Krystal Mazzola - The Codependency Recovery Plan: A 5-Step Guide to Understand, Accept, and Break Free from the Codependent Cycle

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To my mother: There are no words for how blessed I feel that our relationship is stronger and healthier than I ever imagined. Thank you so much for focusing on your own healingso I could do the sameand thank you for your unwavering support of me so I could accomplish my dreams.

Contents

Getting to the place in my life where I was ready to write a book on codependency was a culmination of years spent learning, helping others recover, and personally becoming interdependent myself. My family has struggled with codependency multigenerationally (long before we as a society had the language to describe what was happening). I personally grew up in an alcoholic and abusive home. Because my mother, who had me as a teenager, was fixated on pleasing her own emotionally demanding and critical motheras well as placating my ex-stepfather, who was the financial providerthere were no boundaries to protect me from the abuse at home. Both my mother and my grandmother modeled that cruelty is permissible so long as the perpetrator meets your basic needs of food, shelter, and clothing. As a child I would comment at times on what I saw as inappropriate, confusing, or cruel. I didnt think telling the truth was brave or foolish; I was just driven to speak out. However, I was reproached for my desire to air dirty laundry within the family. The pain of being treated as a scapegoat led me to eventually understand that I was expected to stay silent at any cost to keep others comfortable.

Having my voice seen as burdensome led me to believe that I was bad, worthless, and unlovable. It took me many years to reclaim my voice and discover my inherent worth. Prior to my recovery, the depressing landscape of my codependency led me to contemplate suicide for many years and to attract numerous abusive relationships into my life because I felt I was worth so little. I didnt know exactly how, but there was a driving force inside of me that was committed to healing. I felt it was truly possible to break the patterns of abuse and disempowerment; I just needed to find my way out. My recovery began over 10 years ago, when I began to reconnect with my sense of self through traditional therapy, massage therapy, reiki, and journaling. This process deepened as I developed a meditation practice, began to care for my body through healthy eating and exercise, and prioritized connecting more with others in my life.

Helping myself and others heal became my lifes mission. I was compelled to become a couples and family therapist because I knew intimately that our closest relationships greatly impact our sense of self and ability to have a happy life. My personal experience sparked an emerging interest in and understanding of how codependency can fundamentally impact quality of life, self-confidence, and the ability to connect with others, but it was my training and work at The Meadows with Pia Mellody that solidified my choice to focus on this area. During my time guiding people through the Survivors Workshop at The Meadows to address childhood trauma, I realized that the symptoms of codependencynamely, not knowing, liking, or trusting the selflead to incredible pain and self-destructive tendencies.

Early in my career as a therapist, I believed (inaccurately) that we heal by discussing our problems until something inside us breaks open and, magically, we are whole. However, after working with my first clients, I realized that while naming the problem helps us begin to outline a road map toward healing, it does not do the work of healing for us. Many of us are very good at describing our problems, but often this leads us to feel stuck and powerless. Talking about solutions and positive options is more effective than continually talking about whats wrong. It was with this understanding that I wrote this book. The first two chapters discuss the history of codependency, its symptoms, and the factors that contribute to its development, and the rest of the book details your pathway out.

While you read this book, you may find yourself feeling angry about situations, family dynamics, or cultural narratives in your life that contributed to your belief that you must stay small and quiet, which may have led to the development of your codependency. It is very important to allow yourself to feel this anger but then to remember that you have options now. Entering recovery is about claiming your personal sense of power in this world, as you truly are capable of changing your life, your relationship with yourself, and even many of the relationships with others in your life.