H. Norman DMin Wright - Bringing Out the Best in Your Wife: Encourage Your Spouse and Experience the Relationship Youve Always Wanted

From time to time, Ive asked husbands the question, If your wife were to change something about herself, what would you like to see changed? You can just imagine all the different answers Ive received over the years; theyve ranged from the most absurd and ridiculous to those that are quite positive and encouraging. Now and then Ive heard, Nope. It cant be done. Shed never change. Once in a while Ive heard, Id like my wife to value herself more. Id like her to see herself as God sees her. She has so much potential under the surface. Id like to see that develop. Now theres a great answer! This husband wants his wife to become the best she can be. Is it possible? Yes! Can she do it on her own? No! Can you, as a husband, change your wife? Yes and no! You cant do it for her or force it to happen. But you can encourage change to happen. You have more influence on and power over change than you can imagine.

The bottom line is this: What you believe about your wife will determine what she becomes. When Ephesians 5:25 states that a husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church (to love her sacrificially), it also means hes her cheerleader.

Every husband is given a power that can bring about change, growth and the fulfillment of potential in his wife. Theres so much truth to these words:

No matter how beautiful a woman is, she will struggle with not liking something about herself. No matter

When a wife tells her husband, Thank you for believing in me, her husband is fulfilling his calling.

Have you heard those words from your wife? Does she ever turn to you and say, Thank you for bringing out the best in me? Does she say, Its your encouragement that makes my life different? Read what these wives say about how their husbands bring out the best in them:

He appreciates me! He tells me often how much I mean to him, and he thanks me for things I do for him. He compliments me in front of other people, especially in front of our children; when he does that I feel valued and loved. He believes in me! He validates my dreamsand believes I can do whatever God has called me to do. He never trivializes my role as a womanbut treats me as a true equal.

He believes in me. Shows compassion. Uses humor to defuse a disagreement. Is not afraid to admit he is wrong. Compliments me often. Likes my cooking. Talks to me. Listens to me. Makes me feel important. He would even watch a chick flick with me. He keeps himself healthy and looking good. Takes dancing lessons with me and then takes me dancing. Brings me flowers. Leaves me notes in my snack bag.

My husband is a wonderful listener. He has learned over the years that the way I process problems is by fleshing them out out loudor talking them through. It helps just to have his undivided attention, and then the solution will come to me. I dont necessarily need the problem solved; just an ear.

He truly knows me and wants me to be the best God made me to be. We are so opposite from each other in most things, but we accept each other and dont try to change one another. He studies memy needs, my desires, my strengths, weaknesses, joys, sorrows; and he meets those needs whenever and however he is led to. He encourages by words and actions, exhorts where necessary and treats me like I am Gods gift to him. I am free to flourish as the person God made me to be without fear of taking anything away from my husband. I am so grateful!

Not all the responses from wives are positive. Some wives lament the lack of encouragement in their lives. Read some responses from wives who describe what they wish their husbands wouldnt do:

[I wish he wouldnt] get angry so easily over things that dont go his way, or when we disagree about something. He tends to overreact and blow up over the smallest things. It makes him an unsafe person, and I cant relax and just be myself. I wonder when Mount Vesuvius will erupt next. It shuts down communication and damages intimacy and closeness.

Sometimes he gets into his sarcastic guy talk mode where everything is a dig or a negative comment (because with his years in the military, that is how they communicate). I wish he wouldnt talk that way to me. Its hard for him when coming out of that environment to adjust to home.

I really hate it when he dictates to me, like Im an employee. It makes me feel like Im stupid. Im a highly educated woman, yet he can make me feel so stupid. I really hate it when he treats our kids badly. This is an issue with us. He seems to favor one over the other, and it really creates tension for us.

He makes promises and does not follow through. He often gets sidetracked and forgets what he promised me. This hurts my heart. Also he is so prideful when he knows he has hurt my feelings; he would rather wait out my hurt and resentment than come to me and ask forgiveness or talk things out, for he knows I will get over it. But what he really does not know is that until its resolved, the hurt and resentment are still there.

I wish he wouldnt walk away to do his thing when Im in the middle of a conversation with himfor example, he checks emails, phone messages or DVR programsand then comes back to me and expects to continue where I left off when he decided to leave the room.

Many husbands do try to encourage their wives, and even think they are doing so. But its difficult to be an encourager if you dont understand what encouragement really means.

To be an encourager you need to have an attitude of optimism. The American Heritage Dictionary has one of the better definitions of the word optimist. Its a tendency or disposition to expect the best possible outcome, or to dwell on the most hopeful aspect of a situation. When this is your attitude or perspective, youll be able to encourage others. Encouragement is to inspire; to continue on a chosen course; to impart courage or confidence. Think back over the past years. Can you remember practical and specific examples of what youve done that would illustrate this definition?

You may think of encouragement as praise and reinforcement, but its also much more than that. Praise is limited; its a verbal reward. Praise emphasizes competition, has to be earned and is often given for being the best. Encouragement, on the other hand, is freely given. It can involve noticing something in a person that others take for granted, and affirming something that others notice but may never think of mentioning. Bruce Larson shared this experience:

Early one morning, I had to catch a plane from Newark, New Jersey, to Syracuse, New York, having returned late the previous night from leading one conference and on my way to another.

I was tired. I had not budgeted my time wisely, and I was totally unprepared for the intense schedule before me. After rising early and hastily eating breakfast, I drove to the airport in a mood that was anything but positive. By the time the plane took off I felt so sorry for myself.

Sitting on the plane with an open notebook in my lap, I prayed, O God, help me. Let me get something down here that will be useful to your people in Syracuse.

Nothing came. I jotted down phrases at random, feeling worse by the moment, and more and more guilty. Such a situation is a form of a temporary insanity. It denies all that we know about God Himself and His ability to redeem any situation.

About halfway through the brief flight, a stewardess came down the aisle, passing out coffee. All the passengers were men, as women have too much sense to fly at seven oclock in the morning. As the stewardess approached my seat, I heard her exclaim, Hey! Someone is wearing English Leather aftershave lotion. I cant resist a man who wears English Leather. Who is it?