Kate Watson - Only Trying to Help: Higher Standards for Well-Meaning Friends, Colleagues, Parents, & Partners

Published by Dr. Kathleen Watson, The Advocacy Academy, LLC

Philadelphia, PA | United States of America

Copyright 2020 by Dr. Kathleen Watson

ISBN print 978-1-09836-674-2 | ISBN eBook 978-1-09836-675-9

1 st Edition

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

For permission requests, contact Kate@OnlyTryingToHelp.com.

For speaker inquiries, contact Kate@AdvocacyAcademy.org.

Book Cover Design Draft: Nicole Greenberg

Book Cover Design Final: Book Baby, LLC.

Illustrations: Laura Stewart

Ordering Available at:

www.OnlyTryingToHelp.com

www.AdvocacyAcademy.org

www.Amazon.com

Dedication

Dedicated to Jeremy, who always means well (except, of course, for when he doesnt).

Disclaimer

This book is not intended to give health or mental health advice. If you or someone you know is experiencing a physical or mental health crisis, please call 911. Names, personal information, and other details have been altered to protect the privacy of individuals.

Contents

Acknowledgements

Thank you to those who loyally follow and support the podcast week-by-week: Dave Jacowitz, Leah Temple, Alex Temple, Alyson Kelly, and Mats Hogmark.

Thank you to Laura Stewart and Nicole Greenberg for assisting me with artwork and design.

Thank you to my She Means Business group members: Mallori DeSalle, Katie Hartlieb, and Jennifer Ollis Blomqvist. Each of you supported my progress over the past year.

Thank you my closest friends, Julie Gehring, Claire Lane, and Debra Temple. The three of you are kind enough that you dont hold me to the standards Ive outlined in this book. With each of you, I can make a million mistakes.

Also, I owe infinite thanks to Leslie Ballway, who is my friend, the co-host of our internationally known podcast, and my sister for life.

In my mind, Only Trying to Help was always going to be a book. I started the podcast only as a test lab for potential book material. I invited Leslie to join me on this adventure because I trusted her intellect and humor. I never could have imagined that the podcast would run for multiple seasons and reach listeners in thirty countries around the world. Her insight and authenticity are the music to my lyrics. I bring the information, and she brings the unscripted humanity.

Finally, Id like to thank Eileen Scully Ballway for raising Leslie to be the wisecracking, independent, and empathic soul that she is. Eileen passed away while I was writing this book, but Leslies contributions cement Eileens legacy.

Introduction

No one is useless in this world who
lightens the burdens of another.
Charles Dickens

For at least a portion of my childhood, my father tended bar for a hotel restaurant in Philadelphia. Given that his tenure lasted through the mid- to late 1980s, it should be no surprise that he had a thick mustache and poured his fair share of neon-colored cocktails. This was over thirty years ago, so I have long forgotten most details about the restaurant dcor, the music on the stereo, and the fashions of the clientele, but I have vivid memories of watching him behind the bar, leaning against the polished oak, while I ate my weight in maraschino cherries and dangled my five-year-old legs from the barstool. I embodied Norm from Cheers before kindergarten, so no wonder I was such a fat kid while growing up.

Thirty or forty years prior to that, probably around the time my dad was born, my great-grandfather was a barber for the locals in his Philadelphia neighborhood. I obviously never had the chance to witness him cut hair, but to this day, sitting on my dads basement office desk is a framed photo of my great-grandfather cutting his daughters (my grandmother Doloress) hair in his barbershop in the 1950s. I know the image so well. He is only half smiling, like he knows the camera is watching and he is thinking the photo op is ridiculous and embarrassing. If that photo had sound effects, youd hear a person saying, Come on, give a smile for the camera, and my great-grandfather would say, Ah, geez, would youse get out here with that. Still, he smiled.

These menmy dad and his grandfatherwere there to serve others, whether with cocktails, hot towels, or the inevitable relationship advice. They were helpers. Sometimes I like to imagine that, over the years, my great-grandfather hosted hundreds, maybe thousands, of customers who came for a shave and a hot towel and to talk about their troubles, just as my dad hosted many travelers and strangers in the hotel bar of the Marriott Courtyard on City Line Avenue decades later. Both barbers and bartenders feel like American archetypes of brotherly love, not just in Philadelphia, where my familys story is rooted, but in all corners of our country. The bartender who says, Tell me your troubles is, frankly, my earliest memory of friendship and kindness between adults.

So clearly, Im not the first therapist in my family. Im just, after thirty years of education and $100,000 in student loans, the first well-trained therapist in the family (sorry, Dad). But if you think about it, informal counselors lurk around every corner, and most of them didnt get a degree or a fancy credential. It isnt just the bartenders and barbers who hear about the troubles of the world but also teachers, coaches, neighbors, and colleagues we find at the watercooler. This book is for them: the everyday therapists and advisors among us. This is a book for people who like to help others but are tired of screwing it all up. Theyre tired of feeling useless. Theyre tired of throwing their arms in the air in exhaustion and claiming, Im only trying to help!

Sure, the mom who completes her sons book report is only trying to help. The coach who screams, You can do better than that! at an athlete who lost the game is only trying to help. The friend who says, That guy is no good for you. You need to leave his ass! is also only trying to help. The sister who casually says, You should try Weight Watchers. It worked for my friend is only trying to help. This book is for the people who want to confidently support a friend who has been diagnosed with cancer. This book is for the people who want to help loved ones grieve the loss of jobs, pets, marriages, and parents. This book merges what I learned over many years of advanced education with what I probably picked up from the bartenders and barbers in my bloodline to help you help others more effectively. I like to think of these highly researched skills as a form of scientific kindness.

Together, we will walk through eight chapters of well-meaning attempts at help:

• Chapter 1: Well-Meaning Encouragement
• Chapter 2: Well-Meaning Compliments
• Chapter 3: Well-Meaning Apologies
• Chapter 4: Well-Meaning Advice
• Chapter 5: Well-Meaning Tough Love
• Chapter 6: Well-Meaning Humor
• Chapter 7: Well-Meaning Gift Giving
• Chapter 8: Well-Meaning Lies

Within each chapter, you will find stories of success and failure, academic research, and tips for improving your relationships through communication, patience, and empathy. But before we dive into these categories together, I would like to introduce some themes so you can track them throughout the book. Call them the new standards of helpfulness, if you will.