David Borgenicht - Monkeyfarts!. Wacky Jokes Every Kid Should Know

2012 by Quirk Productions, Inc.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.
Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Number: 2012934570

eISBN: 978-1-59474-610-9

Designed by Doogie Horner
Illustrations by Brian Biggs
Production management by John J. McGurk

Quirk Books
215 Church St.
Philadelphia, PA 19106
quirkbooks.com

v3.1

This book is dedicated
to my own two
comedians, Sophie
and Max. You make
me laugh every day.

FOUR CAVEMEN are sitting around a fire, eating their latest kill.

One of them stands up, raises his food, and says, Oooogah! Everyone cracks up and continues eating. Another caveman stands up, raises his food, and says, Ooooooooogah! The group cracks up again. A third caveman stands, raises his food, and says, Ooooogah oooogah! Everyone rolls on the floor of the cave in laughter.

Not wanting to be left out, a fourth caveman stands and says, Ooooogah oooogah oooogah! There is complete silenceno laughter at all. Embarrassed, he sits back down.

After an uncomfortable silence, the third caveman turns to the fourth caveman, pats him on the back, and whispers, Dont worry about it. Some people can tell a joke, and some people cant.

Just then, the fourth caveman emits a huge fart that echoes throughout the cave.

Everyone rolls on the floor in laughter.

Ive still got it! says the fourth caveman.

Welcome to Monkeyfarts! the ultimate unscientifically kid-tested and parent-approved joke book. Every joke in here has been read, told, and laughed at by kids (and a handful of adults). Every joke in here is guaranteed to make someone laugh.

Heres hoping that someone is you.

Four Outstanding Fart Jokes

Whats invisible and
smells like bananas?
Monkeyfarts!

How are a firefly and
an aliens farts alike?
They both glow in the dark.

What happened to the blind skunk?
He fell in love with a fart.

Whats invisible, smelly,
and hangs in a museum?
Fartwork.

Four Di-stink-tive
(get it?) Bathroom Jokes

A BOY WAS AT A PUBLIC POOL and the lifeguard blew his whistle and yelled, Hey, quit peeing in the pool! The boy replied, But everybody does it! The lifeguard said, Not from the diving board.

A LITTLE BOY WAS ABOUT TO sit on the toilet when an elf appeared in the toilet bowl.

How long have you been in there? asked the boy.
Many moons, said the elf.

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh.

What flies through the air, says supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, and smells terrible?

Mary Poopins.

A POLICEMAN SEES A MAN walking down the street with four penguins. He says to the man, Sir, are those your pet penguins? Yes, says the man. Well, you should take those penguins to the zoo! says the cop. Good idea, says the man. And off they go. The next day the policeman sees the man again, and hes still with the penguins. But they are all wearing sunglasses. Didnt I tell you to take those penguins to the zoo? says the policeman. Yes! replies the man. I did! And they liked it so much that today were going to the beach!

Three Stellar Snail Jokes

A MAN IS WATCHING TV when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and doesnt see anyone at firstthen he looks down and sees a snail sitting there. He picks up the snail and throws it into the garden. Three months later, hes sitting and watching TV again when he hears another knock. He opens the door and sees the snail sitting there again. Now what did you do that for? asks the snail.

What did the snail say when he
climbed onto the turtles back?

Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

A TURTLE IS OUT FOR A WALK when hes mugged by four snails. After recovering his wits, he goes to make a police report. Can you describe the snails? asks the officer. Not very well, replies the turtle. It all happened so fast.

Five Classic Chicken Jokes

Why did the chicken
cross the road?
To get to the other side.

Why did the chewing
gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken.

Why did the chicken
cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

What do you call a chicken
at the North Pole?
Lost.

Is chicken soup good for you?
Not if youre a chicken.

A FATHER HAS JUST PUT his son Max to bed. Five minutes later, Max calls out, Da-ad His father goes into Maxs room and asks, What? Max says, Im thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water? No. Its time for lights-out, says the dad. Five minutes go by and Max calls out again. Da-aaaad Getting frustrated, his father goes back into Maxs room. What? Im thirsty! Can I have a glass of water? I told you no! the father says. If you ask again Im going to have to spank you! The father leaves the room. Five minutes later, Max calls out again. Daaaa-aaaAAAAD WHAT??!! yells the father from downstairs. When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?

Three A Blank Walks
into a Blank Jokes

A horse walks into a diner, sits down, and says, Id like a bowl of apples, please. The waitress says, OK, but why the long face?

A man walks into a bar and says, OW!

A PIG WALKS INTO A RESTAURANT and orders ten sodas. He drinks them all, one right after the other. When he finishes the last one, the waiter says, Dont you need to know where the bathroom is? The pig says, No, I go wee wee wee all the way home.

Seven Awesome Animal Riddles

How do you know if theres an
elephant under your bed?

You bump your nose on the ceiling.

What do giraffes have
that no other animal has?
Baby giraffes.

What do you get when you cross a daffodil
with a crocodile?
I dont know, but whatever it is, dont sniff it.

What says quick, quick?
A duck with hiccups.

What did one flea say to the other flea
as they were heading out?
Shall we walk or take the dog?

How does a hammerhead shark
use a hammer?
He doesnt need one. Hes a shark.