Sandy Silverthorne - The Big Book of Crack Yourself Up Jokes for Kids

Q: Whats red and smells like blue paint? A: Red paint. Q: What kind of lights did Noah use on the ark? A: Flood lights. Q: Where do pencils go on vacation? A: Pencilvania. Q: What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? A: SUPPLIES! Q: What did the ocean say to the shore? A: Nothing; it just waved. Q: What do porcupines say when they kiss? A: Ouch. If Ella from Ella Enchanted married Darth Vader would she be Ella Vader? Mason: How can you make sure you never wake up sleepy and grumpy? Jason: Dont have a sleepover with the Seven Dwarfs.

Bill: My grades are underwater. Phil: What do you mean? Bill: Theyre below C level. Terry: When they built the Great Wall of China, where did the workers go for supplies? Jerry: Wal-Mart, of course. If Cardinal Sicola were to become the pope, would he be Pope Sicola? Q: What did the hamburger name his daughter? A: Patty. Jim: Why do birds fly south for the winter? Tim: Its so much faster than walking. Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? A: Same middle name.

Q: What do you call a pile of kittens? A: A meowtain. Q: Whats red and goes up and down? A: A tomato in an elevator. Did you hear about the corduroy pillows? Theyre making headlines. Little Girl: Mommy, youve got some gray hairs. Mom: Yes, every time you dont behave, I get another gray hair. Little Girl: Is that why Grandma has so many? Ron: Come see this photo of my aunt.

Don: Thats a picture of a fish! Ron: I know. Its my anchovy! Teacher: Samuel, use the word boycott in a sentence. Samuel: The boycott four fish and his sister only caught three. Teacher: Sophie, use the word information in a sentence. Sophie: Ducks fly information when theyre heading south. A guy walks into a lawyers office and asks what he charges.

I charge $1,000 for three questions, the lawyer answered. Wow, thats pretty expensive isnt it? the man said. Yes it is, said the lawyer. Whats your third question? I couldnt believe it when the Highway Department called my dad a thief. But when I got home all the signs were there. Knock, knock.

Whos there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in! Were freezing out here! Knock, knock. Whos there? Pizza. Pizza who? Pizza really great guy, dont you think? Knock, knock. Whos there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes your father speaking.

Open the door! Man: Doctor, youve got to help me. Im convinced Im a cocker spaniel. Psychiatrist: Come in and lie down on the couch. Man: I cant. Im not allowed on the furniture! Q: Why did the skeleton stay home from the dance? A: Because he had no-body to go with him. Q: What music scares balloons? A: Pop music.

Donny: So what are you doing today? Lonny: Nothing. Donny: Nothing? Thats what you did all day yesterday. Lonny: I know. Im not finished yet. Q: Why is England so wet? A: Because the Queen has reigned there for years. Braeden: I just got two cupcakes for my brother. Braeden: I just got two cupcakes for my brother.

Caden: Wow, that was a good swap. My doctor told me to play 18 holes every day. So I took up the harmonica. Did you hear about the missing barber? Police are combing the city. Len: I fell off a thirty-foot ladder yesterday. Ben: Wow! Are you okay? Len: Yeah, I was only on the second rung.

Knock, knock. Whos there? Radio. Radio who? Radio not, here I come! Knock, knock. Whos there? Old Lady. Old Lady who? Wow, you can yodel! Q: What kind of cars do kittens drive? A: Catillacs. Q: What goes Tick Tick Woof Woof? A: A Watchdog. Q: What goes Tick Tick Woof Woof? A: A Watchdog.

Ed: Why did the soft drink can presser quit his job? Ned: Because it was soda pressing. Q: What has three letters and starts with gas? A: A car. Patient: Doctor, I feel like a butterfly. Psychiatrist: Have you always felt this way? Patient: No, a couple years ago I felt like a caterpillar. Q: What do a dog and a telephone have in common? A: Both have a collar ID. Q: What do you call a dinosaur with a good vocabulary? A: A Thesaurus.

Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea? A: Because if they flew over the bay theyd be called bagels! Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter? A: Sue. Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a giraffe? A: An animal who wakes people who live on the top floor. Q: Why are dogs such bad dancers? A: They have two left feet. Diner: Waiter, do you have frog legs? Waiter: Yes. Diner: Then hop over here and take my order. Diner: Waiter, whats this fly doing in my soup? Waiter: It appears to be the backstroke.