Fleming - The serious business of small talk: becoming fluent, comfortable, and charming

The Serious Business of Small Talk

Copyright 2018 by Carol Fleming

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First Edition

Paperback print edition ISBN 978-1-5230-9405-9

PDF e-book ISBN 978-1-5230-9406-6

IDPF e-book ISBN 978-1-5230-9407-3

2018-1

Text designer: Valerie Brewster, VJB/Scribe

Cover/jacket designer: Susan Malikowski, DesignLeaf Studio

Editor: Lunaea Weatherstone

Proofreader: Karen Hill Green

Indexer: Paula C. Durbin-Westby

Book producer: Linda Jupiter Productions

The best way to become good at small talk is not to talk small at all.

Keith Ferrazzi, Never Eat Alone

INTRODUCTION
How Do You Do?

CONCLUSION
Small Talk Just May Be Bigger than You Think

HOW NICE TO MEET YOU!

My name is Carol Fleming.

I am a communication coach: I help people talk better.

Thank you for the opportunity to show you around the world of small talk.

Ive got information, advice, stories, examples, surprises, and a bit of sass.

And you are...?

Im guessing you are a person who would like to get a lot more comfortable with starting the kind of social small talk that leads to good conversations. You see other people who are apparently at ease and fluent and you want to be like them. You probably have not had the opportunity to learn these skillsand they are learnablemuch less practice them, and you are ready to get started.

Your motivation is really important to me because for this to work we need to change some attitudes and try some new behaviors. Thats challenging for a lot of people. You might be thinking right now about whats in it for you and whether its worth it to take this challenge. Give me a few minutes and if you like what you read, then take that leap with me.

There are three important things about small talk that strike me (and that I hope will strike you):

1. Small talk is a required aspect of relationship building (social and professional) and community building.

2. It is also a despised form of communication, regarded as superficial and unworthy of an intelligent person.

3. Furthermore, no one seems to regard it as a feature of human communication that can be studied, practiced, and improved.

No wonder we all have social anxiety!

In contrast, people do understand that public speaking, in all its various forms, is both important and scary and that they can overcome much of their discomfort by getting some helpclasses, consultations, whatever. Most folks know that their voices can be improved, vocabulary increased, and speeches better organized.

But small talk is like the brown water that comes out of the tap when you first turn it on. Oh, yuck! Get the empty chatter over and get on with the good stuff!

Why cant we just talk about the good stuff?

Now were getting to the heart of it. Why cant we, indeed?

Heres a clue why: Imagine I walk up to you, a complete stranger, and say, Werent the Warriors great last night? Perhaps youll agree with me and shake my hand and well be great buddies right away discussing the righteousness of Steph Currys salary. Or, more likely, you just shake your head and wonder about that crazy lady who just accosted you.

Small talk is about getting permission to engage in verbal intercourse and have a consensual conversation on a topic of mutual interest.

Small talk is the verbal warm-up for the big talk.

True that, but its stand-alone utility also goes unrecognized. Small talk is ubiquitous and assumedso much so that we dont even recognize it as a specific form of communication that has a crucial function all its own.

In focusing our attention on these unique characteristics, Ill use a number of similes to guide your thinking. Heres my first one: Small talk is like tofueasily digestible, readily available, and utterly bland, taking on the flavor of whatever context in which it is found, be it a Thanksgiving dinner, a professional conference, or a tractor pull. Chew on that for a while.

Here are few more points to chew on:

There is no communication skill more important in the world than small talk.

You love small talk. Yes, you do. Theres just that one little bit with strangers that throws you off. Ill show you how to handle that.

Social anxiety may have you in its clutches now, but you dont have to stay there. Youve feared other things in your life and have overcome them. Remember swimming lessons?

This book is all about the many facets of small talk, the art form of conversation. I offer some guidelines that have helped my clients and that just might be exactly what you need to gain confidence and comfort in social situations. Youll soon meet people like Leo and Ben who were important teachers for me, and youll find quite a few authors in the bibliography who taught me a thing or two. Or three. But remember, there are no rigid rules (usually), but there are courtesies, rituals, considerations, and the common sense that you probably already have.

So, lets start our exploration of the brown water (or tofu) of our communication repertoire. In : The Basics, well sharpen our focus on the problems youre facing with small talk, followed by some suggestions of things you can do at home that will make a huge difference in your social comfort when you are outside among people, especially strangers. Things like how to approach people and initiate small talk, followed by the skills of turning that chat into real conversation.

In : Becoming Even More Fluent, Comfortable, and Charming, well go over specific social applications, like how to introduce yourself and others, how to carry on small talk with more than one person, and, very importantly, how to make a graceful exit.