learned of the death of Dr. Mann soon after the completion of this book)

GAYLA MARGOLIN, PH.D. ; Associate Professor of Psychology, University of Southern California, Los Angeles

EDWARD L. PARSONS, M.D.; Clinical Assistant Professor of Psychiatry, New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Center; psychiatrist in private practice, New York City and Westfield, New Jersey

RAUL C. SCHIAVI, M.D.; Director, Human Sexuality Program, Mount Sinai Medical Center, New York City

BERNIE ZILBERGELD, PH.D. ; Codirector of Clinical Training, Human Sexuality Program, University of California, San Francisco

An enormous contribution to this book was made also by the many men and women I interviewed who, with remarkable honesty, shared the details of their sex lives with me. Because they were guaranteed anonymity they cannot be thanked by name, but my gratitude to them is herewith acknowledged.