Shaunti Feldhahn - For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women

Contents

1 Rethinking Random
Why you need a new map of the female universe

2 The Deal Is Never Closed
Why her I do will always mean Do you?and what to do about it

3 WindowsOpen!
What you should know about the fabulous female brain (a guide for lower life forms)

4 Your Real Job Is Closer to Home
How your provider/protector instinct can leave her feeling more unsafe and less cared for

5 Listening Is the Solution
Why her feeling about the problem is the problem, and how to fix your urge to fix

6 With Sex, Her No Doesnt Mean You
How her desires are impacted by her unique wiring, and why your ego shouldnt be

7 The Girl in the Mirror
What the little girl inside your woman is dying to hear from youand how to guard your answer well

8 The Man She Had Hoped to Marry
What the woman who loves you most, most wants you to know

To our parents;
Who taught us through their example
that working to understand one another
is worth it

L ike some guys I know, you might be tempted to skip this introduction and jump right to the sex chapter. And if youre chuckling right now, it probably means you already did it. Or were about to.

Its not a bad choice, actually. Just a little self-defeating. If youve been in a committed relationship with a woman for more than, say, a day, you know that going just for what you want isnt actually going to get you what you want for very long.

A week, maybe?

But lets be honestone of the main reasons youre looking at this book is that you are trying to get something you want. Not sex (well, not just sex), but a more fulfilling, harmonious relationship with your wife, one that isnt quite so hard or confusing. And the back cover gave you the wild idea that understanding her might actually be possible.

Either that, or for some reason, the woman in question just handed you this book.

Hmmm.

Well, either way, take a look at the revelations weve uncovered. We think youll be convinced. Each chapter explains things about the woman you love that may have often left you feeling helpless, confused, or just plain angry. Each chapter points out simple, doable solutions. The only genius required is that you make a decision up front that youre willing to think differently. This is a short book, but if you read it cover to cover, youll walk away with your eyes opened to things you may have never before understood about your wife or girlfriend.

Each chapter points out simple, doable solutions.

Thats what happened with meJeff. And Im just your average, semi-confused guy. (Actually, sometimes totally confused is more accurate.) And since us average, semi-confused guys have to stick together, thats why, even though Shaunti and I are both authoring this book, Ill be the one doing most of the talking.

First, Some Background

In 2004 Shaunti published For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, which quickly became a bestseller. Based on a nationally representative survey, scores of focus groups, and other research, it opened womens eyes to things that most of us guys had always wished our wives knew. Things like, most of us need to feel respected even more than loved. Or besides just getting enough sex, men also have a huge need to feel sexually desired by our wives.

Im not sure exactly why, but women everywhere were shocked. To me, those revelations seemed obvious. But by the flood of letters from around the countryfrom both women and their grateful husbandsweve seen how much good can come when the opposite sex finally has their eyes opened to things they simply didnt understand before.

Im not sure exactly why, but women everywhere were shocked by how men thought.

In this book, the shock is on the other foot. Now its been Shauntis turn to say, over and over, I cant believe you didnt already know that!

When Shauntis publisher first approached us about doing a companion to For Women Only to help men understand women, I had two major concerns. First, I didnt think guys would read a relationship book since, for most of us, the last relationship book we read was in premarital counselingand then only because we were forced to. But more to the point, I doubted that a woman could ever be understood. Compared to other complex matterslike the tides, say, or how to figure a baseball players ERAwomen seemed unknowable. Random even.

I explained my skepticism to one early focus group of women:

Jeff: Guys tend to think that women are random. We think, I pulled this lever last week and got a certain reaction. But when I pulled that same lever this week, I got a totally different reaction. Thats random!

Woman in group: But we arent random! If you pull the lever and get a different reaction, either youre pulling a different lever, or youre pulling it in a different way.

Shaunti: What men need is a sort of map to their wives. Because we can be mapped. We can be known and understood terrain.

Jeff: See, guys think of a woman as a swamp: You cant see where youre stepping, and sooner or later you just know youre going to get stuck in quicksand. And the more you struggle to get free, the deeper you get sucked in. So every guy on the planet knows that the best thing to do is just shut down and hope somebody comes along to rescue you.