Kevin Leman - What Your Childhood Memories Say about You . . . and What You Can Do about It

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What Your Childhood Memories Say about You... And What You Can Do about It

Copyright 2007 by Kevin Leman. All rights reserved.

Author photo copyright 2006 by Tom Spitz Photography. All rights reserved.

Designed by Erik Peterson

Edited by Dave Greene and Ramona Cramer Tucker

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible , New International Version, NIV . Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com.

To protect the privacy of those who have shared their stories with the author, some details and names have been changed.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Leman, Kevin.

What your childhood memories say about youand what you can do about it / Kevin Leman.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN 978-1-4143-1186-9 (hc)

ISBN 978-1-4143-1187-6 (sc)

1. Early memories. 2. Self-perception. 3. Psychoanalysis. I. Title.

BF378.E17L46 2007

153.13dc22 2007002213

Build: 2020-04-21 12:04:01 EPUB 2.0

Dedication

Affectionately dedicated to

my sister, Sally Leman Chall,

who endured such things as me waking her up

by dangling a juicy night crawler in front of her nose,

and to my brother, Dr. John (Jack) E. Leman Jr.,

whom I referred to as God when I was in junior high

because he acted like God.

Do you remember the time we took a bus to the plaza

(the archaic name for a mall)

and went to the five-and-dime W. T. Grant Store,

which had a luncheonette in the back?

When I looked at the menu, I really wanted a turkey sandwich,

but that cost an exorbitant 80 cents,

when hamburgers were only 20 cents and cheeseburgers, 25 cents.

Ill never forget your response, Sally: Kevin, get what you want.

And you meant it.

I couldnt help thinking, She must really love me.

Thats how you make me feel, even today, decades later.

Jack, you pounded me many a day, but you also stuck up for me.

Ill always remember you allowing me to wear

your #12 football jersey to school.

That meant a great deal thenand it still does now.

Not to mention the 1965 Mustang convertible you gave me.

You two are still my heroes,

and I love you.

Thanks for putting up with your lastborn brothers antics

through all the great growing-up years

in western New York state.

Acknowledgments

A special thanks to Dave Greene for his research, editing, and great contributions behind the scenes...

Introduction

Think Back... Way Back

Whats locked away in your mind?

What are your earliest childhood memories?

In all my years of private practice and in conversations following weekend seminars, Ive asked people tens of thousands of questions about themselves, their relationships, and their families. Ive probed parents about their greatest challenges in raising their kids, addressed corporate bigwigs about the psychology of doing business, and heard enough about married couples sex lives to turn anyones face seven shades of red. But of all the questions Ive asked in those interactions, no single question gets minds working across the board like the one about early childhood memories.

You see, the answers I receive from six-year-olds to seasoned CEOs earning six figures reveal more about the people answering than any other question. Why is that? you ask. Because those answers provide a priceless glimpse past all the facades and defenses, straight into the core of who a person is. They are a master key that unlocks all sorts of entries into what makes a person tick. All the money in the world cant buy what you can learn from your early childhood memories, just like spending years trying to figure yourself out can never uncover what you can learn by exploring those memories.

Maybe you picked up this book because youre intrigued by what life-changing insights your seemingly mundane childhood memories might reveal about who you are. Perhaps you already have a few memories in mind, and youre wondering what they might have to say about you. If that describes you, read on, for this book is about precisely thathow your childhood memories reveal who you really are.

Or you may be thinking, But Dr. Leman, childhood was such a long time ago. What can my random memories possibly have to say that would be of any value now that Im a grown-up? Why dwell on the past when theres nothing I can do to change it?

But what if your childhood memories arent random? What if they are there for a reason? And what if understanding who you are, revealed through those memories, has everything to do with how you live in the present and how successfully you are able to take control of your future?

If you dont listen to who you are, you may always find yourself reliving a history youd rather not repeat. While you cant change your past, you can change the way you understand it and move forward in light of that understanding. Do that, and it will make all the difference in not only your life, but in the lives of those around youyour friends, relatives, acquaintances, and colleagues.

Id also like to say a word to all you guys who picked up this book or had it handed to you. In my experience, we men are much more hesitant, by nature, to embrace all this memory stuff and the process of digging into our feelings. So if youre a guy, its likely youll want to change channels on me before hearing me out. But while youre channel surfing through the beginning of this book, consider two things:

1. If you want tools to help you get where youd like to go in your marriage or dating relationship, in the parenting of your kids, in your career, or in life in general, hear me out for one chapter. By then, if you cant see anything that might apply to you, use the book for kindling on a cold winter evening.

2. Even if youre hesitant to delve into your own childhood memories, I challenge you to learn to use these tools as you listen to the memories and feelings of your loved ones. Theyll thank you for it... whether now or down the road.

What if, through one simple question, you could get inside the head of someone youre close to and find out exactly what makes them tick? how they see themselves and the world around them? Im not exaggerating when I say that you could avoid years, if not decades, of misunderstanding by considering the themes of your loved ones childhood memories.

You may have terrible memories from your childhood... horrific memories that no one should ever have to live through. Especially a child. If this has been your experience, and youve placed those memories in a vault, locked them away, and buried the key, who could blame you? But, by doing so, what elsebesides your memorieshave you placed in that vault?

May I gently suggest that perhaps youve climbed in there yourself, closed the door, and locked it behind you? If so, you may be effectively locking out those who could help you. If this book can, in any way, begin to free you from the hold those memories have on you, theres nothing Id rather accomplish.

Whether you are curious, skeptical, excited, bruised, or in pain, your childhood memories hold the key to understanding who you are right now so you might find freedom and fulfillment.

After decades as a psychologist, Ive seen enough evidence to offer you as close to a Midas-muffler guarantee as possible: Tell me three of your early childhood memories, and Ill tell you what weighs you down and what motivates you forward, what causes you to lose sleep at night with worry and what keeps you up with excitementin short, what makes you you.