Acknowledgments
W ere it not for some special people in my life, I may very well have ended up being, not a published writer, but a toll-booth collector on the New York State Thruway. So, Id like to declare my eternal thanks to the following people for helping me get where I am todaywherever that is:
My father and mother, Jeff and Jennifer Grambs, who perfected the art of parenting and have given me so much encouragement and inspiration. If I grow up to be half the person each of them is, Ill be a happy camper. (If not, I give them permission to put me up for adoption.) My husband, Tommy Schwing, whom I studied a great deal while researching this book. He is the wind beneath my motorcycle seat, and a true Man among men. Citadel Press, and particularly my magnificent editor, Danielle Chiotti, for making the book writing experience a complete blast, start to finish. Every writer should be so fortunate. Grace Freedson, my equally magnificent agent, who has nurtured my career with such vision, wisdom, and wit. The staff and members of the New York Friars Clubthere is, quite simply, no greater place on Earth. And lastly, my incomparable circle of friends and whoever invented the Post-it.
CHAPTER ONE
Before Your Departure
A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
Lao Tzu
S o, youve cleared some vacation days with your boss, purchased your ticket, and are finally on your way to Manland. Whether its a day trip, a weekend jaunt, or a permanent vacation, you are raring to go. But before you board that proverbial plane into the jungle that is the male habitat there are a few things you need to take care of.
To-Do List
Notify your loved ones that you are leaving on a life-threatening trip, so they can send out a search party if you dont return.
Toss out all house plants. Better you mercy kill them, than leave them to die of neglect.
Make sure the dog and cat have food. (Make sure you have a dog and cat first, of course.)
Leave a sign on your front door that reads, Dear Burglars, I am away. Please stay out. Thanks!
Erase all old messages from your mother on your answering machine to make room for all the annoying Oh, heavens to Betsy! Why havent you returned my calls? Are you all right? Im calling the police ... messages she will leave while you are gone.
Travel Tips: Check Your Baggage
By nature Man is an uncomplicated creature, and he likes Woman to be the same. So, when entering into a new relationship in Manland, it is vital that you check your baggage at the door, so to speak. Man lives in the present. He is not interested in your past. As a matter of fact, he wishes you didnt have one.
Travel Essentials
Getting to Manland is all well and good, but arriving there fully prepared is crucial to your survival. Just as with any other excursion, you simply must have all the basic essentials with you. You know, those little creature comforts that can mean the difference between having the best trip of your life and the worst vacation ever. So, make sure you have the following in your luggage:
Packing Checklist
Hand sanitizer
A case of Lysol
Condoms
Clean underwear
A yoga mat and whatever meditative mantra you employ when you feel yourself going insane
Bottle of extra-strength headache medicine
Disposable toilet seat covers
Emergency cash for that emergency cab ride home when things go terribly wrong
A photo ID (the real one, not the one that says youre eighteen ... or a natural blonde)
Hairspray to make your hair look bigger (and thus more intimidating)
Extra cover-up stick because those bags under your eyes arent going to conceal themselves
Breath freshener (yes, you do need it)
A fully charged cell phone with 911, your shrink, and your mommy all on speed dial
Shoes with short heels for when you need to make a quick escape, and shoes with high heels for when youre going for that whore look
Disposable razors
Any and all feminine hygiene products you may require during your stay, but with the names of said products blacked out for privacy purposes (Especially that box of stuff you have for that unspeakable itch in that unspeakable place)
Man-tras
In case of an emergency, it is essential that you have a few important meditative forces on your side. Review the following Man-Tras. Commit them to memory. Any time you feel yourself getting flustered on your journey into Manland, find a quiet (and reasonably clean) place to sit down, cross your legs, and recite the following. These can save your life. Or at the very least, keep you from being institutionalized.
Man is just like a woman ... only with smaller breasts and more facial hair.
When in doubt, assume Mans brain is not functioning at full capacity.
Anything is edible with some ketchup on it.
Clean is a relative term.
What happens in Manland, stays in Manland ... unless I was stupid enough to take photographs, in which case, Im screwed.
You can lead Man away from the television set, but you cannot make him turn it off.
Pencillin cures everything.
A Man is only as good as his word ... or his credit score.
All Men are created equal ... equally stupid, that is.
I can always become a lesbian.
The Origin of Man
In order to understand Man, you must first understand how Man came to be ... the putz that he is.
There are two theories as to the beginnings of Mans existence. Subscribe to whichever one speaks to you spiritually. Or whichever one simply takes less time to read. Your choice.
The Creation Theory
O N THE SEVENTH DAY OF THE FIRST WEEK in history God created the Garden of Eden which, by the way, was located where present-day Las Vegas is. At first, the place wasnt much to look at. So, God added some nice foliage, a couple of fluffy animals, a giant waterfall, a canyon, and a few rock formations here and there. Nice enough. But something was missing. There was no one to enjoy the Garden (or trim the hedges).
So, God created Man. He picked up a ball of dust he spied lying on the ground, performed some sort of CPR-like move on it, and magically breathed life into an odd-looking creature with a furry back and receding hairline. God named this creature Adam, though truth be told, Adam actually looked more like a Chuck. However, much to Gods disappointment, Adam/Chuck didnt really do much once he was created. He just moped around in the Garden day and night, muttering to himself because there was no cable television or Doritos. He refused to put on clothes, arguing that boxers didnt give him enough support, and briefs made him feel restricted. And Man never remembered to water the ficus plants. He left litter all over the Garden and did not mow the lawn once. Whats worse? He was constantly touching himself in his private place in public.
