Newman - The new rules of divorce: twelve secrets to protecting your wealth, health, and happiness

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Copyright 2020 by Jacqueline Newman

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ISBN 978-1-9821-2793-0

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To My Parents: Thank you for teaching me the skill to be able to listen to people and actually hear them.

In memory of Len LipsonI know you would have liked this.

Who gets married? Starry-eyed kids in their twenties. Starry-eyed kids in their forties. Boomers. Millennials. The young. The old. The old who want to feel young. The rich. The poor, the just-scraping-by. Men and women. Men and men. Women and women. The workaholic. The shopaholic. The alcoholic. Your cousin. Your best friend. Your ex. Brenda and Eddie from that Billy Joel song. Billy Joel.

Who gets divorced? Starry-eyed kids in their twenties. Starry-eyed kids in their forties. Boomers. Millennials. The young. The old. The old who want to feel young. The rich. The poor, the just-scraping-by. Men and women. Men and men. Women and women. The workaholic. The shopaholic. The alcoholic. Your cousin. Your best friend. Brenda and Eddie from that Billy Joel song. Billy Joel.

People get married, and people get divorced. If you know anything about statisticsor peoplethis is not a surprising fact. And it has been going on forever, in some form or another. One of the oldest known marriage breakups in history was that of Henry VIII and Catherine of Aragon in 1527. Henry wanted to annul his marriage to Catherine (because she did not produce a male heir) to marry the younger, prettier Anne Boleyn (the first noted version of the male midlife crisis). Then when Anne could not produce a male either (Henry did not like to look in the mirror much), he decided that instead of divorcing her, he would behead her instead.

So divorce (in some form) has been around for almost five hundred years. However, over time things have changed and continue to change. Courthouses have replaced guillotines, and you now can get divorced (if you want) basically because you do not like the way he crunches his cereal.

While I am a matrimonial attorney (and have been for the past twenty years), I am still a romantic at heart. Even though I see marriages break up every day, I believe that everyone can find someone to be happy with. But I am also realistic enough to know that that someone may or may not be your current spouse. It could be your spouse, or the guy you meet on the Starbucks line tomorrow morning, or the girl you meet at yoga class next week, or maybe it is simply the someone you see in the mirror. So one of the goals of this book is to help you figure who your someone is.

Now, if it is concluded after completing chapter 2 (Secret #2: You May Not Be Ready to Get Divorced) that your someone is not your current spouse (or if your spouse made that decision for you), then the next goal here is to provide you with the practical guidance necessary to be prepared for that shift in your life. Think of this book as the What to Expect When Youre Expectingor not expectingfor divorce.

However, I do want to warn you that this book is not going to sugarcoat and may seem harsh at times, but lets face itthe divorce process is not fun, and I would be doing you a disservice to pretend that it was. My tone can be pretty direct, and I really do not bullshit. Since I feel I owe it to my clients to be honest, I also owe honesty to you. So if there are parts of this book that hit too close to home and may make you crythats okay and perfectly normal (I considered printing this book in plastic to protect against tearstains). But I am hoping there may also be a few lines in here that make you laugh a little too (or at least crack a smile).

I wrote this book for two reasons, and they may at first seem contradictory, but stick with me for a bit. One goal is to encourage the people who are feeling frustrated and bored in their marriages to think twice before falling into the grass is always greener syndrome. I want to catch the midlife crisis early and tell people that they should not end their marriage because sex is always missionary style (when you even have it) and you literally would rather read a Chinese menu than listen to your husband drone on about his workday. I want people who stare at Facebook (or whatever social media platform that is cool at the time you are reading this) and think that every other couple on there (even your archnemesis from high school) seem to be so schmoopy, to realize that the second after the picture was taken, the wife is screaming at the husband about the fact that he was sleeping with her (ex) best friend. I want people to realize that marriage is tough and there is no such thing as picture-perfect. If someone tells you that they are still always gaga over their husband after twelve years of marriage, two kids, and a mortgage to pay, that person is probably lying to you (cynical, I knowbut also realistic). Marriage is often boring and annoying and monotonous and all the fun words in between. So while I am a divorce lawyer and this advice goes directly against my profit marginsI want some of the people who read this book to not get divorced and never call me and never pay my consultation fee. I would consider it a success if you finish reading and right after you turn the last page, go have non-missionary sex with your husband.

However, I am not writing to tell you to stay married either. Did you know that in 2016, there were 6.9 marriages in the United States for every 1,000 people and 3.2 divorces per every 1,000 peoplethat means that 46 percent of the marriages ended in divorce (which is often rounded up to 50 percent)? The typical marriage in the United States that ends in divorce only lasts seven years (so if you made it past seven years, you are beating the national average). Therefore, if you are part of the 50 percentish of couples who are getting divorced, I want you to know that I have seen thousands of clients in a worse state than you are (after twenty years of matrimonial practice, I do not even need to know your situation to say that), and they have survived and are often happier after. Divorce is not the end of your world (despite how it may feel right now) and can be seen as a beginning instead. I promise that you will come out on the other end of this process and (if done properly) may even be better for it. Lets face itvery few mammals mate for life. I believe it is time to normalize divorce (I know I will get some serious backlash for that), because anything that has a little more than a 50 percent chance of survival should fall within the realm of normal. At this point, it is almost as normal to get divorced as it is to stay married. After you turn the last page of this book, the goal is for you to feel confident and good (as good as you can) about the turn your life is taking. To know that