Elizabeth Janice - Be Assertive: The How-To Guide

A ssertiveness is a widely misunderstood concept. Many of us mistakenly equate assertiveness with being aggressive and overbearing. But assertiveness is actually the opposite. Assertive people are not afraid to speak their minds and ask for what they want, but are at the same time considerate of other peoples feelings. They are insistent, but also polite. They exude self-confidence, but they are never pushy or controlling.

If being assertive isnt easy for you, you are not alone. Many people, especially women, have a really hard time standing up for themselves in a calm, cool, effective manner. The reasons are myriad. Many of us were raised to believe that its not nice to put our own needs first. Others hesitate to speak up because we hate conflict or criticism, or dread the possibility of being embarrassed. Some of us go along with the crowd simply because we want to be liked. Whats more, many people harbor the misguided notion that we shouldnt have to ask that our friends, coworkers and family members should intuitively know what we want.

But you cant expect the other people in your life to be mind readers, and unless you dare to speak up, you risk going through life being unheard and feeling like a perpetual victim. Rather than being selfish, its actually a sign of strength if you can speak your mind clearly, and without apology, and ask for the things you want.

People who communicate in an assertive manner have greatly reduced levels of interpersonal conflict in their lives. Because their actions are based on mutual respect, they tend to have stronger, more supportive relationships. Indeed, assertiveness can have powerful positive effects on virtually every area of your life.

• Boost your self-esteem.
• Earn other peoples respect.
• Improve your communications and decision-making skills.
• Create win-win situations.
• Have healthier, more honest relationships.
• Increase your career satisfaction and success.
• Ward off anger, stress and high blood pressure.

Assertiveness may not come naturally to you, but the good news is that it is a skill that can be learned. Everyone can benefit from learning how to become more assertivefrom the passive wallflower who wants to stop being a doormat, to the aggressive bully who wants to learn how to be more tactful and accommodating.

You cant change years of conditioning overnight, but with practice, you can get more of the things you want. Of course, theres no guarantee that you will always get everything you desire, but you will get more of the things you ask for, and have more positive interactions with others, simply by mastering the art of assertiveness.

Chapter 2

I n a nutshell, assertiveness means looking out for your own rights while respecting the rights of others.

1. Passive.
2. Aggressive.
3. Passive-aggressive.
4. Assertive.

Assertiveness is the middle ground between aggression and passivity.

We all use different styles with different people and in different situations. For instance, you might be passive with your boss and passive-aggressive with your mother-in-law. But in general, we tend to lean toward one particular style.

If your main style is passive, youre a nice person who often gets taken advantage of by others. You hate conflict and have a hard time saying no, even to unreasonable requests. You go out of your way to avoid conflict and put your own needs last, so you routinely say things like, Its not a problem. You probably apologize a lot. You also tend to let little annoyances build up until you reach the breaking point, leaving the people around you feeling baffled because your anger seems to come out of nowhere.

You may think of yourself as a peacekeeper. But in reality, you are sending the message that your feelings and opinions are not as important as other peoples. This keeps you from having authentic relationships. Even worse, youre causing yourself to feel stressed, angry, resentful, and victimized.