David Delvin - Sex: How to make it better

First published in Great Britain 2013

Copyright 2013 Hearst Magazines UK (The National Magazine Company Limited)

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ISBN: 978-1-905563-75-3

Published by Hearst Magazines UK (The National Magazine Company Limited), 72 Broadwick Street, London W1F 9EP All rights reserved. You may not copy, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (including without limitation electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, printing, recording or otherwise), without the prior permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

David Delvin qualified as a doctor from King's College Hospital London, and then took further training in family planning, venereology and psychosexual medicine. He has since pursued a twin career as media doctor and as a sex expert.

David is the author of 33 books, and has made over 900 TV appearances. His standard textbook The Book of Love sold over a million copies worldwide, and has been translated into nine languages. Some of his work is also available in Braille.

Among his various prizes are the Consumer Columnist of the Year Award of 1986 (for his long-running column in She magazine), the Tony Thistlethwaite award for the Medical Journalists' Association's leading medical book of 2010, the American Medical Writers' Association 'Best Book' Award, and the Medal of the City of Paris (chelon argent), awarded by Jacques Chirac.

He has been married to Christine Webber for almost 25 years.

Christine Webber is a psychotherapist, writer and broadcaster. She trained in integrative psychotherapy at Regent's College, and later took a London University diploma in cognitive behaviour therapy at Goldsmiths College. Additionally, she holds several qualifications in coaching. She has a private practice in Harley Street.

Christine was a leading news presenter for Anglia Television throughout the 80s - which is where she met Dr David Delvin. Together, they hosted a regular medical slot on the flagship programme 'About Anglia'. Subsequently, she became an agony aunt for a wide range of publications, including TV Times , The Scotsman and Woman .

Christine has been a relationship expert on numerous TV programmes, including 'Am I Good In Bed?', 'The Good Sex Guide Late', 'Trisha', 'Dating the Enemy', 'The Wright Stuff' and 'BBC Breakfast'. She has written 11 self-help books, the most recent being How to Mend a Broken Heart and Too Young to Get Old - an inspirational guide for today's sassy, female baby boomer.

Christine and David have worked for Netdoctor since its beginning in 2000.

Welcome to Sex: How to Make It Better , which provides our answers to a selection of the questions which are most frequently raised by Netdoctor users.

Sex problems are common - so common that doctors and therapists who work in this field tend to be swamped with enquiries! There are no accurate figures for the incidence of sexual difficulties, but it's worth noting that in America, many doctors believe that about 43% of women have a sexual dysfunction.

We don't actually agree with that extraordinary figure, but our experience indicates that in Britain tens of thousands of men and women do sometimes need a little help with their sex lives. To give you an example, one of our surveys showed that roughly 10% of British men have trouble with premature ejaculation ('hair-trigger syndrome').

People can get very embarrassed, or even depressed, when things don't go well for them in bed. Indeed, we have occasionally seen men and women who were virtually suicidal as a result of their sexual difficulties. And all they needed was a little help.

Yes, the really good news is that most sex problems can be solved. Treatments have improved enormously in recent years. Indeed, we have often seen people whose love-lives have been transformed for the better as a result of seeing a good therapist at Relate or a similar organisation, or just from reading some simple, practical advice about sexual technique.

So we hope that this Netdoctor book will help you to enjoy a very happy and fulfilling sex life.

Dr David Delvin & Christine Webber

A virgin and confused about sex

Question

I am a virgin. My relationship of 10 months has just ended. Throughout our relationship we did not have sex, but were just intimate. I did not want full sex because I planned to wait until it felt right. I didn't want to have regrets like my friends have. But after a while, I began to fall in love with him, and trust him, and started to want sex. However, at this point my boyfriend said he didn't love me and we split up. He said he had wanted sex. He is a really nice guy and didn't want to push me - but now I wish he had. We didn't break up because of the lack of sex. I feel so full of regret that I didn't take the chance to sleep with him while we were together. Now I've lost my first love and am still a virgin. It makes me so upset when I think about it all. I wanted him to be my first and it could have happened but it didn't, because of me. Another reason we didn't have sex is because I'm so scared. It wasn't normal nerves, but fear. This did lessen when I felt I trusted him, but it never went away.

When he used to give me oral sex, it used to make me feel sick. I hated the idea of what he was doing. When I think about sex, I do want to have it and have great orgasms, but the idea of the mechanics of sex, the results of sex and the sheer idea of sex makes me cringe, and feel sick and depressed.

I wish I had explored this more when we were together; now I will never know. What if I never find anyone else to love and who loves me? What if I never have sex because the chances never arise or because I'm too scared? It's making me so upset, I can't eat, sleep and I cry all the time, both at the lost of my boyfriend and because I could have made so much out of the time we had together. Would it be wrong to have sex with him now that we have broken up? I feel so consumed by it all I don't know what to do.

Answer

David writes:

I think that you really need the help of an older, much more experienced person to help you deal with your (if you'll forgive my saying so) rather 'old fashioned' attitudes to sex. Some long chats with a woman doctor or nurse would be invaluable. An obvious place to go would be the Brook advisory service for young people - www.brook.org.

Christine adds:

Yes I do agree that getting help from Brook would be the best possible idea for you.

Meanwhile, I don't think it would be appropriate or desirable for you to ask this young man to have full sex with you at this time. Your emotions are very mixed up, and I don't feel you should complicate them further by introducing sexual intercourse into the situation.

You are doing something that many of us do when we're upset - which is to make a situation worse by thinking so negatively about it. It's entirely normal to feel sad at the end of a loving relationship. But you are thinking things like: no one else will ever want me. And: I'll never have sex. Now, the fact is that these thoughts are quite irrational as you can't possibly know whether you'll ever have another good relationship. Or whether or not you'll ever have sex. But I can tell you this: the chances that you will are very great indeed! So you would benefit from trying to think straighter about what has happened.