Ashley Chesnut - Its Not Just You: Freeing Women to Talk about Sexual Sin and Fight It Well

Copyright 2021 by Ashley Chesnut

All rights reserved.

Printed in the United States of America

978-1-0877-1346-5

Published by B&H Publishing Group

Nashville, Tennessee

Dewey Decimal Classification: 155.3

Subject Heading: SEX (PSYCHOLOGY) / SEX ROLES / SEXUAL ETHICS

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Christian Standard Bible, Copyright 2017 by Holman Bible Publishers. Used by permission. Christian Standard Bible and CSB are federally registered trademarks of Holman Bible Publishers.

Scriptures marked esv are taken from the English Standard Bible. ESV Text Edition: 2016. Copyright 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.

Scriptures marked niv are taken from the New International Version, NIV Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Cover design by B&H Publishing Group.

Author photo by Caroline Elizabeth Film.

It is the Publishers goal to minimize disruption caused by technical errors or invalid websites. While all links are active at the time of publication, because of the dynamic nature of the internet, some web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed and may no longer be valid. B&H Publishing Group bears no responsibility for the continuity or content of the external site, nor for that of subsequent links. Contact the external site for answers to questions regarding its content.

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For my small group girls past and present.

It has been a privilege to journey alongside you and grow together as followers of Jesus. This book is one of the many ways God has used you in my lifeand now in the lives of others, and His work isnt finished.

To Him be the glory.

Do you remember a couple of weeks ago when I mentioned not feeling close to God?

The college student sitting in front of mewell call her Phoebetook a deep breath before continuing, I know we talked through several reasons for why this could be, but unconfessed and unrepentant sinthats it. Thats why I havent felt close to God.

Then she looked around to make sure others couldnt hear, and her voice dropped to a whisper as she revealed, I struggle with masturbation!

I vaguely remember her sinking back into the booth, relieved to finally get the words out, but she also nervously gazed at me, waiting on my response. Internally, I begged God to answer my James 1 prayer for wisdom because I had no idea what to say or do next.

As you can imagine, I did not anticipate our conversation taking that particular turn, but it was a huge moment for both of us. For her, it marked a point in her spiritual growth of confessing sin and pursuing holiness in all areas of her life. For me, that conversation launched me into the deep end of the pool of discipleship, and little did I know that the next month would plunge me deeper still.

The next conversation happened a couple of days later in the same college food court but with a different girlwell call her Whitney. She quickly jumped right in with her confession, ready to free herself of a secret. It turns out that Phoebe had shared her struggle with masturbation with one of her friendsWhitneyonly to learn that Whitney shared the same struggle!

Over the next couple of weeks, I discovered that many of the young ladies I discipled were dealing with sexual sin, some to an addiction level. By the end of the semester, I felt like Id experienced spiritual whiplash from all the confessions of sexual sin. I had no idea that masturbation was such a common struggle among women. Furthermore, most of the gals I discipled attended a Christian university, and they came across as good church girls. The more conversations I had, though, the more I discovered that these good church girlsalong with many of their friends, sorority sisters, and family memberswere entrenched in sexual sin, particularly masturbation.

For the next three years, these women and I embarked on a journey of learning how to battle against sexual sin and how to deal with sins shrapnel. When they graduated, I thought I would get a reprieve from such a grueling season. God had done mighty things in their lives, for which I was incredibly grateful. But I was exhausted.

At the end of that summer, I began a new college small group, and I naively thought wed begin with basic topics such as how to study the Bible and how to share the gospel. But within one week, I had five young women from our church seek me out to confess their sexual sin and to ask for help. Some of them had full-blown addictions, and I felt like Id yet again been tossed into the trenches.

The first go-round three years earlier, I didnt know what to expect when discipling women who struggle with sexual sin, but this time, I knew more of what I was signing up for. But knowing whats coming doesnt spare us from the very real weight, difficulty, and exhaustion of actually going through that thing when it comes. Eventually my body felt the stress of this second go-round, and within a month, I contracted shingles.

Fast-forward to the present day where I serve as the associate director of my local churchs young adult ministry. God continues to bring women with all sorts of sexual struggles into my life, and through the past decade of ministry experience, Ive learned some things. For instance, many women dont know why sexual sinsuch as masturbationis sin. Did you know that some women continue engaging in sexual sin because theyre afraid of the pain theyll face if they stop and examine why they do it in the first place? I also regularly encounter women who struggle with sexual sin and have checked all the boxes of things that should help them resist temptation (i.e., reading their Bible, praying, memorizing Scripture, having accountability, etc.), but they still find themselves giving into the same sin over and over. They dont know why or how to stop, and their situation feels hopeless.

Through my years of working with women, Ive observed that sexual sin isnt just a male struggle, nor is it specifically a college girl struggle, teenage struggle, singles struggle, or middle-age struggle. This is a struggle for women of all ages and life stages , but more often than not, it remains a secret struggle. Such secrecy breeds shame and isolation, leading women to battle sexual sin alone and to believe the lie that its just me.

Not only has God continued to bring struggling women my way, He also provided the opportunity to go back to school for biblical counseling training in order to be more equipped as a disciple-maker. When that first round of confessions occurred, I searched for every resource I could find on the topics of sexuality, sexual sin, and sex addiction, and I became discouraged at the lack of resources specifically addressing sexual sin and women .

Much of what I did find, particularly about masturbation, was directed to men. I can remember giving one such book to a girl who read it and returned it to me, voicing her frustration that the author hadnt acknowledged that women struggle with this too. She told me that this only added to the shame she felt for being a female struggling with what this Bible teacher presented as a male sin.

Since I encountered a lack of resources specifically for women, I sought the counsel of mature believers. I studied my Bible like Id never studied it before, and oh, how I was driven to my knees in prayer for these women and for myself! Over and over again, God was faithful, and His Spirit was at work in me and in the women Ive labored with and ministered to over the years.