Andy Seed - The Silly Book of Weird and Wacky Words

To Sam and Megan IMPORTANT: The author and publisher recommend enabling SafeSearch when using the Internet in conjunction with this book. We can accept no responsibility for information published on the Internet. This electronic edition published in 2015 by Bloomsbury Publishing Plc Poem
From Alligator Pie (Macmillan of Canada 1974; Key Porter Books, 2001).
Copyright 1974 Dennis Lee. With permission of the author. Published 2015 by Bloomsbury Publishing Plc 50 Bedford Square, London, WC1B 3DP www.bloomsbury.com Bloomsbury is a registered trademark of Bloomsbury Publishing Plc ISBN 978-1-4088-5338-2
ePub ISBN: 978-1-4088-6685-6 Copyright 2015 Bloomsbury Publishing Plc Text 2015 Andy Seed Illustrations 2015 Scott Garrett Additional illustrations Shutterstock A CIP record for this book is available from the British Library. All rights reserved
You may not copy, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (including without limitation electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, printing, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Any person who does any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages. To find out more about our authors and books visit www.bloomsbury.com. Here you will find extracts, author interviews, details of forthcoming events and the option to sign up for our newsletters. Introduction Some people play with footballs, some people play with cards, some people play with their food and some people (the best people) play with words. Wordplay involves all sorts of things: jokes, poems, puns, riddles, making up phrases, messing around with spellings, twisting peoples tongues and thinking of comical names and much more than that too. The important thing about wordplay is that its FUN.

This book has more words in it than you can fit on the bulbous belly of a blue whale: it has absolutely oodles, preposterous piles, ludicrous lashings, stonking stacks of the stuff, including wordplay games to try. Its all here, ready for you to enjoy what are you waiting for? JUICY JOKES AND RIDDLES Everybody loves a good joke and many of the best jokes use wordplay to make us chortle. But dont worry, there are none of those dreadful dad puns here, just clever wit, cheeky riddles, new takes on old favourites and lots of loopy lines to leave you laughing. One-liners One-liners are short jokes that often fool around with language. Unlike many jokes, they dont use the Q&A format. You cant have everything; where would you put it? I heard about a man whose whole left side was cut off but hes all right now. You cant have everything; where would you put it? I heard about a man whose whole left side was cut off but hes all right now.

Police station toilet stolen the cops have nothing to go on. Archaeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins. Its bad luck to be superstitious. Im going to get to school on time, no matter how long it takes! Wildlife wit Animals are a favourite topic for jokes well, they cant answer back, can they? Enjoy these: Why do cats chase birds? For a lark. What do you get if you cross a Crocodile and a hyena? I dont know but Ill join in if it laughs. What looks like half a camel? The other half.

What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla? An animal that puts you out at night. Why did the whale cross the road? To get to the other tide. What did the spider say to the bee? Your honey or your life. When does a duck go moo? When its learning a new language. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a skunk? Rid of it. Whats the best way to keep milk from turning sour? Leave it inside the cow.

Bumper stickers Bumper stickers are funny slogans stuck on the back of cars and trucks. Often they are something to do with driving but sometimes they are just short jokes. Follow that car, Godzilla and step on it! Sorry for driving so close in front of you. Of all the things Ive lost,
I miss my mind the most. Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.

Honk if you see parts fall off. Dont use shampoo demand real poo. Corduroy pillows are making headlines. GRAVITY ALWAYS GETS ME DOWN. Money is the root of all evil for more info send me 5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

No one is listening until you fart. Riddles to untwiddle Can you work out the solution to these natty riddles? . What can you catch but not throw? What has a neck but no head? What has a face and two hands but no arms or legs? What can you hold but not touch? What has to be broken before you can use it? What is it that, after you take away the whole, some still remains? What kind of tree can you carry in your hand? What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Brain-ache riddles These word puzzles are harder than the previous ones. Maybe try them out on a handy adult . What begins with T, ends with T and has T in it? What loses its head in the morning but gets it back at night? What goes around the world but stays in a corner? What is so delicate that even saying its name breaks it? Whats tall when its young and short when its old? What can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, has a head but never weeps, has a bed but never sleeps? You must use it to change it. If you lose it youre out of it.

What is it? What are always fast, next to last, never there, everywhere? Nutty riddles These riddles are silly, but fun too. How many can you get? . 1. What word begins and ends with an e but only has one letter? 2. What type of cheese is made backwards? 3. Which letter of the alphabet has the most water? 4.

What starts with a P, ends with an E and has thousands of letters? 5. Forwards its heavy but backwards its not. What is it? 6. What kind of coat can only be put on when wet? 7. Can you name two days starting with T besides Tuesday and Thursday? 8. If you take four eggs from nine eggs, how many do you have? 9.

Where does yesterday follow today, with tomorrow between them? Top notch knock knocks Sometimes the old ones are the best. And sometimes they are the worst Knock knock. Whos there? Cook. Cook who? Thats the first one Ive heard this year. Knock knock. Whos there? Howard.

Howard who? Howard I know? Knock knock. Whos there? Tank. Tank who? Youre welcome. Knock knock. Whos there? Yoda Lady. Yoda Lady who? I didnt know you could yodel.

Knock knock Whos there? Toodle. Toodle who? But Ive only just arrived! New ones And here are some new knock knock jokes Knock knock. Whos there? Want. Want who? three, four, whos that knocking at my door? Knock knock. Whos there? Nasty. Nasty who? SHOCK! Knock knock.

Whos there? Whats up. Whats up who? Well, its brown and smelly . Knock knock. Whos there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock. Whos there? Banana.

Banana who? Knock knock. Whos there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock. Whos there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didnt say banana? Doctor, Doctor! These medical jokes have been around for ages but new ones are being invented all the time. Doctor, doctor I think Im a pirate.