Robert Boesel - Adult Stuff: Things You Need to Know to Win at Real Life

Copyright 2016 by Robert Boesel and Matt Moore

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Boesel, Robert.

Adult stuff : things you need to know to win at real life / Robert Boesel and Matt Moore.

pages cm

(trade paper : alk. paper) 1. AdulthoodHumor. 2. Conduct of lifeHumor. I. Moore, Matt. II. Title.

PN6231.A26B64 2016

818.602dc23

2015030600

To my family, who helped me figure out
how to become an adult.

RB

To Jason, Melissa, and Janna. Thanks for
always looking out for your kid brother.

MM

Congratulations on buying this book! If youre reading this, youre most likely a fantastic twentysomething who still has that new adult smell. Fresh from college graduation, you cant wait to move on to the next stage of your life: adulthood! But its scary and exciting, and youre not quite sure what to expect. Thankfully, since youre a smart, attractive, professional go-getter, you went searching for answers on a bookshelf. And it just so happened that this book was on the shelf. What are the chances? It must be fate.

So now you have our little book, and youre hoping it will provide some concrete advice on how to become a fully functioning adult. Maybe this book will even tell you everything youve ever wanted to know about the mysterious real world. Then with all your questions answered, youll attack life with enlightened gusto. Youll make all the right choices, get the job of your dreams, find a wonderful significant other, and secure a limitless future. Everything great in your life will happen because you decided to read our amazing book.

Were sorry to break it to you, but

This book is not that amazing.

But itd be so great if it were, right? Dont get us wrongits pretty good. We spent a fair amount of time putting it together, and there is some solid stuff in here. But its not going to solve all of your problems about becoming a fully functioning adult (sorry). Why? Because were barely functioning adults ourselves. Were not qualified to advise you on how to negotiate a raise or how to cook a nutritious dinner in under twenty minutes. Honestly, were not qualified in any field that could remotely help you with how to begin your adult life. Hang on! Dont put the book down yet. What we do have is the real-world experience of living through our twenties, and we have the scars to prove it.

We were once like you: ready to take on the world, convinced that with just a little moxie and luck, everything was going to work out exactly the way we thought it would. Then we entered the real world and it slapped us around, took a cigarette break, and slapped us around some more.

Only in hindsight did we realize our biggest problem. We were expecting everything to work out perfectly all the time. We thought we were entitled to a complication-free decade of frivolity because thats what TV and movies led us to believe. Oh, what fools we were. Had we approached our twenties with realistic expectations, we could have saved ourselves undue disappointment and enjoyed the ride so much more.

So yeah, this might not be the greatest book ever written, but some of our advice is halfway decent. In baseball terms, this book is a double. Its not a grand slam, but its also not an out. Its like most things: somewhere in between. And like most things, with the right perspective, this modest success could make you feel satisfied. And really, thats how you win at life.

Were going to reset your expectations about adulthood back to reality. Like older brothers who already lived through what youre experiencing, were going to dish out some tough love so you dont make the same mistakes we did. And just like actual older brothers, we may make you laugh or hurt a little. Well try to have equal parts tough and love, so be cool and dont tell Mom.

Oh, and were not going to tell you to lean in or that Anything is possible in your twenties with these simple steps! Come on. Not everything in life is possible. Not everything in life will be perfect. But if you approach it the right way, you may discover that an imperfect life is better than a perfect life, because that means youre actually living one.

Perfect World

You somehow landed yourself an internship. Its unpaid, but your foot is firmly in the door. And where does that door lead? To your shimmering future of success at this company. With your hard work ethic, youll be able to impress your superiors in no time. You know those filing cabinets better than you know your own reflectionthe Mcs come after the Ms, and all the XYZs share the same folder. You are the office master of skill and alphabetical organizationa modern Michelangelo, and these files are your manila-colored David. Your boss looks over your tireless labor and nods in proud celebration, then calls out your craftsmanship before an office-wide standing ovation. As Jill from HR adds your name to the Employee of the Month board, your boss hands you a box of business cards. Welcome to the team, intern.

Get Real

You think theyre going to hire the intern for a big-person job just because you can file? An eight-year-old can alphabetize (and probably do it faster), so dont start putting in your vacation requests quite yet. You are an intern because the job market is sluggish and no company wants to pay for another full-time employee, even one with a brand-spankin-new bachelors degree. And job experience is job experience, even if its unpaid or at minimum wage. Welcome to the bottom of the ladder, kid. Brace yourself, because youre about to get stepped on.

You vs. Eight-Year-Old

Are you good at cleaning up messes? No, thats not a euphemism for solving important problems. But can you grab some paper towels and clean up the coffee that spilled in the kitchen? Your coworkers know thats not your job, but then again no one really knows what you do. Theyre going to ask you to clean up the spill so they can at least see proof that you do