Jessa Zimmerman - Sex Without Stress: A couple’s guide to overcoming disappointment, avoidance & pressure

SEX

WITHOUT STRESS

A couples guide to overcoming

disappointment, avoidance, and pressure

Jessa Zimmerman

MA, LMHC, CST

Copyright 2018 by Jessa Zimmerman

1st edition, September 2018

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced by any mechanical, photographic, or electronic process, or in the form of a phonographic recording; nor may it be stored in a retrieval system, transmitted, or otherwise be copied for public or private useother than for fair use as brief quotations embodied in articles and reviewswithout prior written permission of the author.

The author of this book does not dispense medical or psychological advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, medical, or psychological problems without the advice of a physician or psychologist, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional, physical, and sexual well-being and not as a substitute for advice or treatment that may or should be prescribed by a physician or therapist. Some sexual difficulties may be caused by medical problems. A thorough medical examination is always wise, and if you believe you have a medical problem, consult a doctor promptly. Before adhering to any information or recommendations given here, you should consult your physician or therapist. In the event you choose to use any of the information in this book for yourself, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions or results.

Case examples are composites of cases from clinical practice.

ISBN-13: 978-1-7321646-0-4 (Print Book)

ISBN-13: 978-1-7321646-1-1 (eBook)

Cover design by John Thompson

Artwork by Darko Hristov

Interior text design and printing by Gorham Printing

Printed in the United States of America

Kirkland, WA

www.legacyoneauthors.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Zimmerman, Jessa.

Title: Sex without stress; a couples guide to overcoming disappointment, avoidance, and pressure / Jessa Zimmerman.

1. Intimacy (Psychology) 2. Sexual health. 3. Sexual behavior and attitudes; Sexuality 4. Sexual desire disorders

ADVANCE PRAISE FOR SEX WITHOUT STRESS

Whether being in a couple or working with couples, skill, perseverance and perspective are always important. Jessa Zimmerman, an expert in counseling couples, has written a much-needed book about couples. Her book is accessible and insightful. Her advice is never formulaic but instead focuses on thoughtful and practical discussions about growing as a couple. Ive wanted to refer to a book like this for a long time. So glad and not a moment too soon, Zimmerman has written it. I give it my highest recommendation!

Sallie Foley, Director, University of Michigan Sexual Health Certificate Program & Co-author, Sex Matters for Women

Jessa Zimmerman takes the reader through a straightforward and no-nonsense journey, highlighting the most common struggles that couples experience. This book identifies the top issues with which couples struggle: from defining what sex is or should be, desire discrepancies and differences in couples sexual styles. She clearly maintains that it is essential for each partner to be accountable for themselvesand to each otherto follow the useful action steps she walks them through that are necessary to bypass avoidance, disappointment and pressure.

Dr. Joe Kort, LMSW, Author & Speaker

A definitive resource that helps couples face and identify the pain of lost sexual intimacy. Jessa bridges the gap between sexual desire and sexual despair as she offers concrete methods to stop avoiding sex. Her techniques clearly outline ways to have sex without stress that are accessible to all couples, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. As a sex therapist, I highly recommend this book as it pursues reducing the pressure and finding the pleasure of sex.

Edy Nathan MA, LCSWR, CST

Over the last 40 years, I have met many good couples struggling to become great, trying to recapture the passion they had when they first met. Sexual problems are common over a long-term relationship. Many couples avoid sharing their personal feelings about their sexuality, failing to address the personal barriers to recapturing that loving lust. Jessa Zimmermans book addresses just that, helping couples who avoid sex to find transparency and willingness to share and explore oneself and each others sexual map. Sex Without Stress can help your love life become great again.

Dr. Kevin Seymour, Clinical Psychologist

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I am so grateful that I have so many people to thank for their contributions to this project.

Thanks to my partner, Kevin Makela, for his unending support. His continual votes of confidence, his unwavering belief in me, and his commitment to doing everything he could to help me get this done have been essential.

Thank you to my children. I love them more than anything, and they are the reason I do everything. A special thanks to Emma who provided the first (and very impactful) edit of this book.

Thank you to my coach, Jessica Butts. She promised me that if I wrote my book, I would get clear about my point of view and what I have to offer the world. I believe her now.

Thank you to Dr. Elizabeth Larson for introducing me to the concept of the Giver/Receiver exercise.

Thank you to my editor, Joshua Moro. He has done an amazing job of making the book so much better without diluting my voice or my message at all. In fact, by some sort of magic, his work has made them somehow even more mine.

Thank you to all the clients who have shared their stories, their pain, and their journey with me. They have inspired me in my work. This book is for them and for all the others that have known heartbreak in their sex lives.

CONTENTS

CHAPTER 1

Help Is Here: An Introduction

The most effective and powerful way to develop as a person and to change your relationship is to make the changes required to transform your sex life. That is why, from the beginning, I focused my therapy practice almost exclusively on working with couples and their sexual issues. Subsequently, Ive assisted hundreds of couples in their work to reconnect intimately, emotionally, and sexually. I have been granted access to the inner workings of relationships and sex in a way few people ever experience. Over years of dedication to this field, I have developed ways to think about sex (and whats important about it) that create permission, freedom, and lightness in a relationship instead of heaviness and pressure. My practical exercises help people learn how to bring these ideas to fruition and apply them in their sexual lives. This is what I will share with you here.

Are you avoiding your sex life? I want to help.

If youve picked up this book, I imagine that you are unhappy about the state of your sex life. Perhaps in your relationship, sex is not working well. You love your partner, and you know sex matters, but sex has become a source of hurt, doubt, and confusion. I also imagine youre anxious about confronting the topic of sex with your partner. You have no idea what youll find or where the conversation will go. Its scary when you feel like sex isnt working. It often causes you to doubt yourself, your partner, and your relationship. Frequently, its the thing keeping you awake with worry at 4 a.m. The human tendency is to avoid whatever scares us, so I imagine you and/or your partner are avoiding sex at this point. Youre not happy, your partners not happy, you cant talk about it productively, and the problems are palpable between you. This is the proverbial elephant in the room, and it is crowding out the positive parts of your relationship.