Dr. Ron Welch - 10 Choices for a Better Marriage: How to Work through Struggles and Increase Joy Today

They were like so many couples I see in premarital therapy. For Paul and Grace, the future had never looked brighter. I fell in love with him the first time I saw those beautiful blue eyes, Grace gushed. The more I got to know him, the more I knew he was the only man for me. Paul was equally effusive in his praise. Grace completes me. She is everything I could ever want in a wife and a partner. Ive never felt this way about anyoneI have fallen totally and completely in love with her.

Arent engaged couples wonderful?! They are so certain their relationship is the best thing since sliced bread and so excited about their future together. The excitement of the engagement is followed by the wedding celebration and the blissful honeymoon. They feel they are riding a wave of happiness that will never end.

Not to burst this bubble of happiness, but lets take a closer look at what Paul referred to as falling in love. We use this phrase a lot. We have a Valentines Day image of Cupid shooting an arrow that hits us with such force that we have no choice but to fall in love. Think about it, though. Do we really fall in love?

I dont think so. In fact, I dont think it is a passive act at all. Love doesnt just happen to us. I would argue that love is a clear, intentional choice that we make. I believe it is more accurate to say, I choose to love you.

Jumping into Love

Maybe we dont have much control over that initial desire or interest that attracts us to another person. I know when I first saw the woman who would become my wife walk out in that black dress, I sure didnt feel like I had any control over what was happening to me. However, I wonder if those feelings are actually what love is. I think those feelings might be attraction or infatuation or desirebut not love.

It would be more accurate to say that we jump into love. When we literally fall, we view that as an accident; its certainly not something we intentionally wanted to happen. Love isnt an accident, nor is it a stroke of luck we are fortunate to experience. Rather, I believe love is more like being high up on the diving board at a swimming pool, looking down at the water far below, and making the choice to jump into the unknown.

Making that type of jump is not easy. You dont know what the end result will be, and that is what makes the decision scary. The great thing about diving, though, is that each time you make that dive and come back up to the surface, it is easier to do the next time. Choosing to love your partner is a skill you can learn, and the better you get at it, the less scary and out of control it feels.

I Choose to Love You

This lifelong choicethe I love you for better or for worse vow type of thingis definitely an intentional, repetitive choice. It is not a one-time choice you make when you stand in front of God and your family and friends and say, I do. This is a decision you make over and over again every day.

Choosing love is not just about the tough choices either, such as how many kids to have or where to live. These decisions get our attention because the consequences seem so big. You can probably point to several choices you have made in your relationship that have had a significant effect on your future.

Choosing love is the day-to-day decisions you make... where to go to dinner, whether to wash the dishes or pick up your socks, what television show to watch. This may be where love truly growswhere choosing love actually happens.

Perhaps choosing love is the choice to get up and calm the baby rather than go back to sleep and let your partner do it. Maybe choosing love is the choice to drive ten miles to get the kind of ice cream your spouse loves instead of the cheap kind at the store close to home. Choosing love can be seen in the choice to keep quiet rather than say that one thing you know will cause hurt and pain. In each of these decisions, you say, I choose to love you.