Vogels - Better sex in no time: an illustrated guide for busy couples

TO DANIEL

for making time

You dont have enough time for sex. I get it. After a busy, stressful day of work, kids, meals, soccer practice, homework and identifying the source of the weird smell coming out of the fridge, its unrealistic to think youre going to fall into bed and suddenly want to make mad, passionate love. After all, you know you have to get up in a few hours and do it all over again (the work and kids stuff, that is, not the mad, passionate love stuff). Sleep feels like a luxury, so sex feels like something between a fond memory and a chore. But what if instead of being an afterthoughtsomething youll get to eventually once the rest of life gets out of the way or a task youre just too damn tired forsex became something you went out of your way to make time for, something you got excited about, something that was a reward rather than another item you never seem to get to on your to-do list? Wouldnt that be wonderful?

Stop for a second (youve got at least one free second, dont you?) and think about other things in your life that you go out of your way to make time for. Things you eagerly anticipate, that make you feel relaxed and calm, and that youre never too tired for. What about something like a pedicure? A lovely indulgence, no? Pedicures make you feel pampered, cared for and relaxed. Because you know this, you make time for them, schedule them and look forward to them. Are you ever too tired for a pedicure? Granted, sex can require a little more exertion than a pedicure, but do you see what I mean? The end result makes up for any prep work. And you, big guy, you may not like to relax with a nice facial or back waxing, but maybe you love to get out on the squash court once or twice a week. So you carve time out of your week by scheduling it. You make sure you have all the gear you need. You look forward to it. Squash requires a lot more energy then sex, but youre never too tired for it, are you? In fact, after a good, sweaty game of squash you probably feel more energized, relaxed and good about yourself, right?

In other words, no matter how busy or tired you are, you make time for the things you really want to do.

Remember when you were first dating? You wanted to have sex all the time. And you constantly wooed each other to get it. You planned dates. You did special things for each other. You made each other feel desirable, admired and cherished all the time because you wanted to have sex. You wanted to have sex all the time because it made you feel desirable, admired and cherished. See how that works? Pretty neat, huh? You want to have sex with your partner, so you put effort into making her feel sexy and, lo and behold, she wants to have sex with you, and then because she wants to keep having sex with you because you make her feel so sexy, she puts effort into making you feel sexy, which makes you want to keep having sex with her. It all kind of makes you feel sexy, doesnt it?

Sadly, once youve both been satisfactorily snagged and settle into your relationship, the wooing tends to slow down if not stop completely. And, not surprisingly, without the wooing, the desire for sex slows down too.

If you want to find the time for sex, you have to make sex something you both look forward to and are excited about, like pedicures or squash. Once you create the want, youll be surprised how motivated you are to find the time for sex. Sex will change from something you never seem to get to (not sexy) to something you really look forward to and make time for (very sexy).

So lets return to your original claim: You dont have time for sex. Now, Id like you to take another second or two (cmon, I know youre busy, but you can take a couple more seconds) and rephrase that sentence: You arent making the time for sex because, perhaps, if you were honest with yourself, youve lost the want or (if youre craving sexier language) the desire for sex that came so easily early in the relationship.

But heres the good news: Creating desire doesnt take as much time as you might think, just a little conscious daily effort. Its like that old saying: How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. How do you create want and desire? One sexy thought, one kind gesture, one passionate kiss, one hot date at a time.

Let me use another analogy. Say you want to lose ten pounds. You carry that goal around with you every day but you cant seem to find the motivation to do anything about it. One day you decide to walk instead of taking the bus. You feel good. You feel motivated. The next day, you pack a few healthier snacks. You forgo the chips while watching TV. One morning, you notice your pants are a little looser. Woohoo! This motivates you even more. You take things up a notch by adding a little jogging or using a set of weights every night. Finally, one morning, you step on the scale and youre ten pounds lighter. Instead of being overwhelmed and ultimately defeated by focusing on the end goal, you started by doing little things every day. The more success you had, the more motivated you became, which helped you make more of an effort by adding new challenges. The next thing you knew, you were having more sex, I mean, youd lost the ten pounds. And it just took a little bit of time every day.

Like wanting to lose ten pounds, finding more time for sex is a vague and overwhelming goal. What do you mean by sex anyway? If you suddenly do find yourselves with a two-hour or even a ten-minute chunk of time for sex, its going to be hard to suddenly flip on the sex switch if there hasnt been any buildup of desire. So lets start by focusing on simple ways to create desire in each other, the baby steps (or elephant bites if you like) that will motivate you and get you back on track to wanting, and ultimately finding time for, sex, be it a quickie, a longie or all the wonderful things in between.

But I dont want sex to feel like losing ten pounds, you say, balking. Thats not hot. Besides, when we first dated, we didnt have to put any effort into desire. It just happened. We couldnt keep our hands off each other. And sex was always spontaneous. Wed be groping in the cab on the way home from the restaurant and barely in the door before we were naked and doing it on the hallway floor.

Right. Can I let you in on a wee secret? All that sex you had in the beginning may have been super-hot but it wasnt truly spontaneous. No, really. Think about it. You had each other in a constantly heightened state. You flirted endlessly. Each kiss was full of meaning and intensity. Every time you got naked, it felt as if you were seeing the other persons body for the first time. When you were apart, you were thinking about the last time you were together and anticipating the next time, probably planning what youd wear, what youd say, where youd have sex and what new things you might try. And when you finally reconnected, you spontaneously couldnt keep your hands off each other. Well, duh. You may not have felt like you were working at seduction and creating anticipation, buildup and, ultimately, desire, but you were. All the time. It just didnt feel like work. After youve been coupled for a while, you start to spend more time thinking about the fact that he didnt pick his socks up off the very hallway floor where you were having sex in the early days. Or that shes wearing the same comfy sweats she wore in front of the TV last night. All of which pretty much dulls desire if not kills it.