Carole McKenzie - Talking Dirty: A Collection of Sexual Innuendo, Toe-curling Confessions and Sexy Bons Mots

Table of Contents

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Epub ISBN: 9781780575964

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Copyright Carole McKenzie, 2013

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First published in Great Britain in 2013 by

MAINSTREAM PUBLISHING COMPANY

(EDINBURGH) LTD

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Edinburgh EH1 3UG

ISBN 9781780575964

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1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

For my boys, John, Scot, James and Callum

SIECUS

Sex Information and Education Council of the United States.

SIECUS was founded in 1964, when one in two marriages was warped by sexual problems.

SINBADS

Women who are: Single In Need of Blokes, in Absolutely Desperate State

USWISOMWAGMOHOTM

United Single Women In Search Of Men Who Arent Gay, Married, Or Hung-up On Their Mothers

SCUM

Society for Cutting Up Men manifesto

The PC is the LSD of the 90s

Timothy Leary, American psychologist

WIFE

Washing, Ironing, Fucking, Etc.

SHICPMP

So Happy I Could Piss My Pants

THTH

Too Hot To Handle

IMFAO

In My Fucking Arrogant Opinion

Strip Club Shock Magistrates May Act on Indecent Shows

Daily Mirrorheadline

Im glad you like my Catherine. I like her too. She ruled 30 million people and had 3,000 lovers. I do the best I can in two hours.

Mae West (18931980), American actress, speaking from the stage after her performance inCatherine the Great

Dramatic art in her opinion is knowing how to fill a sweater.

Bette Davis (19081989), American actress, on Jayne Mansfield

I just pretended I was a cartoon. I exaggerated every move. Every time I made a movement, I would think like a cartoon.

Kim Basinger, American actress, on her role as a cartoon seductress

All those actresses who turned the film away are stupid. I believe that if you have the right equipment and a point of view, thats a deadly combination.

Sharon Stone, American actress, on her role in the filmBasic Instinct

Some American producers discuss actresses as if they were a load of cows.

Jackie Collins, British novelist

A good actress lasts, and sex attraction does not.

Brigitte Bardot, French actress turned animal-rights campaigner

I have made enough faces.

Greta Garbo (19051990), Swedish actress, refusing ever again to perform,c.1946

Acting is not very hard. The most important things are being able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think about my sex life. And if I have to laugh well, I think of my sex life.

Glenda Jackson, British Labour Party politician and former actress, describing her acting technique

Everybodys attracted to sex. So Im learning to use it a lot better than I used to, because if we aint using it, were wasting it.

Kim Basinger, American actress

A man can be a great lover, but no matter how well he performs, sex wont compensate for personality, intelligence, consideration, and whatever else you may be looking for. You may think youre in love when the passions of sex get hold of you, but if you didnt love the man before, you wont love him after. Like him, maybe but not love him!

Mae West (18931980), American actress

Ladies, heres a hint; if youre playing against a friend who has big boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. Thats the hardest shot for the well-endowed.

Billie Jean King, American tennis player, winner of 12 Grand Slams

The strongest possible piece of advice I would give to any young woman is: dont screw around and dont smoke.

Edwina Currie, British novelist and former Conservative MP

Never be possessive. If a female friend lets on that she is going out with another man, be kind and understanding. If she says she would like to go out with all the Dallas Cowboys, including the coaching staff, the same applies. Tell her Kath, you must go right ahead and do what you feel is right. Unless you actually care for her, in which case you must see to it that she has no male contact whatsoever.

Bruce Jay Friedman, American novelist and screenwriter, inThe Lonely Guys Book of Life, extracted inEsquiremagazine, 1977

So this gentleman said a girl with brains ought to do something else with them besides think.

Anita Loos (18931981), American screenwriter ofGentlemen Prefer Blondes, 1953

The only time to believe any kind of rating is when it shows you at the top.

Bob Hope (19032003), American comedian, inPlayboymagazine, 1973

You must try harder at your French letters.

Phillip Schofield, British TV presenter and actor, advising children on writing in French

Dont try! You have too luscious a bosom to keep the conversation general.

Madame Aubernon de Nerville (18251899), French hostess known for her salon

In lovemaking, feigning lovers succeed much better than the really devoted.

Ninon de Lenclos (16201705), French author and courtesan

Men should keep their eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.

Madeleine de Scudry (16071701), French writer

When youre bored with yourself, marry and be bored with someone else.

David Pryce-Jones, British writer, inOwls and Satyrs, 1961

You dont want to work here. After all, how many ways are there to say big tits?

Shel Silverstein (19301999), American singer and childrens writer

Never hurt a man whom you respect nor a woman whom you do not deeply love.

George C. Scott (19271999), American actor and director, in